spring and new beginnings

hehehe, whenever i eat chinese food, i always look forward to the fortune cookie. not only because they're tasty, but because i have a small part of me that believes the fortune and most especially, because i like to laugh when adding "in my pants" to the end of it. as i just wrote that title to my blog post, i had the overwhelming desire to add "in my pants" - but that's just not true... totally.
which brings me to my next paragraph (obviously). there ARE actually somewhat of some new beginnings in my pants! nothing raunchy, fear not. more of a hopeful lessening effect. i have embarked upon a couple of new adventures. first, i am taking fat burner pills. $50 per bottle fat burner pills. $50. $50. yea. so me and my $50 fat burner pills have become friends. i'm going on 18 days now and feeling good about the situation. i am using them faithfully (because i'm desperate and because i want to get my money's worth) and also taking a daily multi-vitamin, drinking water like it's going out of style, and opting to eat 5 small meals a day every 3 hours instead of this "diet" as some call it. i'm very happy with my efforts. and while the scale is just barely beginning to change numbers, i am very optimistic. the second part of my two-fold body makeover plan is something the french like to call a certain "exercise". this has never been a strong suit of mine, mainly because i'm lazy. but frankly, now i have gone beyond lazy and moved into the realm of "pissed off". TWICE last week alone i was asked if i am pregnant. this is especially offensive, considering that i havent had sex in almost 2 months. i went out to dinner saturday and actually had to eat, then walk around walmart with my button on my jeans undone because i could not stand the pain caused by wearing my clothing properly. i ask you: what the hell?! pissed. off.
so it's officially "on". eating healthy is easy. when i don't eat much throughout the day, i don't want what i DO eat to be crap. drinking water is easy because those pills make me incredibly thirsty. and sleeping 8ish hours of sleep is easy because i dont have a whole lot else happening late at night so i might as well sleep! so if i can just keep up with the exercise, which i am determined to do because i'm excited to see how well i can make these pills work for me, then it should be good!

regarding my emotional state in my last post: the last few days have been good. i will still be speaking to my doctor about the situation tomorrow when i go for another probing of my downstairs to check for death spots, but i think for now at least i'm doing fine. i did opt to share my struggles with charles and he responded as i knew he would. but at least he knows and is, as always, supportive and trying his very best to take care of me, as i am him. i'm so grateful to finally be at a place in my marraige that my absolute #1 priority is to take care of my husband. i dont know what took me so long to get here. probably selfishness. but although my world is a big crazy and muddled at times right now, my marriage is amazing. and i'm happy.

in a funk

it has become increasingly obvious to me how incredibly detached i am from everyone else. maybe it's due, in part, to the fact that i live and work on a military base and am always surrounded with people like me. but i find myself not really having much of a connection with people "outside", and equally not caring about it. if anything, it's frustrating when people "outside" do try and have a connection with me because all i can think of is that they dont really have any clue what it's like on my side of the fence. that's not to say that i only care about myself or that i'm being incredibly selfish in any way - it's just that i AM one thing, and anyone who is not in my situation IS another thing entirely. i could definetly attempt to explain why i am different and why i am struggling with my situation, but no matter how well i explain it, you won't really understand unless you're in it. so i dont really care to have deep discussions about my feelings because it won't change anything. that's not to say that the situation is entirely bad - there are a very few good points, such as a growing bond between my husband and i, but at some times, the bad outweighs the good - such as the fact that no matter how strong that bond is, charles is still not here for another 5 months and i only get to talk to him once or twice a week. even if i talked to him once or twice a day, at this point it would never be enough.
so although i'm sure that if you're reading this, you love and support me - and i DO very much appreciate it. but also know that if you're reading this, chances are good that you know me pretty well and you can be assured that i dont want to talk about it. pray for me, pray for charles, and pray that the next year goes quickly.

a stressful time

well, all the MAJOR work stresses (dept. of the army and company CEO visit all next week + many many extra marketing duties for me) aside, yesterday charles' grandpa passed away. this was, by no means totally unexpected. but still extremely difficult for charles right now. luckily, yesterday he somewhat kind of almost had part of a day off and i was able to talk to him in the afternoon and again in the evening. i got a call from his cousin, then his mom telling me that his grandpa had passed away that afternoon. then i had the horrible task of telling my husband the news. he said some things that made my heart break for him. i have never felt so helpless as i have the last 24 hours. he ran and got a phone card after i told him online (of all ways) and while he talked to his mom, i went round and round with the Red Cross to get a message to him through his chain of command. naturally, he could very well just go up to his command and tell them that he needed to get home for a funeral, but until they hear it from the red cross, they wouldnt believe him. so i now have a new and deep appreciation for what the red cross does. everyone i talked to through the night was just wonderful. i called and opened a case with them, needed to get the name of the nursing home he passed away at so that they could verify, and had to call back. then after i had gone to bed, i got a call at 11 and they were not having much luck getting answers and had me confirm that they were looking for the right name. so they went to it again, and i got another call at 3am to hear that whoever was assigned to my case had been calling every single nursing home in the wichita area hoping to find the one with answers. they had no luck. i am very appreciative of their efforts, but pissed off that no one would give them answers. so i got up at 5:30 and called the nursing home because i knew very well that he had been there. they lady let it slip that she knew of him but wouldnt tell me anything and refused to confirm to red cross. so red cross had to wait till 8 and talk to a manager to get the info. it was frustrating because i was requesting the message to charles' command to "notify and request his presence". time is of the essence when you could potentially be planning a trip from deployment in a few hours. so anyway, the red cross got everything checked out and had a message sent to his command within 20 minutes. i am so happy that they did their job so well. i heard from charles at 10:30ish this morning, he had been given his message and they were possibly going to let him come home. so my day was spent trying desperately to comfort my husband, who is 100% miserable and surrounded by the darkest most evil and depressing environment and also totally alone; trying to get in touch with his mother to find out when the funeral is in case i am buying plane tickets, worrying about how we'll pay for the tickets, and knowing that charles is 50x more worried about paying for plane tickets than i am, and just generally being up in the air about everything. finally got everything somewhat situated and got enough done at work (also finding out that the funeral is monday so i dont have to miss work tomorrow and can finish my stuff), then tonight he told me taht he is not coming. a decision of his own accord.
i am totally ok with his decision. i did not want him here for my own selfish reasons at all (one of many breakthroughs in my personal development as a wife that is happening with deployment). i just worry about him accepting his decision and how he will deal with the grief alone over there. but i support his choice and will obviously be going to the funeral in his place.
so please anyone who reads this, pray for charles' family and especially lots of prayers for him right now. he has at least 7 more days of 18 hour work days before he might get one day off. and he's dealing with this almost as alone as you can be.