i'm not dead. i think i'll go for a walk.

well, not so much on the walk, actually. i just took the dog out and i'm pretty sure it's -250 degrees outside.
so anyway, clearly i have been slacking on the blogity situation lately, but as i am the one among us with no kids, i will use that as my excuse for not having very exciting news. and as i find myself killing time until i get to talk to my husband (hopefully), i will just rant and rave about whatever comes to mind and you must sift through my ramblings to find cohesion.
this last week or so has brought some pretty awesome readings at Mass. i LOVE the liturgy for the immaculate conception and just when i sit in the pew and think to myself "this is my most favorite liturgy EVER!", along comes the 2nd reading this last sunday. my priest did a really great homily centered around the idea of "rejoice always!". truly, that is a beautiful thought. rejoice always. in all things be thankful for this is the will of God. how's that for a message of everyday situations? i just love it. i have found myself growing closer to God lately, and especially Mary. the last several months have been trying and have really helped me to center my life. i'm very glad to have a focus and i'm very glad that that focus involves God. so thanks to all my inspiring friends who have been close to God all along.
i'm not sure what's happening with my health. i have been getting bad headaches again, and i just went to the eye doctor last month so i know that's not it. i am afraid to go back to the neurologist. as it is, i'm not fond of the medication i already have because while it is necessary and i am glad to have it, i dont know that i will be able to continue with it when we are trying for a baby. so likewise, while i want my problem to be fixed, i dont want to be put back on another pill that might cause me complications down the line. in the mean time, i take generic headache medicine which doesnt do much at all and i avoid social interaction.
i put a deposit on the vacation of the century today. i had a bit of a freak out though. $2100 for 5 nights at a disney resort, food, and park tickets. yet to be paid: plane tickets, 2 nights near jacksonville, rental car, universal park tickets. i should be able to keep costs very close to the $3000 i promised charles. but regardless, we are both so rediculously excited about our trip that i dont think it will matter much.
so thanksgiving was cool. i took a couple of pictures but they are mostly of charles' family, the dogs, and pie. i will do better at christmas with the picture taking, especially since i am losing weight and have a nice hair cut.

re-living my teenage years? ..... AWESOME!

yea, the movie was GRRRREAT! actually, seeing a teeny bopper movie was FAR better than it would have been if i were actually a teenager. as a 26 year old married woman, i had a hard time containing my inappropriate lust for the hottest vampire ever. as a teenager, i probably would have embarassed myself. it was very strange, there were parts in the movie that i could tell that if i were 10 years younger (wow! that long? yes...) that i would have totally been swooning. instead i just smiled to myself. i could definitely go see that movie again, and i have intentions of doing so. i'm quite excited that the movie did so well, not only for the sake of the actors and producers, as well as the writer, but because now they will go forward making the rest of them!
cute guys aside (and fear not, in real life the actor is 21 - NOT "17" as he is in the movie), it really was a good movie i thought. it stayed very true to the book, which is always good.
back to reality:
CHARLES IS GETTING PROMOTED!!!!!!! he found out friday, he will make rank in a ceremony on the first of december. staff sergeant buford. niiiiice. this is a monumental career move - the average person makes E6 (staff sergeant) in 6-7 years. he is making it in 4. he will get a couple hundred extra dollars a month and also get more responsiblity. he is very excited, as am i. he has definitely worked hard and earned this position.

killing time

alas, things have slowed down considerably at work, which is nice. it's been a long couple of weeks and i'm quite excited for the weekend. i havent deep cleaned my house since before charles came home - september. that is rather disgusting. and those who know me well know that i didnt used to be that much of a neat freak... but surprise, aparently i kind of am now (a little). it probably doesnt help that i have wood floors and a dog, so when i sit on one side of my living room, i can see dust elephants underneath the couch on the other side. no thanks. so my saturday and sunday will be spent in clean-mode.
friday night, however, i am going to turn into a 15 year old girl! "but how?" you may ask... i am going to see Twilight! maybe it's because i dont get out much, but i am rediculously excited to see this movie. i have read all the books and although the stories are slightly juvenille, there is an underlying romance story that is quite fantastic, and the writing in general is great. so i'm in. i fully plan to lust after Edward along with all the other pubescent girls in the theater. i'm going with a friend and we're going out to dinner first... perhaps i will have a margarita with dinner just to feel like a grown up. we'll see.
i'm missing my husband really bad. i guess since he left i am going through bits and pieces of the cycle again from when he originally left, although this time is WAY not as bad. it still kinda sucks sometimes because i've gone out with friends a few times since he left and that's generally when i miss him the most. we had so much fun when he was here and it reminded me of one of the reasons why i enjoy him so much. now that he's gone, things just arent as fun anymore. but that's ok, such is life. and he will be back soon.

possible vacation on the horizon

yes, we still live at 54 Kansas. :o)
So i am doing my best to convince my husband that we need to take a week or so and take a vacation together. When he returns to the states, he flies into a base in Jacksonville Florida, so my proposal is that i meet him in Florida, Orlando, specifically, and we take a week to have some fun. my arguments are thus: we never got a honeymoon, this is the last chance we'll get to do this before we start our family, i am getting a very large chirstmas bonus which can be put towards this adventure, and this can be our christmas present to each other. i have pitched it to him before with little success because of finances, but yesterday i finally had all my ducks in a row and i really laid it on thick! :oD he was whining a lot but i think i might have him. it is now my task to come up with the cheapest way possible to accomplish this.
in other news, please say some prayers for me when you t hink of it. i have discovered that one of my greatest weaknesses at this time is LAZINESS! i am seriously overweight and would like to lose 5 pounds a month to be at my goal by the time he gets home - i want this to happen very much but i am losing the battle with my laziness to accomplish it. any help would be appreciated. thanks. :o)

yuup

in response to the "when does he come home?" question - March-ish. i've got it all figured out though: this month i will be busy through next week for work things that i'm planning, then after that i have Thanksgiving at home to look forward to (now that i know i have the day after thanksgiving off!!! HORAY!!). then december will mostly be spent in a state of panic-driven, work-induced frenzy as i attempt to buy presents and plan for all that stuff. January will be pretty slow, February will probably be depressing for the first half, but exciting for the 2nd half. and throughout, it will probably balls cold and so i'll be too busy shivering to really notice the world around me. so all in all, i think it will be a sucessful and swift 4 months. now i just have to keep my fingers crossed that my rediculous employer doesnt can me before christmas, and i should be good. intiuged? (sorry, i'm not sure how to spell that)
yea, so it is not much of a secret that i am totally miserable at my job - and not so much because of what i DO but because of who i do it for. that company has turned me into a hateful and negative person and i am having a very hard time keeping a good attitude. and me with a bad attitude tends to free up my mouth, which in turn makes things come out of my mouth that will get me into trouble pretty soon. so anyway, in a state of unhappiness, i asked my boss for a letter of recommendation... there is a story that led up to that state of unhappiness, but i dont feel like typing it, so just assume that it was really rude and back stabbing and you'll get the idea. so yes, letter of recommendation requested partly to see if they would fold and give me the promotion that they dangled in front of me, and partly because i wanted to secure that before i went off on them all and got fired anyway. well, as a result of my honesty with my boss, they began interviewing for my job while i was gone - without telling me and in spite of the fact that i told them i wasnt leaving any time soon (seeing as i havent even really looked much at all). so now i feel like the rug is totally getting pulled out from underneath me and it is about the worst time of year possible for that to happen... not that any time is good, but come on - Christmas?! so yes. this is part of my life in a nutshell.... (no, THIS is my life in a nutshell! how did my life get in this bloody great nut shell? look at the size of this nut shell! what kind of a nut has a shell like this?!)

post husband visit update

well, October came and went entirely too quickly but it was most definitely a fabulous month all the same. i honestly dont think i've ever spent a more wonderful month with my husband than i did last month. our obvious improvement in our relationship (and communication) made it a very peaceful and loving time. The impending stress of his family wasnt too bad, but i admit i was still on the defensive in that area and had a couple of issues on my own, but i think that is par for the course really.

so - i picked him up from the airport looking exceptionally hot (and a bit slutty) on the 5th. the dog remembered him immediately, much to our joy. she was very happy to see dad and loved snuggling and playing with him when we were together. now that he's gone, she's a bit mopey, so we snuggle.

here is a bit of relaxing on the first day:

after a day of togetherness, we headed to wichita to spend the first week together there with family. he got some more tattoo:

here is an exceptionally cute picture at his mom's house of the girls. the youngest neice, chloe, had not seen him since she was about a month old - clearly she did not remember him and just ignored me altogether. didnt bother me, but he still tried to make friends.

here we are at the house of some good friends of mine from work. this is charles and joe playing Singstar - yes, we kareoke - but only in living rooms. orginally it took me a few drinks to really get into the spirit, but now i am game for it any time! although admittedly i dance much more during songs when i have a couple in me. but since charles is equally fun sober or otherwise, he was just a rock star. period.

here we are in wichita again all snazzy for his mom's wedding on the 25th. we were the most dressed up people there, but then, we like to dress up and i think we're pretty good at it. please excuse my fat face.

and for the last week of the month we were here at our house staying up late watching movies and then sleeping in and then laying around in our pajamas most of the day. he did some video game playing, as below. when asked, he said that his favorite part of the whole vacation was the 5 days spent here with me relaxing. that works!

and he left on halloween but i was well-taken care of by joe and claudia. they invited me over and joe made thanksgiving dinner and we handed out candy and watched movies. here is Beanie's costume. she wasnt really into it, but i thought it was halarious!!!

aaaahhh

well, he's in the same state as me at least! Charles flew in last weekend and we spent an amazing week together in wichita! it truely was the best block of time i think we have ever had together. i got to spend more time alone with him than i thought i would, but naturally i did still have to share him a lot with family and friends, but that's ok. right now i am here in the good ol' LV and he is still in wichita with his family. such is the down side to him getting 29 days of leave - i cannot be off work for 29 days therefore he is spending time there and i am here waiting to see him. we will see each other on weekends this month and then for the last week he will be back here with me and i will again be off work. this weekend he is coming to me and we will use that time to see our friends here. next weekend i will head back south and we will go o his mom's wedding and our goddaughter's first birthday party, then head back here.
i will also have a house guest starting next week. one of our friends who is stationed with him now will be coming back to LV to have her baby and continue working here until her husband returns from the island in march. so considering that she doesnt have any stuff or any money to get a house, they will pay us a small amount and in return she will be using our spare bedroom until the men come home. i am fairly excited to have someone else around and also to get to know her better (i know her husband but not her very well). so it should be interesting.
i took a couple of pictures this last week of our time together but i have been feeling like poo on and off and now happens to be an "on" time, so i dont really feel like going to the trouble to post them. but i'm sure that i will document the month fairly well by the end of it.

ALMOST TIME!

hey all, my computer at home is broken so excuse me while i check in to my blog at work... shhhh....
so, only 6 MORE DAYS until my husband is returned to me!!! he will be home for 29 days but i will clearly not be able to be off work for that long, but i will see him for most of it. we will be back home for the first week and then i will return here for work and he will stay there to shmooze with his family and friends. i will see him on the weekends and then the last week he will come back here and we will spend time together in as private as a way possible. the schedule is already filling up fast, as it always does when he's in town. while he is home we will have a party for him the first weekend, also his mother will get married and our goddaughter will have her first birthday party... so weekends are prime time for sure. he will finish up his back tattoo the first week and so far the rest of the time will be spent staring at people and probably eating.
speaking of which, i have succumed to the miracles of a fad diet. my scepticism has been rebuked as i have lost 6 pounds in 1 week on the south beach diet.. and that's with absolutely no exericse. so this is week 2 and i will be hitting the gym as much as possible in hopes that i'll lose at least another 6. horay for not being disgustingly chubby! i am mildly ashamed to admit that my heaviest to date has been 190 and i believe that was a stress-induced situation that started after he left. i am now sitting happily at 182 with more work to be done in the future. i was 160 when i got married and was not in any way toned, so i would be happy to be toned between 160-170... you know, fyi.
i plan to take lots of pictures when Charles is home so i will post them... assuming i have a computer that works at home. but i guess i can continue to be paid $15 an hour to play on the work computer.... horay!

it's finally over!

friends,

Baby showers here are NOT like they are back home. i have basically been planning that shower for about a month, working to get ready for at least 2 weeks, and spent probably about $300 on it all together. it was supposed to start at 3. come 3pm, myself and the co-hostess were ready; the mother and father to be plus a mother and sister-in-law were present. at 3:30, someone else came. 3:45 somene came, sat for 5 minutes, then left. 4:30, 2 more people had come. and we figured by that point we might as well start playing some games. it was an afternoon filled with awkward silences and not NEAR as much fun and friendship as i'm used to at showers. i wonder if people here, since they havent known the guest of honor for years and years, are no as emotionally invested in the situation? there were a few people who promised they would come and didnt even show up or call. there was one who called to say she would be late and never came at all (she even lives on post!). and the kicker is the one who, when invited, said "well, i was going to go to worlds of fun that day but i guess i can change my plans." who says that?! clearly i was totally and entirely disappointed in the level of friendship and support shown for the couple. granted, it was not all bad. they were both EXTREMELY grateful and appreciative of the trouble and the situation in general... but i was pretty upset.

so anyway, i'm glad it's over. very very glad it's over. it made me appreciate you all so much and reminded me how great of a group of friends i have.

Also, thanks very much to Elizabeth. I used the raspberry lemonade punch and it was a BIG hit! the amaretto brownies were very popular at work last week also.

Diaper cake:

Diaper cake and Valerie - she loved it!

my motivations wanes

so as most of you who read this blog have been subject in one way or another to the wrath of my baby shower skillz, you might somewhat understand my current situation. next saturday i am having a baby shower at my house for a friend. (valerie) another of valerie's friends is co-hosting, but somehow i got myself into this in somewhat of an unfair balance. brittney is in charge of games and i am in charge of cleaning my house, food, and decorations. when i originally agreed to it, i did not factor in a clean house to the situation. silly me. so for the last couple of weeks i've had a piece of computer paper filled up with things to be cleaned or otherwise finished before saturday. last weekend was the birthday weekend reprieve and this weekend was going to be the 'down to business' time. it's not working out very well. well, in fairness to me, i have accomplished a lot. it's just that there will be quite a few people over who i do not know very well and, as elizabeth puts it so well, i do not want them to suspect me anything other than the domestic godess i know they think i am. or, more realistically, i dont want them to walk into my house and think: "geesh, clearly she's not bothering to clean up now that her husband is gone! i will now resolve to think less of her and especially her poor husband since she is such a slob". and while these are highly unlikely sentiments, i fear them all the same. however, my fear of repulsion is not as great as my lack of motivation to get off my butt and move my blueberry pancake-filled belly around the house to clean.
on a fun note, i am attempting something for this baby shower that i have not done before for the others. i am going to make a diaper cake. i have not worked on it much but it is proving to be a bit of a head scratcher so far. we'll see how it turns out. i'll post pictures, as i'm sure everyone will be holding their breath in anticipation. i will say, smelling all those diapers as i roll them up to form the "cake" is suuuuure making me want a baby of my own to put in them. tentative day of arrival for the visitation of my husband followed by immediate enjoyment of his manliness is oct. 4th!! (dont be confused, there will not be any baby making until at least march, when he's back for good. all else is just practice. )

26 so far

so yesterday was my birthday and it was quite a good one! my overall impression of the cause for my joy and enjoyment in life right now is based largely on the love and support i am receiving from my friends and family. clearly, that is not an unusual occurence because i am definitely blessed with an amazing support system. but the last few days, well, few months actually, i have felt so much love and support. some days i am glad to have someone walking next to me, and some days i am desperately needing someone to hold me up and will me to put one foot in front of the other. (but those days are few and far between now) i am just so grateful for people who love me. and while my friends and family back home are and always will be so very important, my friends i have made here have really been bearing the brunt of my needs, as it will always be as a person married to the military.
a testament to faith: when placed in a potentially bad and extremely difficult situation, can you have faith that a net will be provided to you or do you allow yourself to stay in a funk and fill yourself with anger and self-pity? i am caught in the net, i am strong and i am determined to live life to the fullest and be happy. i wish for everyone to be tested. i wish for everyone to be pushed too hard and for you all to be forced against your will, kicking and screaming, to withdraw to the deepest part of yourself, the darkest corners of your self - then claw your way out. what better way to live and learn your limits? what better way to learn your limits then exceed them! i hope i spend my next 26 years being as alive if not more so than i am now.

Italy

the extremely short version of my journey to italy is as follows - new york had bad weather, 24 hour delay landing in venice, severe food poisoning, got friendly with airplane bathrooms, floor in JFK international airport is not good for sleeping.
first activity of the trip was a weekend camping trip to Faaker See, Austria with cameron and his girlfriend. here is a picture of me trying to push my brother into traffic at the Austrian border:

this is a picture of the Faaker See. we camped just off the water in tents, doing the whole cooking on a grill, not showering business. it was surprisingly a fantastic experience. the weather was perfect, except for some rain all saturday night. but even the rain was awesome. sunday morning i woke up early to take the hike to the bathroom in the rain and it was so quiet and peaceful that i took the opportunity to walk to the water and stand there among the mountains and trees and just appreciate the beauty of life. that whole weekend set the tone of "relaxation" for the entire trip. it was pretty amazing. as you can see, the hills were pretty alive with the sound of music, but it just didnt have that feel that i was imagining for "the pose".

here is cameron in all his glory watching his silly girlfriend go down the slide into the water. this was saturday before the rain so i didnt get in the water because it was pretty dreary. but sunday was perfect and we all got in and i pretended like i was athletic and joined in the toss of the volleyball in the water. then we all laid out to dry at our campsite. europeans are considerably more free with their bodies and so there were many men of all ages in speedos and women with varying degrees of cellulite in bikinis. it was very freeing and i felt compelled to tan like a european.

our next touristy adventure was a trip to a small town which is currently undergoing an archeological excavation of some ancient roman ruins. this is a picture taken in a burial ground. ancient romans were not allowed to bury their dead inside the city so this site used to be in a deserted place. now it lies in the middle of a quiet neighborhood surrounded by people's back yards. inside these stone things are remains and belongings of ancient romans.

this is me standing on what's left of a roman harbor. i'm roman on the inside.

and of course comes the stereotypical Venice picture atop the Grand Canal.

venice was way cool. when one flies into venice, you are entering on the mainland. the touristy part of venice that most people think of is actually a series of islands that you must enter either by train or boat. consequently, there are NO vehicles of any kind on the streets of this part of venice. the UPS driver - boat. the grocery delivery guy - boat. taxis - boat. you walk through the town and it is so quiet and it just makes you want to slow down your life and open yourself up to really take everything in and enjoy it. there are about 50 million ways to get somewhere and everything is very old but still beautiful and alive.
this is a picture in San Marco square. so basically that means that behind me is the cathedral of St. Mark. his remains are underneath it, and i saw many a saints partial remains inside it. it was pretty cool. i have a lot of other pictures of it inside (i snuck them) and closer up to see the detail, but you get the general idea. when a woman enters this and other churches like it, she must cover her shoulders. seriously, i paid 1 euro for a paper scarf that i had to wear while inside the church.

another draw to Venice is Murano Island. Murano is famous for hand-blown glass. so many amazing things are made out of glass in murano. some of it is pretty affordable (if it's small) but other things are quite pricy. i bought the small stuff and took pictures of the big stuff that i would buy if i were a millionare. this picture is a piece that is about a foot in diameter and is completely handmade. the picture does not in any way do it justice but you can kind of imagine how cool it is. it cost somewhere around 2500 euro, whichi s roughly $4000. i did not touch it.

so yes, my overall impression of italy is very good. more than anything, it was a very relaxing vacation - which was much needed. it was nice to get away from the stress that exists in this house and totally remove myself from it. not to mention the time spent with my brother was priceless. we had a great time and i'm very grateful for the opportunity to experience all of that.

my turn!

ok, so this time tomorrow i will be somewhere over the ocean in a very antsy way. i fly out of KCI at 9:53am tomorrow and end up in venice roughly 9:30 local time (2:30am) there. it is finally here! i am mostly ready to go - clothes are packed. i have not been as methodical and overly-0rganized about this adventure as i usually am if someone else is traveling with me. consequently, i am slightly anxious and plan to spend my evening furiously going up and down the stairs moving things around and making lists and cleaning. i checked the weather today for Pordenone, Italy -the town closest to Cameron's house. should be high 80's/low 90's the whole time.
anticipated highlights:
the beach - not even sure which beach, or where; but i think it will be the stretch of land on the north east coast of italy close to where it connects with the rest of europe. even if my beach experience totally sucks, just saying that will be totally cool anyway. besides, it can't suck! dad told me people there like to wear their birthday suits to the beach, so no matter how self conscious i feel in my tankini, i'm fairly certain i'll be looking juuust fine.
camping in Austria next weekend - sing with me: "the hills are alive with the sound of music!". yes elizabeth, i have already been practicing "the pose". unfortunately, i do not own a pinafore and so the picture will probably be taken in jeans and a tank top. we will camp at "faaker see". dad has been there, it is a glassy lake in a valley surrounded my mountains. yes please.
arnoldstein - the hometown of arnold schwartzenager. need i say more?
pasta - hello?
gelato - shya!

ok, i promise to have well over $1700 worth of fun - that way at least i am reimbursed for the plane ticket. HORAY!!!

killing time

so yes, saturdays are my lazy days anyway, but today was especially so because i woke up at 10ish, then wandered around the house for a bit listening to the rain outside, then did a pilates video. i didnt get much out of it because Beanie was determined to prance all over me and every time i would sit up, she would park behind me with a toy, making it quite an ordeal to have to lay down again during the exercises. so then i did some house cleaning for a couple of hours and right about the time i was going to clean MYSELF, the power went out. yes, this was 3pm. quite pathetic. so i got ahold of my parents because i was worried that perhaps i would have to venture to the spider-infested basement and hack my way through cobwebs to reset a breaker - something i not only didnt want to do, but dont know how. but mom convinced me to call the emergency maintenance line instead. low and behold, there was a post-wide power outage and there wasnt anything to be done about it. so i celebrated by taking a nap. sleeping from 5-6:30pm is not very productive, just so you know. so alas, although i will go to sleep soon regardless, i am not especially tired.
life right now is going alright i guess. weekends are pretty boring and especially lonely. although my house has never been so clean! i keep a running list of chores and get through a few of them a week. today i cleaned the window sills, wiped down the baseboards, and emptied my food shelf and wiped it down, then put the food back on it. yes, i am that bored. so if you ever come over during the next 8 months, be sure to check out my baseboards and window sills.
my God i miss my husband so much. i keep thinking over and over about what it will be like to pick him up from the airport in 3 months. i already have my outfit picked out. i can picture myself getting to the airport an hour early and then just sitting there shaking like a leaf with excitement and nervousness. what will it be like to spend 7 months alone and then have to share the bed again? what will it be like to get to call him on the phone? how will it feel to touch him? hug him? what will it be like to finally be with him, then have to go to wichita and share him with everyone else?

just about 2 weeks left!

my goodness, it's just starting to sink in that this time next month i will have been to italy and back. it's crazy! i am so thankful for the opportunity to do this. i was just researching venice and now i'm even more excited to explore! plus, cameron lives so far north, that we can easily hit austria, and i think switzerland in a couple of hours. woa! so all i really have to do is get through the next couple of weeks at work and i'm home free! too bad these will be the worst 2 weeks of the year and i am filling in for the secretary... yuck. oh well. it will pass.
physical fitness update: week 2 began today of my "waking up and exercising before work" thing. today was especially interesting since i was up late and had to be at work at 7 instead of 7:30 - but i did it! 4:15am i was awake. that's a miracle in itself! but alas, i did not do intense cardio on saturday or sunday and i felt tired, draggy, and foggy all day long. so i understand now that this is something that i just NEED to do. yoga class is going fantasctically too. today i went to my 3rd class and it is getting harder but feels so wonderful! i'm looking forward to the changes in my bo-day from all this fantastic exercise it is getting. and since i'm fairly certain that my workout buddy from work will only be exercising with me for yoga class, i plan to start going tot he gym tuesdays and thursdays after work and do weights. its too hot outside to do cardio then, so i do it in the morning, then weights twice a week at the gym! woo hoo! size 10 pants, i'm coming home!
*for elizabeth's amusement* i totally bought a pair of white linen pants from ann taylor the other weekend, dry clean only. HA HA!!

4th of July

so i will have to post some pictures up later of my work event that i planned and executed for the 4th fo july. we did 3 events: watermelon eating contest, sunflower seed spitting contest, and water balloon toss. the watermelon eating is just toooooo halarious. i was looking forward to it all year after working at the event last year. but alas, my camera is downstairs and i am tired and dont want to go get it and monkey around with picture downloading.
so after working the event, i had been invited over to my friend Valerie's house. she and her husband are both in the Army and have considerably more friends than i do, so they had a get together for sevreal couples. luckily, they are all military also, so they understand my situation and arent weird about it. but the "affectionate couple" atmosphere was kinda tough. but that's life. it was fun to be around people and to get to know those people better and meet some new people. everyone is very nice and friendly.
tomorrow - well, today actually, josh and valerie will come over. i have bribed them with dinner in exchange for josh's manly ability to change a flat tire on charles' car. i can fix the front door on my own and keep the house clean and even deal with spiders - but i cannot change a car tire. not going to happen.

question: how did an act of treason by a group of men who had a dream of a better country back in 18blablabla turn into a holiday celebrated by blowing things up? i dont understand the connection. been pondering that today...

catching up Pt 3: wedding & dogs

so mom came up this weekend so that we could go together to the wedding of my friend Angela. i was angela's RCIA sponsor a few years ago and she asked me to read the readings at her wedding. it was a beautiful and simple ceremony and it gave me a very much needed feeling of peace to be surrounded by so much love and Lord. and the readings were very beautiful too, so i enjoyed reading them for Angela and Cliff. i snuck a picture with her at the reception before leaving. i look like a guiness book of world records freakishly tall woman standing next to her... or that i'm about to eat her... one of the two. you decide:

(in my defense, she's MAYBE 5 feet tall, and i was wearing heels) so anyway, since the dogs had been in their crates a good chunk of the day while mom and i went to the wedding, we decided to run them around a bit before stashing them back in their crates for the traditional shopping and eating extravaganza that takes place whenever we're together. i happened to remember that there is a new dog park on post and so we loaded up the 3 crazies and took them out there to run around. they had a great time and it was halarious to watch beanie and angel run around and chase each other. the grass was kinda tall so beanie did her squirrel jumping through the grass business, much to my enjoyment. i couldnt get any good running pictures because they move too fast.
here's the most adorable dog in the world, beanie:

Beanie and Angel, checking in:

Betsy was the first to crap out:

catching up Pt 2: earth

this is a picture i took of the clouds over my neighbor's house a week or so ago. i had been outside with the dog and then the clouds started looking very strange and ominous so i ran for the camera. about 2 minutes after i got inside, the hail started. it looked like this:





clearly, i was freaking out quite a bit. this was another occasion when i desperately was wishing i owned a working radio or could get a tv channel to check the weather. my computer is far from reliable, plus, i dont particularly like to have it on during bad storms. but there was BIG hail! thankfully, it only lasted a few minutes. but it was a very tense few minutes for beanie and i (well, really just me, she didnt know what was going on... but i snuggled with her and pretended as though SHE were the one scared and not me).
and this is how i spent my sunday evening: I MADE A GARDEN!! horay me!
it's clearly not very big, but looks much better than the patch of weeds looked before hand. and i think my $12 box of plastic bricks look lovely. i had potted plants in the back yard but there is a huge tree behind my shed and it drops little dingleberries everywhere and attracts lots of bugs and spiders (eeek!). so i hate to sit back there and cannot enjoy my serenty. so i swept off the porch and picked up all the newspapers strung all over it and then started playing in the dirt. my strawberry plant in the round pot is doing very well, even though i've only gotten one tiny berry off of it alls ummer. and a coworker gave me a bunch of chicks and hens, the green things, last weekend so i'm hoping they are still alive after sittng on the porch all week. and then i bought a pretty pink flower because i felt like it. the long pot has a new attempt at morning glories, this time WITHOUT the holes on the bottom plugged up. for a few weeks now the most sucessful plantlife i've had is algae on my morning glory pot. but no more! i think this will be fabulous. i need lawn art or something cheesy like that.

catching up Pt 1: on fashion

I AM a sexy bitch!!! i also have a serious hereditary illness having something to do with spending too much money on clothes and shoes..

so in the name of some hard core 'retail therapy', i have spent the last 2 or 3 weeks storming through every store i can find buying clothes and many other misc. things in an attempt to drown my sorrows or squash my stress or something like that.

an interesting discovery was made at old navy: Members Only jackets are cool? i'm serious, amidt all the hordes of sweaters that "could maybe be just a sweater, or is it a dress?" and the ruffley tank tops with glitter, i saw a rack of members only jackets... you know, the kind that was made fun of on the vh1 'remember the 80s" stuff? yea. now. at old navy. sure!

but i DID find some wonderful things all the same. i had my first experience at a bananna republic. my preconceptions were correct, it is VERY expensive. however, much to my enjoyment, just about everything cool in the store was at least 50% off, thus making it much closer to my price range. Behold: my new skirt!

and the swanky shoes (which i already had, but were especially sassy with this outfit):

speaking of shoes. guess what? Payless doesnt suck anymore!!! and in celebration of the fact that they actually had an abondence of awesome shoes, i bought 5 pairs!! yes, i AM insane. but i am also really great at justifying purchases. i dont have pictures of my 5 new pairs of shoes, but that's ok. just the fact htat i have them should be enough. i am very silly.

so yes, you cant see the shoes that go with this very well, but they're totally cool! elizabeth, these are the 40 foot high teal summery ones. i bought a linen suit at old navy a couple weeks ago and then on one of my recent adventures i found this fun top in my size and this nice cardigan both on clearance! i do love old navy. :o)

not going outside!!!

so there is a storm happening right now and it is so intense that it doesnt really look real. it reminds me of that movie "the perfect storm" when you know that it is all fake and you can just imagine that there are wind and rain machines just out of sight that are blowing everything all over the place. that's what it looks like here. i hope it eases up soon because i am wanting to go out to the Legends - an outdoor mall - today. but as of now, i dont think i would even make it to my car from the front door without getting soaked. no thanks. made it back from church just in time!
so i wanted to provide an update for those who have expressed concern for my emotional state. i have heard from charles twice since my last post - thank God! he is fine, just had his 2nd day off taken away from him and has been super busy. somehow in his mind, it makes sense that the only proper and sufficient way to make contact with your wife is to wait until you have enough time to have a lengthy conversation by phone or computer. however, i think he is beginning to understand that that is not enitrely true because he called yesterday and we only talked for maybe 20 minutes because that's all the time he had. he said "i had a few minutes and thought i'd give you a call". i dont want to hope too much that the light bulb has gone on - but it was very nice all the same. i'll sure take what i can get!
you know, it's times like these that i wish i had cable - or even a working radio. i know not to worry about tornados because the guy at the front gate said we are under severe thunderstorm watch until 5pm. i am taking his word for it, as i am watching a pretty severe thunderstorm happen outside right now. but it would be nice to know if there is more on the way. oh well.

reflecting

here's what's on my mind: the love languages. for purposes of general information - charles shows his love through trust and respect. i show mine through attention and affection. yes, we both love each other very much but we show it in the way that we wish to recieve it for ourselves more than we show it in the way that the other person needs to get it. why is this an issue? because we are in totally differnet parts of the world for 9 more months and although i know well that my husband loves me very much - there are times when i feel like i am getting absolutely no signs of that. he works long hours and many days in a row, and then after work he does PT, then goes to the gym, then has to come home and do his own laundry, clean his room, find food, do whatever else. so i understand that i should not expect to talk to him every day. and i dont. fine. super duper. that's life. but i email him almost every day with just tidbits of information such as: what's on my mind, what i'm doing, how work is going, etc. i do not expect lengthy accounts of his life down there. but it would really be nice to get a sentence or two once or twice a week just to let me know that he's thinking about me or how he's doing. i get nothing. i've told him before that it would be nice to get things like that, but i dont think he understands how important it is to me that i get just a bit more of his attention. he appreciates the emails that i send him, but he has made it clear that they are not necessary because he knows that i am thinking of him every day without recieving an email telling him so. well i'm glad that they're not neccessary for HIM, but that doesnt mean that they're not a bit necessary for ME. this concept has not yet sunk in on his end. i was hoping to talk to him in the last couple of days because i knew he was off work. usually on his days off he goes to the beach or out on the boat with some friends. i dont expect him to spend his days off cooped up in his room talking to me. i understand very well from my own experiences that it is unhealthy to spend days upon end of all your free time by yourself just pining for your spouse and staring at the walls. so i'm happy for him that he has diversions. but when he can get 2 days off to get things done and then go have fun with your friends and he chooses to do the fun stuff INSTEAD of talking to his wife or even sending her a brief note or ANYTHING at all, then i am going to feel a bit left out. ok - a lot left out. i want so badly to just ask him what number i am. does it go: wife, work, fun with friends? or work, fun with friends, wife? cause that's kinda what i'm feeling like right now. i am finding plenty of ways to keep myself occupied without him. but that's just the problem - i'd rather be finding ways to keep myself occupied but still feeling his presence at all times in a sense other than "i wish i knew he was thinking of me". i cleaned the house hard core yesterday, but then when i was finished and sitting down to watch a movie, i was wondering: why did i do that? it makes me feel better, yes. but i wanted the house to be clean and it makes me feel like i want to prepare a clean and happy home for my husbands return but he doesnt want to be a part of it right now.
dont know if any of that makes sense, i just wanted to rant.

here i sit

on this fine saturday morning i happened to be signed on and the computer happens to be functioning properly so i will take advantage of this allignment in the stars to type a blog. not much happening in the lonely buford house today. beanie is licking the couch. she is an odd one. i trap her in the computer room with me so as to not give her an opportunity to poop all over the house (which backfired a little bit ago because just just stood behind my back and dropped a load) so she uses the time to either sleep or sit on the groovy pink pinapple couch and lick it. ok...
i emersed myself in an interesting cultural experience last night: bar hopping in the thriving metropolis of leavenworth, kansas. yikes. one of my coworkers is at the epicenter of insanity at work because of the time of year and her job position, plus, she just ended a 5 year relationship. so a couple of us decided we all needed to get out and about. i was not ABOUT to spend the gas to drive to a bar in KC, plus, drinks would be rediculously expensive and it would be too crowded with 22 year old slutty people. no thanks. so leavenworth it was. the first bar was actually pretty nice. they food wasnt bad, and i was able to try my hand at shuffleboard. not that shuffleboard is at all complicated, but i was surprised to find that i'm not too bad at it and i look forward to trying again. i enjoy going out for drinks on occasion but i am so vastly inexperienced and always on the lookout for new beverages to try. and i like shots. that way, you get some taste, but if it's not a good taste, then it's not enough to have wasted your money. so i tried 2 new shots: sicilian kiss: southern comfort and amaretto. and peach fuss (i think?): southern comfort and peach shcnapps. both were good. then i had some parrot bay and pineapple juice. quite enjoyable. horay for trying new things!
the 2nd place we went to was apparently a regular hang out of christinas. this was not the scene i would have oridanrily placed myself in, but it was fun all the same. the sproting event of choice at "Tom's" was darts. i am very grateful that there was such a relaxed atmosphere at Toms because i am absolutely horrible at darts. i am also very grateful that they had the plastic pointed tip instead of metal because i accidentally dropped it on my toe and was wearing flip flopps - effectively stabing myself in the toe. i think that takes some skill. i also did some dancing. there was kareoke and all that amounted to was country song after country song and drunk hillbilly mumblings not even close to the actual tune of the song. but towards the end of the night they randomly threw in the electric slide and cha cha cha or soemthing like that so the 3 or us girls ran to the floor, much to the enjoyment of the disgusting old drunk people at the nearest tables, and danced along - thus bringing the total on the dancefloor to 5. i know i am not doing justice to the atmosphere of this place. despite how totally disgusting it was, it was really a lot of fun. but at the same time, i'm good not to go there again. although it was nice to get out of the house. i am missing my husband terribly and have spent the last couple of nights hanging out at home just wishing he would call. so diversionary tactics of last night were good.
on another note: i did get to talk to him for 3 minutes yesterday but i was in the middle of an inspection and he was on his way out the door. he met with the surgeon about his back and they seem to think he has some sort of condition resembling arthritis in his pelvis and he will be getting injections. that's all i was really able to get out of the conversation and i'm very much hoping that he will call today. havent talked to him since last sunday otherwise and it sucks much.

well yes

as i logged on so as to post some silliness on elizabeth's blog, i figured i might as well take advantage of this opportunity to update mine as well. and iiiiiiii do have pictures to post:

this is all the Bean-dog does. well, she's either doing this, or following me around, trying to chew on my fingers, giving me some much-needed "puppy huggies", or squeaking on something, as is the case right now. i just thought this picture was cute cause of her little ear. plus, i took it sitting from the kitchen table, so i was impressed by the zoom capabilities of my camera.

Behold: the Angel sandwich. this was taken at mom and dad's over memorial weekend. after a wonderful day of mom and i and some friends sitting in the courtyard on the chaise lounges, Angel (mom's dog, Beanie's sister), in true Camacho fashion, decided she didnt really want to get off the lounge c hair. mom and i stacked all the cushions on top of her yet she still wasnt about to get off. after carrying the pile of cushions, including the dog, to the garage, we finally just dumped her off so we could put everything away.

these are my exceptionally beautiful Anniversary Flowers that my co-workers gave me last thursday. they also bought a cake and everyone signed a card. it was very sweet of them and i appreciate the fact that they went out of their way to recognize the situation. i went out to dinner with a couple coworkers that night too and had a good time. charles has promised that we will go out and do something special when he returns. i am very much looking forward to it. but in the mean time, at least i have pretty flowers to look at on my kitchen table!

this is actually kind of old - it was taken at the Stilwell (Charles' mom's family) 'memorial picnic' that was held at the end of March when his grandpa died. this is me (moo) holding our goddaughter, Breanne. for those who know, Breanne is Matt and Nikki's daughter, matt being Charles' cousin. She's very chunky and snuggly and cute.

other than fun pictures, i dont have much to share. i've been working more than usual because of the super busy season. everyone take a moment now to thank God that you are not an incoming resident to fort leavenworth because if you were, you'd be screwed! i also spent the vast majority of sunday cleaning the house. it looks nice. you should see my filing cabinet! it has stuff in it! i should take a picture actually, i'm pretty proud of it. this computer room was one of those random silly things that was majorly stressing me out in the beginning of the deployment because it is just so full of clutter and crap that it is not at all a peaceful place to be. the basement is another such part of the house, but i am convinced that it is full of spiders who are waiting for me to go down there without laundry to defend myself so they can attack me and eat me until i die. so i'm not quite ready to clean that out, not until my daddy can be here to protect me.

otherwise, life is good. i continue to eat well and take the fat burnng pills and exercise... i also continue to not fit in my size 10 pants. but that day will come. charles told me the other day that he now might not be able to come home until october or november instead of september. so i have an extra month at least to get all hot and stuff before he comes home to visit. i continue to adjust to life without him. i have learned that it really is a "process" of many different types of discovery and examination. There are still days that it is difficult, but for the most part, this is just my life and i'm ok. i choose to make myself happy and i choose to believe that so many things are possible - even when i know it is just me accomplishing them. i see this as the best way to go about life in general right now. it's strange, i like to look at the military just as his 'job', because taht's what it is. the military is not our marriage, the military is what he works for and our marriage is the same, he just happens to be somewhere else. so everything else is just life. quite simple really, just takes some adjustments sometimes.

covert operations

it's good that charles doesnt read my blog because i would like to expand on my last post by saying that after spending however many thousand dollards to get to ROME, i got a call from my brother saying that i was supposed to fly to VENICE. oops. $400 more dollars and an empty savings account later, i fly to venice. then, to top it off, mom and i spent too much money last weekend buying me some new luggage. elizabeth, brace yourself, it's bright PINK!!!!! yes, i have gone to the dark side and i love it!
in other news, i was super duper sick most of last week and am still battling the flem monster but otherwise good. in my illness, i quit taking the fat burner pills and am now back on track and going full-force into the de-chunkifying of michelle. feels good so far. i wish i could will myself to wake up earlier and work out before AND after work, but i have yet to crawl out of bed at 5 as intended. there's really not that much difference between 5 and 6 in the long run, but i can't do it. but at least i get out in the evenings. :o) moo.

HOLY CANOLI

i just spent $1700 on a plane ticket to italy. i just spent $1700 on a plane ticket to italy. wait.... WHAT?! scoooorreee!!!! food, who needs food? gasoline? naaa. but 8 days, plus 2 for traveling to italy and back? ooohh yeeaaa.
in the name of all things sacred, i really REALLY hope this $2 raise amounts to a lot! my debt is unfathomable at the moment - all in the name of LIFE!

spring and new beginnings

hehehe, whenever i eat chinese food, i always look forward to the fortune cookie. not only because they're tasty, but because i have a small part of me that believes the fortune and most especially, because i like to laugh when adding "in my pants" to the end of it. as i just wrote that title to my blog post, i had the overwhelming desire to add "in my pants" - but that's just not true... totally.
which brings me to my next paragraph (obviously). there ARE actually somewhat of some new beginnings in my pants! nothing raunchy, fear not. more of a hopeful lessening effect. i have embarked upon a couple of new adventures. first, i am taking fat burner pills. $50 per bottle fat burner pills. $50. $50. yea. so me and my $50 fat burner pills have become friends. i'm going on 18 days now and feeling good about the situation. i am using them faithfully (because i'm desperate and because i want to get my money's worth) and also taking a daily multi-vitamin, drinking water like it's going out of style, and opting to eat 5 small meals a day every 3 hours instead of this "diet" as some call it. i'm very happy with my efforts. and while the scale is just barely beginning to change numbers, i am very optimistic. the second part of my two-fold body makeover plan is something the french like to call a certain "exercise". this has never been a strong suit of mine, mainly because i'm lazy. but frankly, now i have gone beyond lazy and moved into the realm of "pissed off". TWICE last week alone i was asked if i am pregnant. this is especially offensive, considering that i havent had sex in almost 2 months. i went out to dinner saturday and actually had to eat, then walk around walmart with my button on my jeans undone because i could not stand the pain caused by wearing my clothing properly. i ask you: what the hell?! pissed. off.
so it's officially "on". eating healthy is easy. when i don't eat much throughout the day, i don't want what i DO eat to be crap. drinking water is easy because those pills make me incredibly thirsty. and sleeping 8ish hours of sleep is easy because i dont have a whole lot else happening late at night so i might as well sleep! so if i can just keep up with the exercise, which i am determined to do because i'm excited to see how well i can make these pills work for me, then it should be good!

regarding my emotional state in my last post: the last few days have been good. i will still be speaking to my doctor about the situation tomorrow when i go for another probing of my downstairs to check for death spots, but i think for now at least i'm doing fine. i did opt to share my struggles with charles and he responded as i knew he would. but at least he knows and is, as always, supportive and trying his very best to take care of me, as i am him. i'm so grateful to finally be at a place in my marraige that my absolute #1 priority is to take care of my husband. i dont know what took me so long to get here. probably selfishness. but although my world is a big crazy and muddled at times right now, my marriage is amazing. and i'm happy.

in a funk

it has become increasingly obvious to me how incredibly detached i am from everyone else. maybe it's due, in part, to the fact that i live and work on a military base and am always surrounded with people like me. but i find myself not really having much of a connection with people "outside", and equally not caring about it. if anything, it's frustrating when people "outside" do try and have a connection with me because all i can think of is that they dont really have any clue what it's like on my side of the fence. that's not to say that i only care about myself or that i'm being incredibly selfish in any way - it's just that i AM one thing, and anyone who is not in my situation IS another thing entirely. i could definetly attempt to explain why i am different and why i am struggling with my situation, but no matter how well i explain it, you won't really understand unless you're in it. so i dont really care to have deep discussions about my feelings because it won't change anything. that's not to say that the situation is entirely bad - there are a very few good points, such as a growing bond between my husband and i, but at some times, the bad outweighs the good - such as the fact that no matter how strong that bond is, charles is still not here for another 5 months and i only get to talk to him once or twice a week. even if i talked to him once or twice a day, at this point it would never be enough.
so although i'm sure that if you're reading this, you love and support me - and i DO very much appreciate it. but also know that if you're reading this, chances are good that you know me pretty well and you can be assured that i dont want to talk about it. pray for me, pray for charles, and pray that the next year goes quickly.

a stressful time

well, all the MAJOR work stresses (dept. of the army and company CEO visit all next week + many many extra marketing duties for me) aside, yesterday charles' grandpa passed away. this was, by no means totally unexpected. but still extremely difficult for charles right now. luckily, yesterday he somewhat kind of almost had part of a day off and i was able to talk to him in the afternoon and again in the evening. i got a call from his cousin, then his mom telling me that his grandpa had passed away that afternoon. then i had the horrible task of telling my husband the news. he said some things that made my heart break for him. i have never felt so helpless as i have the last 24 hours. he ran and got a phone card after i told him online (of all ways) and while he talked to his mom, i went round and round with the Red Cross to get a message to him through his chain of command. naturally, he could very well just go up to his command and tell them that he needed to get home for a funeral, but until they hear it from the red cross, they wouldnt believe him. so i now have a new and deep appreciation for what the red cross does. everyone i talked to through the night was just wonderful. i called and opened a case with them, needed to get the name of the nursing home he passed away at so that they could verify, and had to call back. then after i had gone to bed, i got a call at 11 and they were not having much luck getting answers and had me confirm that they were looking for the right name. so they went to it again, and i got another call at 3am to hear that whoever was assigned to my case had been calling every single nursing home in the wichita area hoping to find the one with answers. they had no luck. i am very appreciative of their efforts, but pissed off that no one would give them answers. so i got up at 5:30 and called the nursing home because i knew very well that he had been there. they lady let it slip that she knew of him but wouldnt tell me anything and refused to confirm to red cross. so red cross had to wait till 8 and talk to a manager to get the info. it was frustrating because i was requesting the message to charles' command to "notify and request his presence". time is of the essence when you could potentially be planning a trip from deployment in a few hours. so anyway, the red cross got everything checked out and had a message sent to his command within 20 minutes. i am so happy that they did their job so well. i heard from charles at 10:30ish this morning, he had been given his message and they were possibly going to let him come home. so my day was spent trying desperately to comfort my husband, who is 100% miserable and surrounded by the darkest most evil and depressing environment and also totally alone; trying to get in touch with his mother to find out when the funeral is in case i am buying plane tickets, worrying about how we'll pay for the tickets, and knowing that charles is 50x more worried about paying for plane tickets than i am, and just generally being up in the air about everything. finally got everything somewhat situated and got enough done at work (also finding out that the funeral is monday so i dont have to miss work tomorrow and can finish my stuff), then tonight he told me taht he is not coming. a decision of his own accord.
i am totally ok with his decision. i did not want him here for my own selfish reasons at all (one of many breakthroughs in my personal development as a wife that is happening with deployment). i just worry about him accepting his decision and how he will deal with the grief alone over there. but i support his choice and will obviously be going to the funeral in his place.
so please anyone who reads this, pray for charles' family and especially lots of prayers for him right now. he has at least 7 more days of 18 hour work days before he might get one day off. and he's dealing with this almost as alone as you can be.

rantings

That is just PRICELESS! for those who don't know, this is betsy, dad's dog. naturally, since we like to torchure our pets, angel and beanie had their pictures taken with bunny ears too, but neither are as awesome as betsy's. she looks PISSED!
update: nothing's changed.
well, that's kind of a lie. i am getting headaches again and i thought my breathing machine was broken but the lady came out to check it monday and it's fine... but now i'm also wearing a chin strap that looks like a strange pair of lycra underwear only on my head. this is the only reason to be happy that i'm sleeping alone for a year because i'm pretty sure i look rediculous. luckily beanie doesnt notice as she often looks rediculous too.
easter was fun with mom and dad and the girls up for the weekend. saturday mom and i developed a new shopping technique: drunk shopping. i wasnt drunk, however, just had a bit of a quease, but i cannot vouch for mom. we went to a great restaraunt that i have recently discovered where one can purchase a LITER of different flavors of long island iced tea for the bargain price of $6. we were doing fine until half way through our drinks, dad bet us that we couldnt chug them. mom won. i love my parents. :O)

I BURNED 400 CALORIES TODAY!!!!

well, hopefully i burned more than that, but that's how much i burned on the eliptical machine! yeay me! i'm SO sick of being so damn fat that my enthusiasm will not die for at least another 20 pounds. i am currently at my max weight and i don't appreciate it. i weighed this much when i was with mike, and i have NO idea how i was not disgusted with myself. so alas, i WILL be healthier.
on an even more exciting note, i got to see my husband yesterday! horay for yahoo messenger and webcams!!! it did make me miss him even more, as i'm sure it will every time we do that for the coming months. but it was overall much more of a good thing than a bad thing. :o)

Hello, and MY HOUSE IS CLEAN!!!

first of all, thanks very much to my lovely friends back home who have shown so much support through this bloggity thing and in many other ways. it means very much to me, especially on days when the going is tough. i ask as well for prayers for charles. i have gotten to talk to him a couple of times and he seems pretty miserable. on the day he got there, we spoke for 5 minutes and he seemed optimistic, very tired, and affectionate. it struck me in a very deep way how much it means to hear "i love you very much and miss you very much". those are phrases that people don't say often, at least i dont. maybe i'm a bit heartless, but i really dont miss too many people all that much. i love MANY people, but i dont dwell on how much i want to go shopping with mom or out to dinner with lizabeth or catch up with so many other friends. of course i feel those things, but there just isnt a need for me to say it. but when those words come from your spouse, your best friend, your confidant, your rock - and you know that although you've only been apart for a week or so, and it will be a few months before you get just a few days togther, then another few months again, it's just amazing how much those words mean!! it just rips my heart out! he misses me, and he needs to be with me, his safe place; just like i need him in the same way. but we can't. and we won't for quite a while. and we feel it.
on a less intense note: i have finally re-claimed my house from when we were in wichita and it was a DISASTER when we came home. i am very happy and beanie doesn't know what to think of all the clean floors. nose to the ground all the time.
speaking of beanie, she had her female operation yesterday. she's moving slowly and isnt wimpering too much today. i paid the extra $20 for pain pills for her so she wouldnt hurt. i hate it that she hurts at all and is not her usual peppy self. my mom says this feeling of misery and guilt and helplessness is what it feels like to be a mom. bless you all who are already parents, because i'm gonna be a big mush ball when it's my turn!

feeling different

i will say that i feel better than i did friday, but in a different way. charles leaves for cuba from florida at 6am tomorrow. the last few days of contact with him has not necessarily been ideal, but it has at least happened every day. i imagine i will get to talk to him briefly tomorrow if he can afford a phone card, just so i know he made it there. but after that, i dont know when. the last time we discussed it, the plan was for him to call me once a week. and he will try to check his email every day.
needless to say, i am not staring up from the bottom of a VERY steep, year-long hill. i know the strength is in me to do this and do it well, but i dont yet know where that strength is. the time for searching is now at hand.

feeling a bit blue

well ok, charles is in florida having a pretty good time - i've only been without him for 3 days. today started out just fine, but the work day ended kinda sour. and it's not really anyone's fault, i just am sort of being suzie raincloud over here. and not even because charles is gone - granted, i would be more cheery if i knew that he would be coming home tonight, but that's not the point. i'm just generally in a funk right now. behold my lame ass explanation - if you can find a reason in all this rambling, good for you:
i got a REALLY nice promotion at work thursday. it was my first day back at work and as i was sifting through my 45 emails, i found one that said that denise ("marketing director/TEMPORARY assistant community manager") had been made the official community manager and would be doing marketing director as well with my help. no big shocker there - that's what denise wanted in the first place and we all pretty much knew she would be getting it. i have no problem with that, she has been doing a great job and i have been helping her anyway with the aspects of her job that she doesnt like, i.e.: writing newsletters and articles and anything else that might need to be written. i'm fine with that! so yes, got another email to go to a meeting at 9am to discuss "job duties". how naive of me, i thought it would concern BOTH denise and i. instead they all sat me down and said "we want to make you the marketing assistant, take aaway some of your current tasks and add more writing and some reporting" (more or less). SCORE! win one for me! most of my new jobs i was doing already and the rest of them are EXACTLY what an acting marketing director is supposed to do minus that whole line of b.s. about being the "public face of the company"... dont want to do that crap. so that's cool! and i get a raise but i dont know how much yet, should find out monday or tuesday. but either way, it's clear that i am appreciated and i love my job.
cool on that.
so then today i had a few things to finish writing today and a whole bunch of little piddly things kept happening and i just became more and more angry at life. the damn Time Warner crap was crashing again an so every foriegn turd on base called to complain. people wouldnt leave me alone so i could DO my job, beanie shit all over the carpet at lunch, charles called and was pissy for some reason. so i'm just over all in a funk. and then, my "workout partners" bailed on me again. i can't blame them though, i could have gone alone. but damnit, it snowed today and i'm all pissy and just really didnt want to go sweat my butt off and feel nasty tonight. i'd much rather be as i am now, whining to the wind in my pj's getting ready to watch silly movies and each chocolate. there's a party tomorrow night for some birthday boys and i am taking beanie weenie so that i can do shots to my hearts content and stay overnight. i'm thinking of making my favorite peanut butter chocolate chip cookies for the occasion since i dont have enough money to go to the store righ tnow.
chocolate - here i come!

getting ready

well, with t-minus 3 weeks or so before charles leaves, i'm doing my best to soak up as much of him as possible. he has been off of work and clearing the post since monday, so i've had a week of him being home most of the time, which is nice. it's strange, i am amazingly emotionally detatched from the fact that he's leaving. i know it's coming, and i know it's going to suck, but i'm ok. i can only hope that when i put him on the plane i will be equally ok, but i also somehow know that i won't. i am constantly grateful for his serenty about the situation. i think that's what keeps me so calm. and i'm coming up with lots of things to do to keep me active and busy over the next year. hopefully that will make it easier and help speed the time along.
he is doing a great job of keeping me upbeat. yesterday he went to ACS (army community services) and gave them my contact information. they will contact me once when he leaves to make sure i'm ok and offer to help me if needed; and they also host many events throughout the months for deployed spouses, as we are called. also, through the housing office, there are meetings and priveleges i can partake in. i dont see myself as the type to "reach out" and go join all the clubs and get together with a bunch of weeping women and their 20 bratty kids and lament my struggles in communion with other husbandless people, but i suppose it's nice to know i have that option if i get REEALLY desperate.

down with the sickness

so, after a rousing bout with some nasty food poisoning last weekend, i spent the whole week recovering. then friday night i ended up having a bit too much to drink and experienced my first hangover, it was a bad one. hence, saturday was spent trying not to puke. then sunday, i finally caught the nasty nasty cold that my husband has been dealing with. so i spent sunday on the couch moaning and groaning. today, i am currently at work, but doubt i'll make it beyond lunch. bad cold symptoms plus bubble guts gergling all over the place. bad things are happening in my body right now and i don't appreciate it!

beanie weenie

in typical camacho dog fashion, we have another slut bucket in the family. with shameless enthusiasm, this is the position of choice for my little puppy if someone so much as moves a hand toward her. "scratch my belly!" or "take me now!"?

here is beanie showing off her new source of entertainment: cage perching. i was doing dishes the other night and didn't hear her bell tinkling as it does when she's walking around. suspecting mischief, i turned to look for her and saw her staring at me from on top of her cage like the queen of the world, as if to say "what? you're just jealous that you can't fit your fat ass on here!". and thus began an evening of espionage, on my part, to use my super-duper sleuth skills to try and inconspicuously reach for the camera, turn it on, and adjust the zoom so that i could turn quickly and take her picture before she would suspect trickery and jump down to investigate.

she is quite the mamma's dog. she is very independant, but if i dare sit on the couch or the floor, i pretty much have to peel her off of me before i can stand up. this is usually where a rousing game of fetch begins:

don't be fooled by the female bonding rituals, she does reserve special attention just for dad. here she is dancing around on his belly after he abondoned his attempts to get a better picture of her sitting on her cage and decided it best to lay on the floor and let her walk all over him. he is the only person for whom she will give special kisses. he gets in her face, gives her the "shmooopsy" tone of voice, calls her his "babies" and politely asks for "kisses", which are enthusiastically given - with special attention to the insides of his nostrils.

welcome, friend

:o) this is mainly for erin, but since i only have now THREE people who read my blog, the information is just as well for mom and lizabeth too. :o) in answer to your questions: charles reports early march. we will be in wichita together for about 10 days, marking the longest we've been home at the same time since before we were married. we're both very much looking forward to it, except for the inevitable "goodbye" that will come at the end. we hate that part, but it must be done. sometimes being a military wife really sucks, but when i think about how much more it will suck for him to be gone than for me to be here, i can't complain too much. plus, it helps a lot that he is so "mission-oriented". he doesn't make a big deal out of it because it truely is his job, no matter where he's told to do it, he has to go. so how can i get all fussy about it, it's just what he has to do just the same as i have to support him in it?

the "new" haircut i think is the one from my blog picture, but i have a much better one now. i do have some christmas pictures with it. from an objective point, it might not be too bad. but me, i just see my fat face. thoughts?

ok, now after all the monkeying around with the picture, i forgot what other questions there were. sorry.

however, i have lost 5 pounds in 2 days! i am currently home from work recovering from the worst case of food poisoning i've ever had in my LIFE! i'm now going to attempt to keep down some rice. never had rice sounded so good until i couldnt keep down so much as a sip of water for a whole day. and so with opptimism, i forge ahead!

new work duties

well, i think today i got hit with a bit of a bomb: behold my stress level and my work level going up by a many points! so - i've been really pretty busy at work lately: i do my own job of keeping up with the bills and accounting, while helping claudia with the secretary stuff. super duper. i have my moments of troubleshooting genius on occasion, so my newer co-workers, the 2 housing counselors with large amounts of people coming in have decided that i can be their bitch too, so i help them out as well. i sign leases, i help plan the student run, i teach them how to do their jobs, and latley i spend many hours troubleshooting issues with Time Warner for the 30 or so accounts that i also manage while helping to coordinate the delivery of furniture from Nebraska Furniture Mart. i was balancing all of that quite well until news of the upcoming deployment and hopefully a move gave me more to think about. how much will it suck to be here alone? can i hold down the fort at home by myself? how the hell am i going to decide what to pack and what not to pack? can i pay bills and save enough money for the inevitable period of unemployment in washington? so many questions... well ok, so today, as i was pondering which days i will use my 80 vacation hours on while charles is on leave before he goes over there, we were all called into a meeting. my boss, the greatest boss in the world, has turned in her 2 weeks notice. this i knew. naturally the whole office was abuzz with theories of who would replace her. low and behold, it's by good ol' buddy: denise. denise the marketing director with questionable morals who is the teacher's pet. ok, that's all fine and well. she is an extremely competent marketing director, and her position as "TEMPORARY" replacement might not be too bad, but how will she handle being marketing director AND assistant community manager, you ask? me. i was held after the meeting to find out that i will become the "assistant marketing director" while she fills in until another person can be found.
i find myself torn. on one hand, it will be nice to have plenty of work to keep me occupied. on the other: WHAT?! i'm WHAT!? and if there was a 3rd, more calm and serene hand to be had, it would hold a very flashy resume which bears MANY titles aquired over the last several months, to which "assitant marketing director" may now be added.
it's been a long time since i had so many balls to juggle, and that's fine. i just wish one of them didnt mean giving up my husband for a year and juggling the rest of them by myself.