what if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for today?

i always love that thought.  it often runs through my mind while i'm trying to wrangle snuggle the baby after his bottle during nigh-night prayers.  (and yes, i totally said nigh-night prayers, and do so on a regular basis.  i also say teefers, footies, and necky - but all not nearly as often as i say tooties, because let's face it, he's my son)  but i digress...  there is much to be thankful for. 
mr cameron is doing well.  he's still *so close* to crawling, but i'm absolutely in no hurry for him to figure it out.  he's been out of sorts lately.  i'm not sure if this is due to teething or the absence of daddy or what, but he is just "off" lately.  it's incredibly frustrating when you don't know what's going on; but he is still a good boy and even though he doesnt always eat his fruit or veggies when i think he should (or at all) sometimes, he is still healthy and never goes to sleep hungry.  newsflash: mom can't control everything.  we have been able to skype charles several times and only a couple of times when the baby is awake, one of which was over the weekend.  charles usually wears his beanie but this time he was not wearing it and when cameron saw him on the screen i think it was the first time he recognized him and he went NUTS!  his little arms and legs were moving up a storm and he did that little hyper-ventilating fast breathing thing he does when he gets excited.  it was great to see.  charles enjoyed it also.  i certainly have the easy end of this situation, i can't imagine how hard it is for him to be away.  but thankfully, the technology allows me to send him a TON of pictures and keep him up to date on all of our daily activities, from stuffy noses to reaching for dish towels.  it's not exciting but it's our life and i'm certainly going to share it with him one way or another - every bit.
charles is settled in to his room in the barracks.  it's a very nice room with a little kitchen and everything.  he doesn't have his shipped goods yet but hopefully soon.  he is still inprocessing so it will be a couple weeks before he begins work; so he's bored out of his mind.  but he is getting out and enjoying the area and trying new things and i am so happy for him that he gets to have these adventures!  it seems like i'm always the one traveling and doing fun things and he's always working, so this is an amazing opportunity for him and i am so proud of him for the way he is embracing it.  he's making the most of his time away.  we have pretty much decided that he will not come home on a mid-tour leave because of the traveling cost.  so the first month is almost over and the 2nd month will go quickly, hopefully the rest follow suit for both of us.
i'm trucking along pretty well still.  my good friend claudia is here for a visit and leaves tomorrow.  it has been wonderful for both of us to have a few days together.  i havent started my exercising stuff yet (shocker, i know) but hope to this week when my steady stream of visitors dies down.  but i am feeling well (mentally) and staying strong and not having the anger issues that i was afraid of having - so i'm very happy about that.  but i know that i will need to keep it all up with preventative exercise and continuing to practice my positive thinking/redirection.  but i'm managing to keep the house clean and meals cooked and celebrating those small victories.  this last week i washed my couch cushion covers for the first time.  eeew, i know. totally gross considering how long we've had the couches, but they are those microfiber things and i was nervous about ruining them.  so i had a wild hair and decided to just give it a shot, you know, right before a holiday weekend with company coming.  thankfully, it worked very well and other than one of the cushions losing a zipper thingy (which i stashed in the drawer for the next time), it was a success.  please, come smell how my couch doesnt smell like dog butt mouth! 
so yes, it's all as good as it can be in michelle world.  yay!

day 3 - still truckin

here i sit at work.  my 2 bosses are out for a conference for the rest of the week so i must pace myself even mroe slowly than usual as the incoming workload will be diminished.  so because i suspect that at least someone out there might be curious about my mental/emotional state this week i figured i'd blog. 
i'm actually doing suprisingly well!  i say 'suprisingly' because up until a day or so before he left i really had no idea how i'd deal.  but thankfully i had a sort of 'come to Jesus' talk with myself (riveting inner-monologue, let me tell ya..) and decided that no matter what, i CAN do this.  and so it was decided, and so i am doing.  the support and check ins i have received have been overwhelmingly awesome.  i have 2 other army wife friends in different locations whose husbands are deploying also within this week.  we're all connected and it's nice to give and receive support to/from them also.  but as my therapist wisely pointed out yesterday, all of that will die down and there will be a point when i will be on my own.  and i will be fine.  actually since i feel that i'm doing so well, i find myself wanting to focus the energy i had been "saving" for myself on my poor husband who definitely does NOT have the suport system that i do.  i tried to have a number of conversations with him before he left to determine how i can best help him.  it is generally accepted that my year will go much faster than his and he is very self-less; but it is also my job to help him.  but in trying to discuss our "goals" for each other this year, he didn't really have anything.  but i know there were a couple of things he wanted to do and as the parting came closer, he seemed to have all but talked himself out of them.  so i'm going to do some research and try to figure out how i can help him out.  he will be "in transit" of sorts for about a month before he gets settled in to his final destination, so i won't be able to send him anything just yet.  but i will when i can.  if anyone wants to send him anything, i'll try to remember to it on FB when i get it.
so yea, i'm doing ok.  i always miss him and the time together is never going to be enough, ever.  but it's not to that aching painful missing you point yet.  it will come.  so many things are different this time though, better and worse.  now we have voxer, which is pretty awesome.  it's like instant text/walkie talkie through an app.  he has it on his tab and i have it on my phone, so i was able to text him from the other side of the world a couple days ago.  it's just amazing!  i wish my grandma could see that!  he is 15 hrs ahead of us but i am at least somewhat able to know what he's doing because he's checked in with a few words each day.  so i know that, at least as of yesterday afternoon, he had only slept about 4 hrs.  i suspect his extremely grumpy, tired, and out of cigarettes.  so for that reason, i am glad i'm not there.  i sent him a picture of the baby and an update on what he was up to last night.  it did make me tear up to send it because i know that will be a necessary evil about this year: watching his son grow up through a digital device.  but i'm grateful for the option and i know he is too.  it's a beautiful nightmare.
speaking of little man, he's doing well.  thankfully, he's been a good boy this week.  his top 2 teeth are working their way down.  the bottom 2 came in at the same time and the top 2 are doing the same.  baby teeth are so friggen cute!  he was super fussy over the weekend but this week he's ok.  i need to make some more baby food.  that's going really well, he loves sweet potatoes and squash.  he eats a lot of those.  i tried green beans but wanted to do fresh - the ones at dillons were brown, and 99 cents (imagine that), but i wasn't going there.  yuck city.  so i got frozen: fail.  i think i'll have to bite the bullet and buy low-sodium canned just so taht they will get mushy in the food processer and maybe he'll eat them.  i also plan to try peas.  so far he eats rice cereal or oatmeal cereal, applesauce, pears, plums, sw potatoes, squash and carrots.  i welcome other suggestions.  he'll be 8 months old next week and i have read a ton of articles and books and asked the doctor and all seem to say something different about what he should be eating now so i'm a bit confused and lost.  so experienced moms - please sound off because i could use some solid advice. 
other than feeding, he's doing great.  he can pretty much sit up on his own and still has no interest in crawling.  my mom is coming up today and will stay through next week so he'll get some serious grandma time.  so yea, overall, it's good.
and since you read this far down in my random thought process - here's some pictures of the cutest boy in the world on halloween:


our babysitter, who is amazing, makes these shirts with her boys for every holiday.  she sets the bar pretty high but we're gonna do our best to keep with it for him too.  she also has an embroidery machine so she did the lettering herself.  we painted cameron's super tickly feet, much to his displeasure, hence the smudgy ghost.  on halloween we had planned to just dress him up in his skeleton pj's and take him to the neighbor's house.  he took a nap instead, so these are the extent of his "first halloween" pictures.  works for me.

yes, his hair has some red in it, also some blond.

dry

as one of those people who is essentially a full time working single mother, my goal was to breast feed for 6 months.  but honestly, i know it's the best thing and also *free*, so i was willing to go a year; but i didn't know how difficult it might possibly be so i reasoned with my pregnant self that 6 months was a nice realistic goal.  so on came little man and his high palate and my short fuze and our inability to latch.  as familiar as i am with my level of patience, especially in difficult and sleep-deprived situations, within the first 2 days home from the hospital, i made the commanding decision to pump exclusively instead of fighting the tearful battle of the boob.  once the choice was made, i felt better enough not to be frustrated and my guilt was extremely minimal.  after all - he was still getting the goods, just not directly from me.  and so my intimate relationship with the pump began.  15 minutes every 2 hours, then every 3 hours, then every 5 hrs has now - over the weekend - turned into every 12 hrs.  well... ok.  i have maybe 2 weeks (maybe) worth in the freezer, and he's had formula before with no issues, so that won't be a tough transition, but it still makes me a little sad.  it's a conflicted feeling actually, on one hand i'm pretty stoked to get that time back.  now i can put him to bed and continue getting myself ready for the next day and NOT have to go back in his nursery to pump before i go to sleep.  i also did NOT bring my pump to work today for the first time in 7 months, which means that i do NOT have to sit in the nasty little basement bathroom at work used by the technology department with the stolen conference room chair placed there just for me so that people can walk by and knock on the door while i sit there pumping for 15 minutes trying to pretend like there isn't someone standing just outside the door listening (yea, that's not been weird/frustrating... ever...).  so yes, while i am a little sad that i won't be providing the best thing for him anymore, i am overall pretty happy to have my body back.  and i feel good about the fact that at least he had it for his first 8 months.  for a working mom, i think that's pretty good.
on another note, we had family pictures taken during our hellish week in wichita at the beginning of october.  they turned out quite a bit better than i thought they would, but if you're bored or need a good laugh, go ahead and take a look at the link.  if you are familiar with my family, as you probably are, you'll get a kick out of the grandma camacho situation, also big cameron has some pretty funny faces, especially while little cameron is screaming bloody murder.  classic.  mom and dad have some SUPER cute pictures though.  so yea, i look forward to your feedback on that magical evening.  also, the picture where little cameron has 'given up on life' (you'll know it when you see it) - charles wants to turn it into one of those demotivational posters.  any suggestions?  :)

choosing

i just came across a phrase in reading a beautiful friend's blog and it stuck out to me: choosing to be joyful.  what a difficult thing!  it sounds simple enough but it sure isn't!  the last couple of weeks i feel that i'm just barely holding my head above water.  my choices more closely resemble: choosing to wake up today, choosing to eat at least two or three times, choosing to put one foot in front of the other, etc.  like most people, i hate to admit my struggles.  i hate to admit that i don't have the strength to do what needs to be done, and i hate to limit the term "needs".  why is it that we expect so much of ourselves?  maybe if we eased up a bit on ourselves it wouldnt be so difficult to overcome our expectations and just simply be happy with what life shovels at us from day to day.  but again - if it was as easy as that, we probably wouldn't need therapists.  or chocolate.  or moms.  (not listed in order of importance, by the way - mom.)
so maybe i can make "choosing to be joyful" the big goal and depending on the heap of the day i might just "choose to be" or maybe even just "choose".  then i can maybe feel like i'm accomplishing something or making forward movement of some kind.  today is definitely a 'choose' day, it's looking that the rest of the week will continue much the same.  who am i kidding... the rest of the MONTH will continue that way.  but it's something.  keep on keepin on, i say.  and work off the chocolate later...

the beginning of the end

in our house right now, we have what is known as "the beginning of the end".  charles starts clearing post today, which means that at some point in the next several weeks, he will be taking up residence in a country somewhere on the other side of the world and we will begin the adventure of raising our 6 month old son from separate continents.  i feel a vague looming cloud in the future, but for the most part i try not to dwell on the specifics.  i don't yet know how i will deal with it and how it will play out.  all i know for sure is that it will suck and be very difficult.  there are many things to do between now and then though.  bank accounts to be shuffled, powers of attorney to get, mass quantities of packing to be done, etc.  we dont even know for sure when he'll leave.  we have a "week" but even that could change because he's requested an extension of his leave to allow him a chance to make another trip back to wichita to see his family.  we also don't know if he'll be able to come back part way through the year.  we looked up flight prices last week: $1600-2300.  considering that we plan to use this time to get out of debt, it would somewhat defeat the purpose if so much money was spent.  but we'll see.  it's just another thing on the list of things that will probably suck a lot. 
but there are good points!  Lord knows i have to find good points or else why would i bother at all!  we have gotten very close lately and are doing very well to depend on each other.  yes, that may seem like a very bad point given that we are about to be ripped apart and not able to be together, but you'd be amazed what you can accomplish together when you're physically apart.  i also have been working on great plans for home renovations while he's gone.  the basement is definitely a priority, as are the garage and the landscaping.  obviously, my parents will play a huge roll in this - which leads into another good point: support.  my parents will be up even more than they have been, a couple of other friends have offered to come for a visit, my neighbor and her husband will be very helpful and supportive, and my friend christina is already jumping on the band wagon and getting me out of the house for times when i am alone.  i'm also exercising again.  i did so 4 times last week: 2 nights i went to a class and 2 days i went on long walks with 2 different friends.  i learned very vividly this summer that i cannot be as much of a loner as i want to be, it is unhealthy for me (or anyone for that matter).  phone calls are good, but human interaction is just necessary. 
so while my misery is eminent, i'm doing my best to focus on the things that will get me through the transition until i can establish a new routine: support, plans, exercise and generally keeping busy. 
prayer intentions: controlling my anger.  one of the stages of transition that always seem to creep in when he leaves is the anger/resentment.  it is obviously not good and definitely not fair to him, but with the baby in the equation and my anger always so close to the surface these days anyway, it is a major contributor to what scares me about the situation.  my mental health is slippery, at best, for the most part and i fear what will happen when the "balance" of my world is upset. 
another intention: this weekend i was told of a possible job opportunity  that would be a substantial pay raise.  it would be a very difficult job, but i can do it, and it would be worth it to not have to stress about money.  i would not leave my current job if it weren't for the opportunity of actually being able to pay all my bills.
making me happy: there is a sams club opening at legends next month, i'm very exited.

little man: he's still super smiley and teething.  cereal consumption is going better but still hit or miss.  he'll be having his 6 month checkup a cuople of weeks late, but thankfully he has not had so much as a sniffle so there are no complaints there.  he sleeps about 10 hrs a night.  he rolls and scoots around but no crawling yet, but it's coming soon i think. 

i look at this whenever i need a smile:

trudging

To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.

anyone else feel like that?  i sure have been lately.  charles has been working so hard lately to get the house as fixed up as possible before he leaves that we're both left pretty much financially screwed.  financially, i feel like we're on one of those fair rides that's the big huge viking boat that goes back and forth until you inevitably get stuck upsidedown with your coins falling out of your pockets, every major organ lodged at the top of your skull and the overwhelming urge to throw up all while convincing yourself that you must be having a good time because after all, this is a ride - and rides are supposed to be fun. 
charles' grandfather has also unexpectedly passed away, this last saturday.  thankfully, i got the call friday evening that he had fallen and was on life support; charles was able to leave work and get there before the machines were turned off.  he has since been with his family navigating some waters that are extremely difficult and i hate that he is doing it alone.  i'll be heading that way after work today and am anxious to be with him. 
this last few days apart and with extremely minimal contact have been rough for me.  they are a fairly good indication of how i will cope when he leaves for korea and it scares the hell out of me because i do not think i'm coping as well as i should be.  much depends on my strength, and it is not an option for me to be weak when he leaves.  or now, for that matter, although it's happening.  (at least in my opinion)  but i'll figure it out.  i have a couple of great and attentive friends here who are ready to help with whatever i need and i have resigned myself to the fact that i will need to suck up my pride and ask them from time to time.  my parents will be life savers, of course, and i am eternally greatful that i can count on them for anything.  so i'm piecing things together slowly.  i have just a couple more months to put a plan in place that will put my and charles' mind at ease before he goes.  it's amazing how overwhelming life can be.
on a much happier note - a couple very very good friends of ours were in town this week to visit.  that made me very happy.

being one with dave

in the weeks before the baby was born, my employer offered to pay for anyone who was interested to take the dave ramsey financial peace university course for free.  this is ordinarily costs a couple hundred dollars but the district would pay for it provided that you complete the course.  on the brink of a major financial life change, i figured it would be a great idea to participate.  (side note, i just used the hashing out text thing for the first time, how exciting!) 
so yea, 7 weeks of unpaid maternity leave and a few hundred dollars loaned out later, i'm pretty much up the financial creek and it's not cool.  so things are evening out now and i just found out last week that i'm getting a whole 3% raise so i figured it was high time to get back on the band wagon and get my shiznit together.
for the sake of pretending like i'm having a conversation with you, whoever you happen to be, i'm going to list out my efforts:
1. made my pathetic excuse for a "gazelle budget" http://www.daveramsey.com/tools/budget-lite/ based on my monthly income of about $2000.  discovered that the outflow surpasses the income by about $150. 
2. called the bank with my car loan to find the payoff amount - about $17,500 in case you're curious (just keepin it real).  looked up blue book value - about $28,000.
3. researched used car trade ins that might give me a snowballs chance in hell of being able to buy as much food as i think i should buy every week.  called husband to consult.  was advised to keep plugging away with current vehicle.  requested budget pow wow asap.
4. re-worked budget to ensure that all bills were paid and made realistic goals and devised a plan to accomplish them.  for some reason making a budget is actually very easy but making it REALISTIC is not.  this is why i thought i could make ends meet by taking a $4 an hour paycut last september.  good times.  so i now have a REALISTIC budget.
5. prepare for life in realistic budget mode.  i can do this!  i CAN do this!  i can DO this!  i can do THIS!
.............
yea.  should be interesting.

just checking in

so my summer of "working 10 hour days" is about half way done and although it's nice to get 3 uninterrupted days with my son, i will be glad when it's over.  although i get paid for 40 hours of work each week, i doubt that i have even been able to scrape together one solitary hour of actual work.  so these days of sitting here like a grown up in front of a computer at a nice wooden desk with my own phone line are mostly just a sham that prevents me from actually accomplishing such earth-shattering tasks as "laundry", "vacuming", "cooking", or dare i say - "sleep!".  but whatever, it's a paycheck.  and for the most part, it pays the bills.
my health and fitness regime is going fairly well.  i may or may not have eaten a few cookies for dinner sunday, but otherwise it really is going ok and i am pleased to say that my black work capris which were unbuttonable 2 weeks ago are borderline loose this week.  it seems there is more than a grain of truth to the 70% diet/30% exercise line because i dont think i was able to do my workout video once last week because i pulled a muscle in my back the week before.  but all is well now and i am happily eating well on a 3 hour schedule and doing my best to balance it out as the pantry/fridge will allow.  i cant buy groceries till friday so things are about to get pretty creative, but i'll make it work.  i will weigh and measure myself again on sunday - the 1st.  so although i dont think there will be as big of a change as i had planned, i am content in the knowledge that i basically did my best and my plan of not beating myself up about it seems to be going well.  Lord knows i need to cling to whatever makes life easier right now.  i'm having a hell of a time!  i see my husband for about 10 hours a week and not at all on some days.  i usually get to talk to him on the phone a couple times a week outside of that time too, today being oneof the days i should get to do both.  (yay!)  i can honestly say that i am not at all struggling with taking care of the baby by myself, i just get lonely for him and also hate it that he misses out on so much with the baby, who he sees less of than he sees me.  all around, our schedules just blow.  but he'll start his leave at the end of september so we'll just hold on till then.  and i am of the opinion that i'll actually talk to him more when he's in korea than i do now, so i'm not really worried about that.  i know it's a silly thing to complain about when there are so many people worse off, it's just wearing on me.  so if i happen to go off the deep end - at least you had some warning.
cameron is doing very well.  he has been having a MAJOR growth spurt this last week and has almost doubled his intake.  i'm keeping up with him but i'd be lying if i said it didnt feel like i spent my weekend feeding and pumping.  but that's not entirely true, i also spent it packing up his 0-3mo clothes and brining out the 3-6's.  he certainly doesn't look like a newborn anymore and i have no idea how this has happened.  but he continues to be a very happy little guy and although he's more and more squirmy every day, he does very well to keep himself entertained and is  easy to calm.  i hope to be able to buy him one of those great bouncy exercise saucer chair things soon.  he's not to much for the swing that we have but loves his laying back bouncy chair.  he's getting better in the bumbo seat (although last night i was afraid he had gotten stuck in it because his fat little legs wouldnt come out until i held down the seat with my elbow while pulling his body out of it) but when you pick him up his little legs push and flap so i think he'll really enjoy something that allows him to work on those thunder thighs.  overall - being his mother is supremely magical.  there have been a number of times when, due to stress or sleep-deprivation or whatever, i have been extremely down or grumpy and just when i think i'm about ot break he will look into my eyes and let out this huge grin and make his nerdy laugh sound and it almost moves me to tears.  God sure knows how to orchestrate that emotional ebb and flow in me.  i can be sitting in his room rocking his squirmy squirmy squirmy little self against my body (because he occasionally decides that he in no way is interested in laying down in my arms) and patting his back quietly thinking about all the things i have to do for the next day before i can go to sleep an hour or so later.  when everything around me is threatening to overwhelm me i will feel his little breath sigh on my neck and his body will go limp with sleep and i just can't stand to put him down in his crib.  even though i know he's out, i will just continue to rock him because this peaceful time is the cherry on top of the sundae that he already is.  it is filling me up with the strength i need to plow through one more day with relative grace.  there are many more important things to be thankful for than there are to be stressed about and that little boy manages to remind me every day of just that.

ouch

i see no reason to make the general population of facebook made aware of this situation but i wanted to "say it out loud" somewhere for accountability purposes: i started p90x this weekend.  i also took a "before" photo, but i won't subject you to that until i have an "after" photo to turn your attentions toward.
charles started swing shift on friday, so he is gone from noon to about 10:30pm.  other than the fact that he isn't there to calm the baby when he cries, this is actually very helpful (at least as exercising is concerned) because i do not feel comfortable exercising around him - partly for my own insecurities and partly because he has a way of being "supportive" that is less than ideal.  plus i am able to work on my nutrition without planning for both of us.  the whole p90x thing is 90 days of some hellatious videos that are about an hour long. then they break the whole program up into 3-30 day sections.  the first section you're supposed to focus on increasing protein and eliminating carbs; second section you can add some carbs; third section you can add more carbs because you're supposed to be on an "athlete's diet"... psh!  so yea, eliminating carbs is HARD!  i thought i ate fairly well but my goodness is my diet heavy on the pasta!  (imagine that...)  and pretty much all of my dinner staples involve pasta.  i guess because it's cheap and easy and i'm good at pasta dishes.  so yea, i made a big ass lasagna thursday night thinking that it would feed us through the weekend and i wouldnt have to cook much.  great plan, except that charles started swings friday and hasnt eaten a full meal at home all weekend.  it's pretty bad when you have to text your husband to request that he save you from the pan of lasagna.  but whatever, hopefully he helps me out.
so yea, p90x.... 
the end of the 90 days is approximately the beginning of september.  so if i can stick with it until then, i will turn my focus towards running - because that (running) and being able to do actual sit ups *gasp!* are two HUGE goals of mine. 
here goes nothin!

did mary have stretch marks?

so yesterday i posted partly about the great struggle of fitting in exercise in the sleep-deprived life of a woman with a new baby.  bolstered by the blog comments (see how important this is to me???) and the absolutely beautiful weather last night - 73* at the end of May is fantastic - i loaded up the baby in the stroller and set off down the road for the 2.5 mile treck there and back.  the last time  exercised was at the end of april, right before i went back to work (and discovered how tired i could really be).  it took me 52 minutes that day in the heat.  last night it took me 51 minutes.  not a grand improvement, but it's something.  and i DID it, even though i had worked for 10 hrs and the baby has been up every 3 hrs the last couple of nights.  i left my husband on the couch and took off down the road to push a stroller and stare at my baby while he slept.  not bad.  go me.
so by the time i got home i was naturally pretty sweaty, the baby was hungry, he needed a bath, i had to make lunches, feed myself, PUMP for the love of all that is holy, and generally prepare for today - while also trying to interact somehow for at least a few minutes with the husband before he went to sleep.  so at some point in the litany of chores above, i found myself in the nursery feeding the baby, still sweaty and smelly but holding my freshly-washed child close all the same.  (eh, i'll just wipe him down with baby wipes later.  he's bound to puke on  himself anyway...)  this is the time that i have found to really enjoy praying.  there's something about holding this gift in your arms, knowing that he is the closest thing to you who has most recently been with God.  i can't look into his sweet little face and NOT think about being thankful and blessed.  but last night i was thinking about those things and also how gross i was from exercising, and i found myself wondering if mary ever had a similar experience.
did the sinless woman put on too much baby weight?  i like to think not.  she would not have been a gluttonous person, even if the nazorean equivilant of sonic cheeseburgers and chili cheese fries had been available to her, she would have treated her body well - like a sinless woman would.  or would God have spared her from stretch marks because he would figure that she had enough to deal with already?  it's not like her clothing would have been form fitting so that people would know that she had a few extra pounds after jesus was born, but ol' joseph would have probably gotten a peek.  and HE wasn't sinless, did he give her a hard time about it?  but then, she was young, so her body probably bounced back pretty quickly. 
then i found myself thinking - how can i be more like mary in this situation?  clearly i can't rewind my body 15 years, or even15 months.  i have to make due with what i have now.  but maybe i can not beat myself up about it so much.  yes, i am unhappy with my body, mostly my chin(s).  but that doesnt mean that my body isn't awesome.  it did make a baby, afterall.  so i can be a bit more nice to myself.  along the same lines, i can give my nice body better fuel.  i don't imagine mary was an unreasonable emotional eater who reached for a snack cake everytime she got into a "discussion" with her husband.  not only would it not have been available to her, but she would have been more serene and obedient to her spouse - you know, like a sinless woman.  (granted, her spouse maybe wasnt such an asshole sometimes, but still...)  emotional eating is just the action of a weak person.  i know i'm weak.  and i know that overcoming those times is difficult.  i'm going to try to think of more ways that i can be like mary though, because i choose to believe that she had herself together a bit better than i do.  she had a pretty direct connection to God, but i see no reason why i can't have that too.  just something to think about...

life goes on

i am bored at work.  starting yesterday and through the summer i am working monday-thursday for 10 hrs with a 3 day weekend.  it would actually be pretty awesome if it werent for the fact that i don't have much work to do, i dont get much sleep, and the schedule leaves me only about 2 hrs of decent time with my family each day.  but hey, at least i have this job and at least i do get that 2 hrs.  also, i think the 3 day weekend thing will be pretty awesome.  so if nothing else, at least i know that the summer will pass quickly.  although with a little one in our world, i dont think i'm such a fan of time passing quickly anymore.
speaking of said little one, he is doing well.  over the weekend he really improved his tracking and can now pick people out (me - yay!) in the room with his eyes.  he is also smiling more, which is heavenly.  this weekend i aim to take and post more pictures of him because he's just changing so quickly i don't want to miss out on documenting it! 
i am also very pleased about how the day care situation has panned out.  as much as i'd love to be a stay at home mom, it's just not a possibility for us.  i have had the baby on the waiting list for daycare on post since august and so when i went back to work at the beginning of May, we had to find care for him until there was a space available.  enter the wife of one of charles' former co-workers.  aka - a friend who lives on post.  she and her husband have 2 amazing little boys already, she keeps an incredibly clean house, and if it werent for the fact that i want to do it myself, i would TOTALLY let her raise my children.  i know a lot of great parents, but wow.  her 3 year old can read and spells about 30 words, both boys sign, instead of doing that annoying kid thing where they incessantly repeat everything people around them say, they will ask permission of their parents to say something if it is exciting enough to repeat.  they also tell me, in the cutest little boy voice ever, to "have a good day!!" every morning when i drop off the baby.  they LOVE my son, all of them do, and i am rediculously pleased to say that even though i got a call last week that the daycare can place my son on post, my friend is perfectly willing to keep him in her house until they  move.  this had not been my original plan because i didn't want to have to put cameron through the transition when his current provider leaves, but the closer it came to the time of getting a call and placing him in a larger facility with a 4:1 kid to provider ratio, the more i just wanted nothing more than for him to be with ms. shellie for as long as humanly possible.  and so it shall be!  they are staying in the area at least until March so he will have the best care possible for at least his first year of life.  it will suck when they leave, but i decided to sacrifice the ease of transition in order to gain the best care.  i'm going to teach him some signs and she will work with him also.  overall and in many aspects, it is a complete relief to know that if i can't stay home and raise my son, he is with someone who will do as good if not a better job.  plus, she has asked to be paid less than half of what the center on post charges (which is already a substantial discount from off post care); but we're paying her more anyway because she's definitely worth it. 
here's a beastly topic: exercise.  how does one find time to exercise on such little sleep when working long hours with a baby?  yea, i dont know either.  but i'm going to give it my best shot.  charles has agreed to help by taking point on the baby watching in the evenings as he is able.  my struggle, in addition to the sleep and time thing, is taking myself away from them.  i do not want to load up the baby and go out to exercise because of mosquitos, so i will either work out at home or go to the gym after work.  both take time away from my boys.  time with both is too precious for words and i need it to keep me sane and whole.  but i also need to feel good about myself and be healthy - oddly for the same reasons.  i think i'm pretty much where i was before i got pregnant, so i'm not saying that i'm totally nasty or anything, i just need to do better.  need to BE better.  it's a constant struggle and no one can do it but me.
so yea, that's a good rambly post for ya - enjoy!

I FOUND IT!: the arrival of the best thing that's ever happened to me

i've had some pretty amazing blessings in my life: people, relationships, experiences, etc.  but wow.  just wow.  every day and every minute is just more beautiful than the last.  i feel the same but yet so different.  it's overhwelming yet completely comfortable.  life. is. good.  and by good, i mean - perfect.
so yes, here is the story of cameron's birth.  i feel like i'm bragging when i tell it (maybe i am a little bit), but most of my followers have posted theirs so i feel compelled to comply with the unspoken mommy rule, now that i can finally be a mommy and comply with the rules.
monday, march 12th:
at my weekly OB appointment, the doctor decided to check me for the first time because i had suspected that i had finally felt some contractions the previous weekend.  these contractions were a bit crampy, and in my mind they were not at all contractiony, but it was the first time i had felt "something" so i mentioned it to her as a point of interest.  so she checked me 2 or 3 times with vigor because upon first check, she felt that i was 4cm dialated and 90% effaced and did not believe that it was possible for me to NOT have noticed that.  but sure enough, the clock was ticking and i was beginning to suspect not only that he might come early (which i was very much hoping since the sonograms showed him to be about 7 pounds already!) but also that labor might not be so bad/scary after all if i had already made it that far.  unfortunately for me, i had saved my big grocery shopping run for after the OB appointment and in checking me, the doctor had stripped my membranes.  so here i was waddling around dillons, huffing and puffing, looking like a giant plum in my big purple dress, becoming increasingly suspicious that i was now actually in labor 3 weeks early with no groceries, a filthy dirty house, no hospital bag packed and no car seat in the car.  after buying God knows what at the store i went home, unloaded only the stuff that needed to go in the refrigerator, and took up residence on the couch with my legs as closed as i could get them hoping that whatever was happening in my body would slow down enough for me to get a game plan going.  a short while later, charles came home from work to find me curled up on the couch with francie laying on my chest (isn't it amazing how animals know when you have something going on and try to take care of you?  looking back, this is a funny forshadowing of how much she looks after the baby...).  i promptly informed him that he will probably be meeting his son sooner than expected; and also that i needed him to pack the bags, load the car seat, put away the groceries, clean the kitchen, and make dinner.  with minimal protest, he accomplished his tasks and we went to bed with fingers crossed that everything would work out well. 
tuesday, march 13th:
i had my weekly diabetes appointment scheduled for that afternoon.  still feeling crummy in the morning i was not at ALL looking forward to driving an hour to overland park and was also nervous that they might tell me to stay there (as the hospital is on the other side of the building from the diabetes doctor) and pop out a kid.  i asked charles to take off work early to drive me/load the car in case we were staying there/come along for moral support.  he was able to do so, much to my relief.  just in case i was not to return, i spent my morning at work frantically completing my "this is how you do my job" information and preparing them in every way i could for me to be gone.  consequently, i ended up leaving work late and we just barely had enough time to load the car and get to the doctor - no lunch. 
well i had been suspecting that i was leaking fluid after the OB appointment but never having done the whole birth thing before, i wasnt sure.  but i knew that the weekly sonogram would be the best way to ensure that the baby was doing well.  at the diabetes doctor, the nurse lady does the sonogram and measures the fluid and checks the baby for movement and then the doctor would breeze in for about 45 seconds, look at my blood sugar levels, make uninteresting assessments, then leave.  well considering that this appointment was a bit different in that i was in LABOR, i was adamant that the doctor double check the sonogram because the other lady felt that my fluid level was sufficient and i disagreed.  also, the doctor noted that my sugar levels had been high the last few days (labor - duh!) and was trying to put me on insulin for the remaining 3 weeks of my pregnancy and he could straight up bite me because that wasnt happening.  so yea, the doctor looked again and found that indeed i had a very small amount of fluid so he called my OB and sent me on over to the hospital. 
enter: michelle's mild panic attack.
we called all the parents and bosses right away.  my parents had somewhat already packed their bags and were on the road within an hour or so, charles' mom was not far behind them. (doing 85 on the highway i might add!)  since we didnt know how serious it was that the fluid level was low, and hadn't thought to ask really, we stood in the parking lot for a few minutes debating a quick run to a drivethrough for some lunch before checking in to the hospital.  in the end, we opted to be cautious and went straight over.  hungry, diabetic michelle was now only allowed to eat popsicles.  grr. 
as we were settling in to our labor room, i'm pretty sure i had the deer in the headlights look.  charles took up residence on the horribly uncomfortable "hospital lazy boy" and was rediculously relaxed about the whole thing.  they did my IV and some monitoring and then sent us for some laps around the floor where we walked arm in arm and i was amazed at how incredibly surreal the whole situation was.  8 months of pregnancy and somehow the actual birth came as a suprise to me.  i think i just hadn't yet wrapped my mind around the reality of it, but admittedly it is a pretty big thing to do.  not suprisingly, my blood pressure was through the roof so after 45 minutes of laps i finally managed to chill the hell out and they put me back in bed and went forward with the pitocin.
so there i laid for the next several hours while the blood pressure cuff (seriously, do those things need to go so tight?!) automatically kicked on every 10 mintues, they upped the pitocin every 30 minutes, and checked my blood sugar every couple of hours.  charles guiltily snuck down to the caffeteria for some dinner and reported the food to actually be pretty good, so i was even more so looking forward to my next meal - whenever that might be.  the parentental units arrived at around 7 and we all sat around in the labor room laughing and watching stupid things on tv.  periodically a nurse or the doctor would come in and check on me.  at first they would look at the monitor and ask me if i needed any pain meds yet, but as the evening went on, they would come in and check the contractions then look at me and go "WOW!  that was a big one!  are you SURE you don't want any pain relief?" and then even that turned into pretty much a poking in of the head to the room, see me on the bed about to fall asleep or eating a damn popsicle, laugh at what a labor freak i am, and go back out to report to the nurses station that i am officially the envy of every woman who has ever labored.  birth ninja - that's my new self-appointed name.  straight up birth ninja.  i didn't feel a thing until about 11 or 12 when the doctor came in to check me again and i was at 8cm and she found me to still have a tiny bit of fluid left.  once that was gone, the real fun began.  i started to feel the contractions.  thankfully they were still just like waves of menstral cramps and as they intensified to the point that i felt i might make an ass of myself in front of our parents, i asked them to step out and charles helped me breathe through them.  yay for yoga experience!  about the time they got really intense, i asked the nurse if i might be able to get something to take the edge off.  i felt like a bit of a weenie for making it all the way through the evening without drugs and then experience about an hour of contractions and wuss out, but hey - whatever.  so she checked me and found me to be at 10 cm already - the point of no return.  and so i gave myself a quick "suck it up" pep talk and kept on breathing.  at about 12:30, the doctor breezed in and (jokingly, apparently) told me that she was going to go do a c-section and that she expected me to be ready to go when she was done.  well i guess my body didn't pick up on the sarcasm either because a very short time later i felt that uncontrollable convulsion of the vajiggity that i immediately knew to be "pushing".  i equate it to 'vomiting of the vagina' because there was certainly nothing that could have been done to stop that!  luckily betsey, the super awesome labor/delivery nurse, was in the room and charles was right by my side.  she told me to just breathe through them for now and she would go check to see where the doctor was in the surgery.  a short time later she came back to report that the doctor was done and was on her way and we began pushing.  pushing. feels. great.  it was nice to be able to do something with the pain and i found that it didnt really hurt much anymore.  i also found that i wished i had exercised more because my lung capacity was not very good.. or maybe it was because i was tired and had a baby pressing on my lungs.  either way, exercise would have been good...  so anyway, the doctor came in and laughed at me for a second, revealed that she had actually been kidding about me being ready to go, and went to get her hazmat suit on.  she came right back and was telling us how she liked to wait till the last second to put on all the protective garb because it is really hot to wear (she is pregnant), then she took a look at my "situation" and immediately started putting on the damn stuff!  a team of nurses materialized out of thin air and on we went.  so after a total of about 15 minutes (tops) of pushing, i felt the head and body enter the birth canal.  isn't that a crazy feeling!?  looking back, this is one of the many times when i am grateful not to have taken any pain meds because i wouldnt want to miss out on this 3 minutes of my life for anything!  i felt my son make his way into the outside world - on the next contraction i got 2 pushes out as instructed, felt his head come out, and then squeezed in another good push and he was out!  i gave birth!  it was the most beautiful and amazing minute of my entire life.  he didnt really cry much, just a mild protest.  he was a little blue and slimy but they wiped him off a bit, laid a warm blanket on my chest and gave him to me.  "wow, that is amazing."  nothing else i could have said.  i touched his little hand and he grasped my finger and i was hooked. 
charles, who had done a completely amazing job, then cut the cord.  and for a few brief moments we were the only 3 people in the world - my husband, our son, and me.  nothing else mattered, and really, it still doesnt.  we are a family, and life is perfect.

perfection

so i've typed out a really great account of the ever-popular "birth story" post twice now and the last one was such a great blog post that when the computer froze up and deleted it AGAIN, i gave up on that.  so if you really want to hear the story, i will oblige, but for now i'm going to try to type up something else and hope it will post and just plow forward. 
so here is a list of things that are amazing:

1. my son.  (obviously)

2. my husband (again, obviously)

3. my friends and family, especially mom (yes, duh.)

4. monkey toes

5. baby farts that sound like man farts that are better than his daddy's farts that make me laugh

6. the fact that my son can wiggle both eyebrows independantly - i cannot WAIT for him to realize the power this has on a conversation and for him to use this power appropriately as a tool of communication

7. sometimes his eyes look grey, sometimes brown, sometimes green.  i'm still hoping for brown eyes but i dont know how long they take to settle on a color so for now i am satisfied to just be able to look at them

8. of all the information i read before he was born, i find now that i don't care about any of it.  i would rather live the moment than wonder if he is progressing as he should developmentally, etc.  not that i'm not curious, just occupied by more important things, like

9. the half-grin. 

10. how quickly he grows!!!!!!!!!!  i was too worried about how to actually care for a baby that it never even occured to me how quickly he would grow.  when he outgrew newborn clothes i had a mild panic attack - what an abrupt reminder to cherish every second!!!  especially -

11. middle of the night feeding.  i love my sleep.  who doesnt?  but seriously, i could sleep for 14 hours straight easily, even when i wasnt doing baby stuff.  the only times when i have "lost it' somewhat in anger towards the baby have been when he cries at a time that i would rather be sleeping.  i'm furiously angry for only as long as it takes me to get up out of bed and go into his room and look at him.  then the anger instantly disappears.  THATS amazing.

12. the unearthly power to soothe a child - holding other people's kids is great, but holding your own and feeling him relax in your arms and bury his little face in your shoulder is out of this world.  literally, out of this world - as in: heaven. 

13. hairy ears.  breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, lunchette, afternoon tea, dinner, supper - yup, that happens at our house.

14. baby yawns.

15. the dogs checking on "their baby"

16. flapping arms and legs when he gets really worked up in a good cry.

17. father and son time

18. knowing that i can provide for and raise another human being

19. priorities

20. the enrichment of my spiritual life resulting from my ability to say the words "my son".

21. the future.

35 weeks and 236 pounds of tired.

there - how's that for a mental picture, since i am apparently not going to post any "real" pictures.  there are a variety of them on my facebook, so go for it. 
i just thought i'd kill some time (at work) and post a bit of an update on life.  the 3rd trimester is going swimmingly.  i do have gestational diabetes and it really sucks.  i've been working with it for 4 weeks now and i have finally managed to find the right combination of meals and times for eating that will keep my blood sugar numbers in their proper place.  testing my blood is kind of creepy and i'm not a fan, but for the most part, it's not as bad as i thought it would be.  every now and again i will have a time when i just sit there with the little needle clicker pressed against my finger as i stare at it in disgust and apprehension (and a little fear), but alas, big girl panties are not optional anymore, so on i trudge.  i have learned a lot from it though, as in how and what to eat to keep my blood sugars level.  i do feel better with the new "diet" and my weight gain has been extremely minimal since starting it.  so i feel confident that by being even MORE in tune with my body than i was and continuing to follow this way of eating, i should be on the right track to stay healthy beyond the pregnancy.  that is my big goal.  diabetes runs in the family and i now have a 90% chance that i will develop it later in life and in subsequent pregnancy.  so that's motivation enough for me to be healthy and NEVER have to deal with this again.  as far as i can tell, there's just no reason to do this to my body anymore.  so i'll be getting fit and continuing to eat well once i am beyond the whole 'birth and recovery' thing.  i'm looking forward to it.
other than my blood, the rest of my body seems to be doing fairly well.  i get tired very easily, which is just odd considering that i dont really do much of anything.  i also get cranky very easily, but for the most part i can feel that coming on and it is usually related to my need to eat.  charles has been pretty amazing about it.  one of my many unfair and irrational fears has been that he will operate at his typical level of sensitivity and that it will anger me and we will spend a few weeks hating each other here at the end.  as always, he has come through for me brilliantly and can almost always refrain from snyde remarks and simply suggest that i go get something to eat.  luckily i'm self-aware enough to realize when i'm being a complete idiot and he doesn't rub it in - we move on. 
i havent really felt much in the way of contractions.  i was having sharp, localized pain over the weekend but according to my OB yesterday, that was just a nerve thing or a baby-punching thing.  i'm actually quite relieved because those pains were not at all comfortable.  not that contractions will be comfortable, but the few tightening feelings i have had were not really anything at all, so i'm feeling good about it at this point.
the latest thing is that, pending the measurement of the baby next tuesday, i might just be induced at 39 weeks.  the diabetes doctor will probably try to do an amnio at 38 weeks but i'm not really very excited about that idea so i will have the option to request an alternative.  we'll see how it goes.  overall, my care has been pretty great, so i'm not worried about the baby's health at all, and i'm fine too, so we're good.
so yes, the little guy is big.  he was 4 pounds 10 oz at 32 weeks, so theoretically next tuesday he will be 6 pounds 10 oz at 36 weeks.  but he's happy as a clam in there and moves around a lot still.  my placenta is on my left side so he's kinda stuck where he is, but that's fine as he is head down.  his favorite thing to do is push his butt out on my right side, although yesterday i felt a skinny little leg for the first time.  thankfully, my height is in my torso, so i do not have much in the way of crowding issues.  we both have plenty of room. 
so yea, that's the latest in my world.  the nursery is decorated with the exception of a couple more pictures to hang.  the diaper bag is packed for the hospital.  my bag is not yet packed, but i might get going on that htis weekend or next for sure.  we have met with the local police to have our car seat base installation lesson.  (and might i say, my heart sings to see my husband with a car seat in his hand.  how i will keep from exploding with joy to see him hold his son is beyond me!)  i have several meals in the freezer and help for the first 3 weeks or so is all lined up.  we are ready to get on with the adventure!

love

i know i'm a couple posts behind, but the general theme of both of them is love.  i have experienced such an outpouring of love lately in so many different ways; but i just read this article on cnn.com and it spoke of one version of love and so i thought i'd share it here:
http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2012/01/28/my-faith-what-people-talk-about-before-they-die/?hpt=hp_c2

Ms.Gwartney's class

i dont talk a lot about my job, mostly because it's not really interesting.  i am an administrative assistant for the special education department which covers 2 school districts.  i push papers, send emails and can make a mean spreadsheet.  i've never worked in a school district or had anything to do with special education (not counting one of my previous managers...).  so this job has given me a pretty healthy dose of ignorance and i am doing my best to muddle through as i learn new acronyms and laws, etc. 
well today i had occasion to visit a class at one of our elementary schools.  the teacher, ms. gwartney, and i have corresponded via emails often for various requests and she has invited me a number of times to walk over to her classrooms.  i have put it off for a couple of months because truth be told, i was scared of what i would see.  her class contains the most severely disabled kids in the county.  all are nonverbal and for the most part immoble. 
she took me around the room and introduced me to each student.  obviously they were all completely adorable.  the first one, a little boy, is 13.  he has cerbal palsey and was folded up in a swing of sorts with headphones on chewing on a teething toy and moaning to himself.  he looked to be content, although the teacher explained that he was a bit fussy because he didnt feel well.  last friday, in this class of 6 kids, they had 11 incidences of diarreha that soaked through clothes.  this one little boy alone had a gran mal seizure which caused him to throw up and soil himself and the swing while also rendering himself unconscious for about 30 minutes, during which time the teacher had to hold him. 
another little girl was sitting at a table staring intently out of her right eye into a plastic ball that lights up.  when the teacher called her name to introduce her to me, she turned to stare at me with that right eye while her left eye was completely clouded over and pointing a different direction.
the little guy i was most anxious to meet is sean.  i did a feature on sean for the district newsletter.  two years ago, the post newspaper did a story on sean and his family because the make-a-wish foundation had granted him what they believed to be his wish: a trip to disney world.  sean can not speak or walk and only recently has he been able to somewhat feed himself.  he has an extremely rare brain disease, among other things, that is pretty much progressively turning his brain into mashed potatos.  yet somehow, in this classroom, he has made some pretty extrodinary progress.  as i say, he's mostly off the feeding tube and is more responsive than he used to be, he can sign a couple of things.  sean's condition is such that he was only given 4-5 years of life - total.  he is 5.  when his teacher asked about the newsletter feature to find out when i would be sending it, i told her that it would go out today.  "good!", she said.  "his dad is leaving for deployment next week."  ..........can you imagine?  there have got to be so many "what if's" in that house that i wonder how there is any room left for the people! 
students aside, the teacher herself is clearly someone special.  you don't often see people who love their job as much as she does.  she told me that she retired from another school district after 35 years only to return to this district to do the same work 4 years ago.  she glows.  truly, she glows.  she sees God every day in these poor sweet kids and there is not a single doubt in her mind that her day is as full of love and service as it possibly could be.  to me, that room was full of intensity and fear; to her - love.  it's just amazing.

ok ok ok

so yes, i apologize for my pissy rant in the last post.  thank you for reading and thank you for not calling me a crazy loser bitch.  i could easily blame hormones but that just seems like cheating.
after much time snuggling with an ice pack, my back improved.  still have no idea what was wrong.  many people have recommended the chiropractor but frankly i can't afford it so whenever things get sore, i bust out the heating pad and hope for the best.  today is the first day of the 3rd trimester, and if it goes as quickly as the last 2, which it will, then this will all be over soon and i will then embark upon a whole new set of issues i'm sure. 
my friend katie has made it to her destination.  she said goodbye to her family just befor new years and is now adjusting to life in one of the absolute worst places anyone could be in a country full of people who want to kill her - afganistan.  it scares the hell out of me.  her most recent FB status update was simply: "this sucks".   obviously, i am often upset by and disgusted with the serious disconnect that so many people have with the military.  as my wise mother pointed out - people do not take the time to familiarize themselves with an aspect of life taht does not relate to them.  this is so true.  in my mind, i need to cut everyone a lot more slack than i do.  just because something is so important to me does not mean that it should be important to everyone else.  *sigh*  i'm not sure if this train of thought makes me a selfish or self-less person by wanting everyone else to share my enthusiasm for the military life; but i suspect that considering the fact that i even have to ponder that distinction makes it a selfish thought.  perhaps i should try to use this space as it was intended - a place to share these random thoughts and less of a place to preach them.  alas, i am "a crazy pregnant lady" (as i was called a number of times in the past couple of weeks).  i can only hope that this will pass and i can once again reel in my tounge because quite frankly, pregnancy makes me mean.
our 2 weeks in wichita were passed beautifully.  there was much time spent in pjs and taking naps.  i have developed such an appreciation for charles' family - they are so awesome!  they are all so loving and accepting, the more time i spend with them the more grateful i am for their love in my life and they show me so much about the type of person i should be more often than i am.  (follow that?)  it's much easier to be judgemental, but brings so much more happiness to just love unconditionally.  and for the sake of fair representation - we had a lovely time with my parents also.  they both enjoyed "belly watch 2011" and got to participate in belly karate practice.  we missed cameron terribly.  he was in washington with his wife and her daughter, so he probably wasn't really missing us much though.  i did get a "happy new years chunks" text and a brief text-versation ensued during which he addressed me as "pregnosaurus", which was pretty awesome.  but we hope to see him in september for the air show.  the rotation seems to be about 3 days together every 2 years.  as my own little family becomes more present in my life, i find myself missing the rest of my family even more.  but anyway, once i download the pictures i took over break from my camera i will try to give a more comprehensive account of our activities for the last couple of weeks.