the body delema

as i sat at a restaraunt last night waiting for some friends to arrive, drinking a long island iced tea sent from the heavens and people watching, i was reflecting on the self-image of society.  i know, deep stuff for a friday night at a bar.  but whatever.  there were a pair of young ladies sitting at the table next to me.  one was skinny and very fashion forward, the other thought she was skinny and was doing her best to be fashion forward.  from what i gathered about their conversation, they used to be close and had not spent much time together lately and were "reconnecting".  they talked about how things used to be when they hung out, how they were not looking forward to turning 23 *gasp* because they did not know what they wanted to do with their lives and dreaded all the questions from older relations.  (i actually laughed out loud at this and attempted to play it off that something funny was happening on the overhead tv...)  it got me thinking about perceptions, social implications, and something i ponder entirely too much: weight.
i am taking fat burning pills.  they have indeed been burning some of my fat, but mostly i think they inhibit my appetite, which is really more to the heart of my problem.  i love food.  i dont know anyone who doesnt love food.  i also have seen the scale tell me i weigh 200 pounds.  that makes me love food less... or at least take a serious look at its role in my body.
i'm not going to sit here and say that i dont want to be skinny, because i do.  but more importantly, i want to be skinny because that means i will be healthy.  i have become familiar enough with clothes to understand that it is possible to look great at any size if you know how to dress yourself.  but as my fantasticly supportive husband tells me, i am not happy at my weight and only i can change it.  he wants me to lose weight not because i'll miraculously turn into megan fox, but because he wants me to be happy with myself.  how's that for a concept to slap across the face of america?  be happy with yourself. 
for me, being happy with myself means that my belly does not protrude so far as to cause people to ask me when i'm due.  it's pretty frustrating for a person who has yet been able to become pregnant to be asked when she is due when she is NOT.  being happy also means that i am grateful for the things my body can do.  although i hate it that all my fat resides in my belly - at least it's all in one place!  my boss's ass has at least doubled in size since she started working there.  seriously.  i'd rather have a gut that hangs over my pants than have to buy pants 3 sizes too big just so they fit around my butt.  so i'm happy with my fat, even though i wish there were less of it.  my body is also strong.  i am tall and can reach things on high shelves and hardly EVER have to use a step ladder.  my body gives good hugs.  my body loves to receive hugs... especially squishy hugs.  my body will someday carry a baby - life will happen in my body.  my body is a miracle.

so even though it's not necessarily socially acceptable to prane around with the audacity to have curves in all the wrong places, i'm ok with that.  it's ok to be confident in your body, even though you might have a thing or two you are working to change about it.  i'm not about to walk around in public in a bathing suit but i will gladly throw on some jeans or sweats and a tshirt and go out and about feeling thankful that i am me.

my highly sought-after husband

so charles was off yesterday and today from work and so last night he met up with a friend (who is stationed at ft. Sill) from Cuba and they went out to taste the delights of the local boozery in backwoods po-dunk oklahoma.  i just got off the phone with him a bit ago to get the full report and amazingly, he does not speak highly of oklahoma society. 

as any faithful wife who is 100% in love with her good looking husband would, i am all the time telling him how attractive he is - for further proof, see the photo below where he poses as the lead news anchor for the channel 6 action news team along side his pimptastic cousin who stands to the left.  well apparently some hopped up girl at the bar agreed with me.  as he stood playing pool with his buddies, some random guy approached him asking to bum a cigarette, to which he generously consented.  the guy then proceeded to point out said random chick and suggest that charles go talk to her.  he seemed to have successfully sho-ed away the guy by telling him that he's married and clearly not interested in such bafoonery.  they must not think much of marraige in that area because then the girl herself approached him and attempted to engage him in conversation, etc.  slightly miffed and not at all flatered (apparently she wasnt much of a looker), he point blank asked her what her intentions were because he was under the impression that he had made it clear to her friend that he was not interested.  she claimed to have understood him to be married but just wanted to "see what he was like" - translation "how married are you?".  aaah such classy society.  lord help us if we ever get stationed there...  i may need to learn how to shoot a gun.

he's gone again

so monday morning we found out that charles was going to take a little trip to ft Sill, oklahoma for 30 days - he was supposed to leave on wednesday but they delayed it until today.  we also found out with certainty that he will be deployed again sometime after the first of the year.  which leaves us just a few months (once he returns from oklahoma) to continue the attempts at baby making.  no pressure.  i remember hearing at some point that there is literally a 4 hour window during which conception can take place.  it is difficult not to dwell on the number of hours we have and wonder how in the hell we're going to get it right.  but alas, i have no choice but to surrender it to God.  i just really really hope he sees fit to bless us with our miracle before charles leaves.  there are many things terrifying about the situation all around.  i suppose if we dont get pregnant before he goes, then i couldnt have handled it.  reflection: i'm either too weak and will be miserably alone in many ways, or i am strong and will be insanely stressed but deleriously happy.  i guess we'll see. 

garden update

as previously stated, my plants are doing swimmingly. 

this is my "lucky lavender bush".  joe and claudia told me that to plant a lavendar bush is lucky so to home depot i went in search of a bush.  they were all pretty sickly but i bought one anyway, willing to resort to any sort of foolishness to press my advantage for some special luck.  thankfully, it seems to have remained alive and even looks better than it did when i bought it, so that's good.  i was a bit worried about the cosmic implications associated with kiling a lucky lavender bush.  apparently the neighborhood cats wanted in on the luck also, as one left me a bit of a present.  is cat poop lucky?  we'll say yes, just so that i dont have to pick it up.

i've been god about pruning my rose bushes, i have 3 yellow ones.  this one is the happiest of all of them, a couple days ago i counted 14 blossoming buds.  it's just so beautiful!  i'm very happy with how well it's doing.

this picture doesnt do justice to the butterfly bushes but they are getting pretty free range.  i wish the others were growing as quickly, but overall i sure can't complain.

Beans was welcoming me home.  she says hi.

happy friday

greetings from my lame white collar world.  it is friday; amazingly enough, the bosses are not here; the office is not busy; and i do not feel like working in any way.  and thus i blog. 
not too much has happened since carlitos returned from school.  but i sure am happy that he's here.  i really do love being married.  i have had doubts about my vocation in the past, but not for a very long time, and i am confident that marriage is my vocation without a doubt.  it's such an amazing feeling to have someone always by your side (even if just in spirit and not always literally).  our military lifestyle is not always condusive to togetherness, and that often sucks.  but at least there is very little danger that i will take him for granted.  we have such a beautiful life together.  we have 2 good cars, a pantry full of food, a really cute dog, a nice house - but most importantly, we have each other always.  we have been tested, we know that we can make a life together even if WE'RE not together.  and we will be tested in that way again and again.  i'm not worried.  did you know that military marriages have over 75% divorce rate?  drill instructors, which is what he is working towards now, have over an 85% divorce rate?  isnt that depressing!?  it just makes me sad for those young military couples who dont really know what they're getting in to and are insecure and too dependant.  that's really where the problems begin.  it's easy to get scared, too scared to function.  but that's just not an option.  really, i dont see it as an option for any relationship.  you love and respect someone through thick and thin.  i guess the military has a few different twists on the "thick" part of it sometimes, but it's not like you get married to someone and then find out the next day that he's in the military. 
job search: an opportunity presented itself to work as an administrative assistant for the Leavenworth Catholic Schools but unfortunately i would have had to take a pay cut of about $12,000+ and i just can't afford to do that.  we're desperately trying to pay stuff off so that i might have a fighting chance to stay home and raise a baby or two.  but i am still in the running for 2 government jobs in the offpost housing office, which is actually in the basement of where i work now.  so i already know everyone and am familiar with the job.  i think i have a really good chance at one of those jobs and not only would that get me in the system for a government job (which is difficult to do and awesome to have your foot in the door) but it would be a small pay raise too.  i've been seriously considering trying my hand at being a pampered chef consultant.  i think i would do well at it and it will come in handy when charles leaves again.  yes, i realize this is a similar train of thought to one i had the last time he left.  but this is at least kitchen stuff and much less scandelous than my previous endeavor.  but i think i will be waitng until it gets closer to the time for him to leave before i act on it.  who knows what will happen between now and then.  and i certainly don't want to have to committ myself to lots of time away before he does leave.
so yea, a whole lot of nothing in michelle world.  hope everyone else is doing well - the weather is beautiful and life is good!