taking a stab at this: Journal

things are slow at work so to pass the time i figured i'd blog.  but to help me direct my thoughts to less-depressing things than my previous couple of posts, here's the ever-popular 'journal' thing:
TODAY

Out my window: sun is shining and i think it's supposed to get up to 45 today.  i have made a deal with myself that i will load up cameron in the jogging stroller on days when it gets above 50, so we'll see. 
Clothing myself in: kahki pants (sorry, i can't spell khaki.. or is that right?  who knows, whatever...) that are size 18 and purchased for when i went back to work after the baby.  they look rediculous becuase i am thankfully NOT a size 18; however i only have 2 pair of pants for work that are not too tight, including these, so although i could probably fit a midget inthe butt of these pants, i'm going to wear them until the rest of my clothes are more comfortable.  but at least i finally let the hem out a bit this weekend so they are no longer 3" too short.  i'm a hot mess, what can i say.  also have a blue wrap shirt on and a long red sweater coat thing in hopes of disguising the butt situation with these pants.  go me.
Around the house: it's pretty clean.  mom and dad were here this last weekend.  i get stressed out when it's not clean so i often put that ahead of other things but it allows me to feel some sense of control over the world.  so house is clean but i still want to clean the carpets upstairs.  consequently i'm shootingto spend more time with the baby in the living room because the carpets ARE clean down there.
The baby: the old 'lay a blanket on the floor for him' trick is behind us.  still not crawling but that boy is a mover!  hence the carpet cleaning stuff... tooth # 5 is through and it's fellow is not far behind.  he's recovered from his sickies last weekend and is back to being very happy and active.  he crashes shortly after 7 and has no interest in crawling but would rather stand up and flail his arms all over.  i keep standing him against the couch to work on supporting himself that way.  i am certain that i will regret this later.  but he's having a blast.
In the kitchen: been doing the meal replacement shakes for 2 months now and i love it.  i still get all of my recomended foods every day but without having to take the time to cook or eat 2 of my 3 big meals.  it's wonderful!  i plan my food the night before.  tonight i'm making a big pot of stuffed pepper soup.  i have stuff for some broccoli and cheddar soup too, went to panera this weekend and had a bowl there and decided i must cook it too.  tried cauliflower in some mac and cheese a while back and it was great. 
Crafting: finally did some sewing this weekend!  in addition to the re-hemming of the pants i also made some taggies and sewed together some bath towels to send to a couple of friends in afganistan to protect their electronics from sand, an idea given by another friend with experience in the whole sand vs. electronics thing.  now i just have to wait till i get paid friday since i spent my postage fund on groceries.  awesome.  i hope to make some more taggies and i used some christmas money to buy quilting supplies so i will also eventually do that.  i also have a friend and her daughters who come over once a week for crochet lessons so im enjoying that too.  oh, and i've discovered the zen quality to painting small things.  who knew!?  i had occasion to paint some things for christmas gifts and want to do more of it.  i'm planning an eventual wooden name plate for cameron's room.

Reading: harry potter and the half blood prince.  few people really know about my harry potter addiction, so now you're clued in.  reading is my escape and i absolutely love escaping to that world.  i've read the entire series probably 10 times at least.  it drives charles crazy to see me reading them, but he doesn't know how crazy i could drive him if i didnt.  and so i read.
Bringing me joy: talked to charles on instant messenger this morning.  i wouldn't go straight to 'joy bringing' since we're both pretty miserable, but it is certainly better to talk to him than not.  i'm also happy that cameron is back to his happ self after being sick.  and the basement renovation is officially underway and that makes me very happy and excited.  i'm surpising charles with it and i'm so excited to do this for him.  he will love it!
Thinking about: charles and how to help him, how to help myself, get through this year.  it's going so. slowly.  also the fact that we have it easy compared to so many others.  we had 3 1/2 years together before this year apart.  some people get 12-18 months together.  to think of that with more than 1 kid, i just can't imagine.  so i try to remind myself that it could be worse, although admittedly that doesn't make me feel any better.  also thinking of money and wishing i could find a way to make it go further.
Pictures to share - yea, i got nothing.  i've been trying to do better about taking them to document the year.

crap ass

i've sat here at work this morning reading the blogs of friends and pondering what i'd say on a post.  unfortuantly most of what has been going through my mind is not very positive and i put a little bit of effort into thinking of a way to turn my crap ass day/week/month/year into some sort of optimistic life lesson that puts trivial human sufferings into perspective but honestly: i got nothin.  sometimes stuff just sort of sucks and i dont really care if that's nice or not.  i miss the hell out of my husband.  he's only been gone for 2 months and we have 10 more to go before i can touch him again, or even look at him 3 dimensionally, see the color of his eyes, snuggle up with him in his oversized sweat pants.  this is not ok.  i dont like it.  it is not easy.  and every time i think about that blessed day when i pick him up from the airport with our then 18 month old son running around all over the place, it makes me cry.  i had hoped that month #2 would go quickly with the busy holiday season but it didn't really.  charles was 100% miserable to be away on christmas and there wasnt a thing i could do about it, which made me miserable too.  but now that's over and we're both very glad.  now that we're in the new year, the year when we will see each other again, i know the time will go more slowly because we have nothing to distract us between now and then except every day life.  and let's face it, that's just not all that distracting with an elephant like this in the room.  i walk around every day with a dulled out grey feeling.  i do a pretty good job of getting things done, heck, i even cleaned carpets this weekend.  and although i know i could always do better with cameron, teaching him to sign or singing songs or whatever, i am still making his baby food and we have at least 30 minutes of play time, just us, every night during the week when i'm not feeding him or myself or cooking or cleaning, etc.  so that's pretty good i think, all things considered.  my eyebrows are kind of-ish tweezed and for the most part i do well to wear clothes that match, at least when i'm out of the house.  i'm even doing pretty well at eating healthy, even though i can't get any exercise in.  i lost 2 1/2 inches on my waist this last month but gained a pound.  carbs are the enemy.  apparently.  so is stress.  yea...  so i know there are good things and i do a pretty good job of celebrating them, not so much because i feel like celebrating at all, but because i know that i have to hold on to something remotely victorious or else i would just go under completely. 
this morning cameron, who is getting sick, projectile vomited all over the both of us, and the chair, and the wall behind me.  no joke, it was like that scene in shrek the third where the baby in the carriage pukes.  he let it go once and then turned to face me and i had a half a second where i grabbed the burp rag on my shoulder an dheld it up in front of my face before he let it go again.  it was the weirdest thing i've ever seen.  well, no, that's not true.  but it was still weird.  then he just sat there looking at me all confused with some disgustingly wet hiccups.  i cursed myself for putting htat tight shirt on him this morning because now i was peeling off puke-soaked tight shirt.  but we got it figured out and i hope i managed to wipe all the puke off both of us before we re-dressed and headed out. i was only a few minutes late to work.  that was my superwoman moment of the day, too bad i capped out early because there is a lot of day left here.  i tried to find a picture of the scene from shrek but if you have never googled 'shrek the third puke scene', please dont do it.  serves me right, that was gross.
so yea, there's an incredibly lame blog post for you.  thanks for reading.  it just seemed like too much to express as a facebook status. 

what if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for today?

i always love that thought.  it often runs through my mind while i'm trying to wrangle snuggle the baby after his bottle during nigh-night prayers.  (and yes, i totally said nigh-night prayers, and do so on a regular basis.  i also say teefers, footies, and necky - but all not nearly as often as i say tooties, because let's face it, he's my son)  but i digress...  there is much to be thankful for. 
mr cameron is doing well.  he's still *so close* to crawling, but i'm absolutely in no hurry for him to figure it out.  he's been out of sorts lately.  i'm not sure if this is due to teething or the absence of daddy or what, but he is just "off" lately.  it's incredibly frustrating when you don't know what's going on; but he is still a good boy and even though he doesnt always eat his fruit or veggies when i think he should (or at all) sometimes, he is still healthy and never goes to sleep hungry.  newsflash: mom can't control everything.  we have been able to skype charles several times and only a couple of times when the baby is awake, one of which was over the weekend.  charles usually wears his beanie but this time he was not wearing it and when cameron saw him on the screen i think it was the first time he recognized him and he went NUTS!  his little arms and legs were moving up a storm and he did that little hyper-ventilating fast breathing thing he does when he gets excited.  it was great to see.  charles enjoyed it also.  i certainly have the easy end of this situation, i can't imagine how hard it is for him to be away.  but thankfully, the technology allows me to send him a TON of pictures and keep him up to date on all of our daily activities, from stuffy noses to reaching for dish towels.  it's not exciting but it's our life and i'm certainly going to share it with him one way or another - every bit.
charles is settled in to his room in the barracks.  it's a very nice room with a little kitchen and everything.  he doesn't have his shipped goods yet but hopefully soon.  he is still inprocessing so it will be a couple weeks before he begins work; so he's bored out of his mind.  but he is getting out and enjoying the area and trying new things and i am so happy for him that he gets to have these adventures!  it seems like i'm always the one traveling and doing fun things and he's always working, so this is an amazing opportunity for him and i am so proud of him for the way he is embracing it.  he's making the most of his time away.  we have pretty much decided that he will not come home on a mid-tour leave because of the traveling cost.  so the first month is almost over and the 2nd month will go quickly, hopefully the rest follow suit for both of us.
i'm trucking along pretty well still.  my good friend claudia is here for a visit and leaves tomorrow.  it has been wonderful for both of us to have a few days together.  i havent started my exercising stuff yet (shocker, i know) but hope to this week when my steady stream of visitors dies down.  but i am feeling well (mentally) and staying strong and not having the anger issues that i was afraid of having - so i'm very happy about that.  but i know that i will need to keep it all up with preventative exercise and continuing to practice my positive thinking/redirection.  but i'm managing to keep the house clean and meals cooked and celebrating those small victories.  this last week i washed my couch cushion covers for the first time.  eeew, i know. totally gross considering how long we've had the couches, but they are those microfiber things and i was nervous about ruining them.  so i had a wild hair and decided to just give it a shot, you know, right before a holiday weekend with company coming.  thankfully, it worked very well and other than one of the cushions losing a zipper thingy (which i stashed in the drawer for the next time), it was a success.  please, come smell how my couch doesnt smell like dog butt mouth! 
so yes, it's all as good as it can be in michelle world.  yay!

day 3 - still truckin

here i sit at work.  my 2 bosses are out for a conference for the rest of the week so i must pace myself even mroe slowly than usual as the incoming workload will be diminished.  so because i suspect that at least someone out there might be curious about my mental/emotional state this week i figured i'd blog. 
i'm actually doing suprisingly well!  i say 'suprisingly' because up until a day or so before he left i really had no idea how i'd deal.  but thankfully i had a sort of 'come to Jesus' talk with myself (riveting inner-monologue, let me tell ya..) and decided that no matter what, i CAN do this.  and so it was decided, and so i am doing.  the support and check ins i have received have been overwhelmingly awesome.  i have 2 other army wife friends in different locations whose husbands are deploying also within this week.  we're all connected and it's nice to give and receive support to/from them also.  but as my therapist wisely pointed out yesterday, all of that will die down and there will be a point when i will be on my own.  and i will be fine.  actually since i feel that i'm doing so well, i find myself wanting to focus the energy i had been "saving" for myself on my poor husband who definitely does NOT have the suport system that i do.  i tried to have a number of conversations with him before he left to determine how i can best help him.  it is generally accepted that my year will go much faster than his and he is very self-less; but it is also my job to help him.  but in trying to discuss our "goals" for each other this year, he didn't really have anything.  but i know there were a couple of things he wanted to do and as the parting came closer, he seemed to have all but talked himself out of them.  so i'm going to do some research and try to figure out how i can help him out.  he will be "in transit" of sorts for about a month before he gets settled in to his final destination, so i won't be able to send him anything just yet.  but i will when i can.  if anyone wants to send him anything, i'll try to remember to it on FB when i get it.
so yea, i'm doing ok.  i always miss him and the time together is never going to be enough, ever.  but it's not to that aching painful missing you point yet.  it will come.  so many things are different this time though, better and worse.  now we have voxer, which is pretty awesome.  it's like instant text/walkie talkie through an app.  he has it on his tab and i have it on my phone, so i was able to text him from the other side of the world a couple days ago.  it's just amazing!  i wish my grandma could see that!  he is 15 hrs ahead of us but i am at least somewhat able to know what he's doing because he's checked in with a few words each day.  so i know that, at least as of yesterday afternoon, he had only slept about 4 hrs.  i suspect his extremely grumpy, tired, and out of cigarettes.  so for that reason, i am glad i'm not there.  i sent him a picture of the baby and an update on what he was up to last night.  it did make me tear up to send it because i know that will be a necessary evil about this year: watching his son grow up through a digital device.  but i'm grateful for the option and i know he is too.  it's a beautiful nightmare.
speaking of little man, he's doing well.  thankfully, he's been a good boy this week.  his top 2 teeth are working their way down.  the bottom 2 came in at the same time and the top 2 are doing the same.  baby teeth are so friggen cute!  he was super fussy over the weekend but this week he's ok.  i need to make some more baby food.  that's going really well, he loves sweet potatoes and squash.  he eats a lot of those.  i tried green beans but wanted to do fresh - the ones at dillons were brown, and 99 cents (imagine that), but i wasn't going there.  yuck city.  so i got frozen: fail.  i think i'll have to bite the bullet and buy low-sodium canned just so taht they will get mushy in the food processer and maybe he'll eat them.  i also plan to try peas.  so far he eats rice cereal or oatmeal cereal, applesauce, pears, plums, sw potatoes, squash and carrots.  i welcome other suggestions.  he'll be 8 months old next week and i have read a ton of articles and books and asked the doctor and all seem to say something different about what he should be eating now so i'm a bit confused and lost.  so experienced moms - please sound off because i could use some solid advice. 
other than feeding, he's doing great.  he can pretty much sit up on his own and still has no interest in crawling.  my mom is coming up today and will stay through next week so he'll get some serious grandma time.  so yea, overall, it's good.
and since you read this far down in my random thought process - here's some pictures of the cutest boy in the world on halloween:


our babysitter, who is amazing, makes these shirts with her boys for every holiday.  she sets the bar pretty high but we're gonna do our best to keep with it for him too.  she also has an embroidery machine so she did the lettering herself.  we painted cameron's super tickly feet, much to his displeasure, hence the smudgy ghost.  on halloween we had planned to just dress him up in his skeleton pj's and take him to the neighbor's house.  he took a nap instead, so these are the extent of his "first halloween" pictures.  works for me.

yes, his hair has some red in it, also some blond.

dry

as one of those people who is essentially a full time working single mother, my goal was to breast feed for 6 months.  but honestly, i know it's the best thing and also *free*, so i was willing to go a year; but i didn't know how difficult it might possibly be so i reasoned with my pregnant self that 6 months was a nice realistic goal.  so on came little man and his high palate and my short fuze and our inability to latch.  as familiar as i am with my level of patience, especially in difficult and sleep-deprived situations, within the first 2 days home from the hospital, i made the commanding decision to pump exclusively instead of fighting the tearful battle of the boob.  once the choice was made, i felt better enough not to be frustrated and my guilt was extremely minimal.  after all - he was still getting the goods, just not directly from me.  and so my intimate relationship with the pump began.  15 minutes every 2 hours, then every 3 hours, then every 5 hrs has now - over the weekend - turned into every 12 hrs.  well... ok.  i have maybe 2 weeks (maybe) worth in the freezer, and he's had formula before with no issues, so that won't be a tough transition, but it still makes me a little sad.  it's a conflicted feeling actually, on one hand i'm pretty stoked to get that time back.  now i can put him to bed and continue getting myself ready for the next day and NOT have to go back in his nursery to pump before i go to sleep.  i also did NOT bring my pump to work today for the first time in 7 months, which means that i do NOT have to sit in the nasty little basement bathroom at work used by the technology department with the stolen conference room chair placed there just for me so that people can walk by and knock on the door while i sit there pumping for 15 minutes trying to pretend like there isn't someone standing just outside the door listening (yea, that's not been weird/frustrating... ever...).  so yes, while i am a little sad that i won't be providing the best thing for him anymore, i am overall pretty happy to have my body back.  and i feel good about the fact that at least he had it for his first 8 months.  for a working mom, i think that's pretty good.
on another note, we had family pictures taken during our hellish week in wichita at the beginning of october.  they turned out quite a bit better than i thought they would, but if you're bored or need a good laugh, go ahead and take a look at the link.  if you are familiar with my family, as you probably are, you'll get a kick out of the grandma camacho situation, also big cameron has some pretty funny faces, especially while little cameron is screaming bloody murder.  classic.  mom and dad have some SUPER cute pictures though.  so yea, i look forward to your feedback on that magical evening.  also, the picture where little cameron has 'given up on life' (you'll know it when you see it) - charles wants to turn it into one of those demotivational posters.  any suggestions?  :)

choosing

i just came across a phrase in reading a beautiful friend's blog and it stuck out to me: choosing to be joyful.  what a difficult thing!  it sounds simple enough but it sure isn't!  the last couple of weeks i feel that i'm just barely holding my head above water.  my choices more closely resemble: choosing to wake up today, choosing to eat at least two or three times, choosing to put one foot in front of the other, etc.  like most people, i hate to admit my struggles.  i hate to admit that i don't have the strength to do what needs to be done, and i hate to limit the term "needs".  why is it that we expect so much of ourselves?  maybe if we eased up a bit on ourselves it wouldnt be so difficult to overcome our expectations and just simply be happy with what life shovels at us from day to day.  but again - if it was as easy as that, we probably wouldn't need therapists.  or chocolate.  or moms.  (not listed in order of importance, by the way - mom.)
so maybe i can make "choosing to be joyful" the big goal and depending on the heap of the day i might just "choose to be" or maybe even just "choose".  then i can maybe feel like i'm accomplishing something or making forward movement of some kind.  today is definitely a 'choose' day, it's looking that the rest of the week will continue much the same.  who am i kidding... the rest of the MONTH will continue that way.  but it's something.  keep on keepin on, i say.  and work off the chocolate later...

the beginning of the end

in our house right now, we have what is known as "the beginning of the end".  charles starts clearing post today, which means that at some point in the next several weeks, he will be taking up residence in a country somewhere on the other side of the world and we will begin the adventure of raising our 6 month old son from separate continents.  i feel a vague looming cloud in the future, but for the most part i try not to dwell on the specifics.  i don't yet know how i will deal with it and how it will play out.  all i know for sure is that it will suck and be very difficult.  there are many things to do between now and then though.  bank accounts to be shuffled, powers of attorney to get, mass quantities of packing to be done, etc.  we dont even know for sure when he'll leave.  we have a "week" but even that could change because he's requested an extension of his leave to allow him a chance to make another trip back to wichita to see his family.  we also don't know if he'll be able to come back part way through the year.  we looked up flight prices last week: $1600-2300.  considering that we plan to use this time to get out of debt, it would somewhat defeat the purpose if so much money was spent.  but we'll see.  it's just another thing on the list of things that will probably suck a lot. 
but there are good points!  Lord knows i have to find good points or else why would i bother at all!  we have gotten very close lately and are doing very well to depend on each other.  yes, that may seem like a very bad point given that we are about to be ripped apart and not able to be together, but you'd be amazed what you can accomplish together when you're physically apart.  i also have been working on great plans for home renovations while he's gone.  the basement is definitely a priority, as are the garage and the landscaping.  obviously, my parents will play a huge roll in this - which leads into another good point: support.  my parents will be up even more than they have been, a couple of other friends have offered to come for a visit, my neighbor and her husband will be very helpful and supportive, and my friend christina is already jumping on the band wagon and getting me out of the house for times when i am alone.  i'm also exercising again.  i did so 4 times last week: 2 nights i went to a class and 2 days i went on long walks with 2 different friends.  i learned very vividly this summer that i cannot be as much of a loner as i want to be, it is unhealthy for me (or anyone for that matter).  phone calls are good, but human interaction is just necessary. 
so while my misery is eminent, i'm doing my best to focus on the things that will get me through the transition until i can establish a new routine: support, plans, exercise and generally keeping busy. 
prayer intentions: controlling my anger.  one of the stages of transition that always seem to creep in when he leaves is the anger/resentment.  it is obviously not good and definitely not fair to him, but with the baby in the equation and my anger always so close to the surface these days anyway, it is a major contributor to what scares me about the situation.  my mental health is slippery, at best, for the most part and i fear what will happen when the "balance" of my world is upset. 
another intention: this weekend i was told of a possible job opportunity  that would be a substantial pay raise.  it would be a very difficult job, but i can do it, and it would be worth it to not have to stress about money.  i would not leave my current job if it weren't for the opportunity of actually being able to pay all my bills.
making me happy: there is a sams club opening at legends next month, i'm very exited.

little man: he's still super smiley and teething.  cereal consumption is going better but still hit or miss.  he'll be having his 6 month checkup a cuople of weeks late, but thankfully he has not had so much as a sniffle so there are no complaints there.  he sleeps about 10 hrs a night.  he rolls and scoots around but no crawling yet, but it's coming soon i think. 

i look at this whenever i need a smile: