just checking in

so my summer of "working 10 hour days" is about half way done and although it's nice to get 3 uninterrupted days with my son, i will be glad when it's over.  although i get paid for 40 hours of work each week, i doubt that i have even been able to scrape together one solitary hour of actual work.  so these days of sitting here like a grown up in front of a computer at a nice wooden desk with my own phone line are mostly just a sham that prevents me from actually accomplishing such earth-shattering tasks as "laundry", "vacuming", "cooking", or dare i say - "sleep!".  but whatever, it's a paycheck.  and for the most part, it pays the bills.
my health and fitness regime is going fairly well.  i may or may not have eaten a few cookies for dinner sunday, but otherwise it really is going ok and i am pleased to say that my black work capris which were unbuttonable 2 weeks ago are borderline loose this week.  it seems there is more than a grain of truth to the 70% diet/30% exercise line because i dont think i was able to do my workout video once last week because i pulled a muscle in my back the week before.  but all is well now and i am happily eating well on a 3 hour schedule and doing my best to balance it out as the pantry/fridge will allow.  i cant buy groceries till friday so things are about to get pretty creative, but i'll make it work.  i will weigh and measure myself again on sunday - the 1st.  so although i dont think there will be as big of a change as i had planned, i am content in the knowledge that i basically did my best and my plan of not beating myself up about it seems to be going well.  Lord knows i need to cling to whatever makes life easier right now.  i'm having a hell of a time!  i see my husband for about 10 hours a week and not at all on some days.  i usually get to talk to him on the phone a couple times a week outside of that time too, today being oneof the days i should get to do both.  (yay!)  i can honestly say that i am not at all struggling with taking care of the baby by myself, i just get lonely for him and also hate it that he misses out on so much with the baby, who he sees less of than he sees me.  all around, our schedules just blow.  but he'll start his leave at the end of september so we'll just hold on till then.  and i am of the opinion that i'll actually talk to him more when he's in korea than i do now, so i'm not really worried about that.  i know it's a silly thing to complain about when there are so many people worse off, it's just wearing on me.  so if i happen to go off the deep end - at least you had some warning.
cameron is doing very well.  he has been having a MAJOR growth spurt this last week and has almost doubled his intake.  i'm keeping up with him but i'd be lying if i said it didnt feel like i spent my weekend feeding and pumping.  but that's not entirely true, i also spent it packing up his 0-3mo clothes and brining out the 3-6's.  he certainly doesn't look like a newborn anymore and i have no idea how this has happened.  but he continues to be a very happy little guy and although he's more and more squirmy every day, he does very well to keep himself entertained and is  easy to calm.  i hope to be able to buy him one of those great bouncy exercise saucer chair things soon.  he's not to much for the swing that we have but loves his laying back bouncy chair.  he's getting better in the bumbo seat (although last night i was afraid he had gotten stuck in it because his fat little legs wouldnt come out until i held down the seat with my elbow while pulling his body out of it) but when you pick him up his little legs push and flap so i think he'll really enjoy something that allows him to work on those thunder thighs.  overall - being his mother is supremely magical.  there have been a number of times when, due to stress or sleep-deprivation or whatever, i have been extremely down or grumpy and just when i think i'm about ot break he will look into my eyes and let out this huge grin and make his nerdy laugh sound and it almost moves me to tears.  God sure knows how to orchestrate that emotional ebb and flow in me.  i can be sitting in his room rocking his squirmy squirmy squirmy little self against my body (because he occasionally decides that he in no way is interested in laying down in my arms) and patting his back quietly thinking about all the things i have to do for the next day before i can go to sleep an hour or so later.  when everything around me is threatening to overwhelm me i will feel his little breath sigh on my neck and his body will go limp with sleep and i just can't stand to put him down in his crib.  even though i know he's out, i will just continue to rock him because this peaceful time is the cherry on top of the sundae that he already is.  it is filling me up with the strength i need to plow through one more day with relative grace.  there are many more important things to be thankful for than there are to be stressed about and that little boy manages to remind me every day of just that.