just a couple more days!

so my induction is most likely going to happen on Wednesday after the diabetes dr sees that my numbers are still high, despite the continued increase in dosage of the medication. if, by some miracle, he decides not to do it then, I am on the books for Friday with my dr. either way, I plan to stop working Wednesday. although, I've been having contractions all morning, so I might not even make it that far - which is perfectly fine with me. as of the growth sonogram Tuesday, he was estimated to be 6 lbs 15 oz. take that with a grain of salt, obviously, but the point is that he's clearly not a delicate flower of a little boy and my business already hurts at the thought of it. I am nervous for labor but excited for the result. I give myself pep talks about how short it is likely to be this time around whenever they're needed. my goal is again to go without drugs, although I suspect that I will feel much more of it this time just because I have already been feeling it for the last couple of months. I'm not at all opposed to medication, but if it really is just a few hours, I think I can handle that. besides, once you get to the pushing stage, it doesn't hurt anyway. at least it didn't for me. felt quite glorious actually. the week or so after was by far more painful from swollen/stitched areas down below.
so other than all that usual stuff, things are pretty ok at my house. Cameron is still a bit of a turkey but he's doing ok. I've said before that the only way I can get him pinned down for some snuggles is if I put some youtube videos on my phone. this is a current favorite. he refers to it as the "doo doo doo". you will see why if you watch it. he rocks out hard core and last night, for the first time, he sang it almost entirely the way through, singing multiple parts with admirable accuracy for a 2 1/2 yr old. it was hilarious! he also enjoys the muppet's version of bohemian rhapsody, another good one, especially now that he's caught on to proper head-banging protocol. and he remains a pretty devout fan of pharrell Williams. Get Lucky is a definite hit, in fact the end of it came on the radio when I flipped stations on the way to school earlier this week, which promptly led to a massive meltdown because he wanted to hear it and we had just caught the end. Happy, of course, is another pharrell staple in frequent rotation. I absolutely LOVE that I am able to expose him to so many different kinds of music in many different ways. it's no secret that music has always been important to me, and Charles is the same, with an even more varied taste. so we just have a blast exposing him to all sorts of stuff. for obvious reasons, we've been watching a lot of movies lately and I think he's now gone 5 days straight of watching the lion king. while eating dinner last night he randomly busted out some African tribal chants and we about peed our pants.
Charles is doing well. he only has to make a couple of floating shelves for above the bar and the man cave will be finished. he hopes to get to that this weekend in addition to cleaning out/organizing the shed. but he has been able to actually (finally) use his man cave space recently and it makes me very happy! it's a great space, he likes the way it looks, and he has a place he can go to blow off some steam.
I'm very much looking forward to exercising again. it's incredibly frustrating that the lower half of my body is not functioning and I'm infinitely thankful that this is such a temporary condition. in addition to the nerve issue in my back/butt, my right leg is painfully tight and now my left knee has decided it doesn't want to work either. probably has a lot to do with the 40 extra pounds I'm lugging, so I'm eagerly anticipating a lot of good stretching and some long walks to start out. strength training and jogging will follow, with the goal to be a lot of 5ks next summer, a half marathon next October in downtown kc, and the Disney world princess half in feb of 16. it tough mudder comes back or warrior dash, i'll hit those too. I definitely want to do a tough mudder. but that will take a lot more training than just a run. either way, I'm excited to hit it pretty hard once I'm able. a favorite quote/mantra of mine is something to the effect of: if you can't stop thinking about it, make it happen. being incredibly fit is this for me. and so although I'm scared and I know it will be very hard to find the time and energy, I will do it.
so in the mean time, I'm still working "working" and getting as much done as I can to set them up for success for the next 6 weeks without me during an incredibly busy time of year. I know I will come back in October to some hellatious piles of 'job security', but that's ok. mom has been here for another 3 weeks and this weekend dad is coming also. he got permission from my grandparents to stay until luke is born, so we are all happy that he will be here for that. charles' mom will come up too, which will be very good. then Charles will get his 10 days off and after that I will try my hand at transporting 2 kids by myself. should be interesting.

still ungracefully pregnant

to those of you with multiple kids, seriously - how in the eff do you do it?! I like to think that, in ordinary circumstances, I'm pretty good at letting things roll off my back. but this pregnancy has turned me into what I feel to be the worst version of myself! I don't care how many people attempt to reassure me with talk of "you're a million years pregnant and entitled to be whiney and uncomfortable", it does not make me feel any better for snapping at my son, husband and mother, all of whom are doing their very best to provide for me and take care of things I am unable to do. I guess the only thing I can do is continue to work hard at keeping my mouth shut and send myself to my room with a book and a large glass of water every time I get twitchy. needless to say, I've been sent to my room almost as often as the 2 yr old these last couple of weeks.
the pregnancy itself is going well now, for the most part. in theory, I have another 4-5 weeks to go, but I strongly disagree with my doctor who laughs at me every week when I go in for an appointment. this pregnancy has been 95% uncharted waters for me, I've been having contractions and dilating for the last 2 months, so by now, my body is pretty worn out and NOTHING feels "normal". (although I know "normal" is relative.) with Cameron, I legitimately didn't feel a single contraction of any kind until the last 45 minutes of pregnancy. no lie. so I pretty much spend every waking moment in freak out mode because things are happening that I'm not used to. it doesn't help that we live an hour from the hospital (which is in south KC) and know that this labor will go QUICKLY. we actually went to the hospital last Thursday morning for a few hours but were sent back home due to lack of progress. I then proceeded to spend the rest of the day in pain laying down as they had to get two different people to check me multiple times to determine that there had been no cervical change. awesome. But as of then, at least, I was 65% effaced and dilated to 3. I have an appointment today and haven't decided if I want to get checked again or not.
the gestational diabetes is pretty much a disaster this time around. they put me on medication and then doubled it, and I still can't keep my numbers down no matter what I eat. I'm not so much worried about that so much as just completely have zero tolerance for the ass-chewing that I have to drive an hour to receive each week from the perinatalogist. I am not a fan of time-wasting experiences and this definitely qualifies as one in my books.
so yea, boo hoo and crap.
let me try to balance this out with some positivity:
Cameron has been nice-ish the last couple of days. at morning drop off, I stay in the car so mom can wrestle him into his classroom and she has been lifting him up to give me hugs and kisses before he takes off down the sidewalk. it's really sweet, but not as sweet as the fact that he then takes the rest of the sidewalk in about 7 minutes because he has to stop every few feet to turn around and wave enthusiastically at me and blow me kisses. for this super grumpy mama, this is the best balm in the world and undoubtedly saves the lives of anyone I encounter throughout the workday.
Charles continues to be amazing and supportive and more patient with me than I thought possible. we are both very much ready to have the "good michelle" back, but in the mean time, he is doing wonderful things to take care of me and communicate and make sure that our time at home is as peaceful and easy as it could be with a hugely pregnant miserable woman in pain.
mom is here, and she is amazing. I'm sure I don't need to tell any of you how awesome she is, but she is.

on another note, please say some prayers for my dad. he's having a tough time dealing with the constant care of his parents and the only thing I can come up with to help him out is just to say some prayers. so if you could spare a few for him also, I'd appreciate it.

mid-july journal

well here I sit at work on my beloved heating pad with the bosses heading out of town for the rest of the week. as the prospect of 20 hrs of work week left sitting by myself in a quiet half of the building looms ahead of me, I figured I'd start off the morning with a bit of a blog just to feel productive.

Outside my window:
that man with his damn hedge trimmers is at it again, hacking away at he evergreens just outside my office. but that will end soon enough and then I will listen to my little birdy friends again and wish that I could move my desk outside in this beautiful 70 degree weather! I tell ya, my large and pregnant self is extremely grateful for the reprieve from the typical july weather. not that I spent a lot of time outdoors, but it makes the walk in and out of work to/from the car quite lovely.

What I'm wearing:
most of my larger maternity wear from last time was winter-appropriate, so I snagged a pair of shorts and some khaki capris at the consignment sale in the spring. I can't wear jean shorts to work, so most days I wear the capris to work with a nice-ish tshirt. some days I wear a shorter dress with black stretchy maternity capri leggings. (yes Elizabeth, not only do I wear capris, but they are capri LEGGINGS.) :) I find it uncomfortable to just wear a dress without some sort of barrier to muffle the thunder thighs. baby powder is my friend. so anyway... today - capris with a lovely white and blue stripped tshirt and the same black sandals I've worn every day for the last 8 months. rock on.

Toddler:
Cameron smameron is doing very well! after mom being here for over a month, he has managed to adjust to her and the situation in the house which renders me unavailable for the most part. his fits have greatly subsided. it only took a few times of tossing him into his room to cure the majority of the meltdowns, now we just have to ask him if he needs to go to his room until he can be a nice boy - he will say no and stop crying immediately. who knew!? he is getting so tall! today I decided to give it a shot with him eating at the table instead of his high chair and he did well. the last time I tried it, his face was almost level with the table top, but it worked just fine for breakfast. we will tentatively continue with that. he can scale the dining room chairs fairly easily on his own so that will eliminate the need for me to pick him up and put him in his high chair. really, I think the only difficult part will be that we don't always eat at the same time. but this is the last week of my 10 hr days, so it will be much easier to get home and get a meal together at a normal time now.
we are working on the Great Room Shuffle. hopefully this week or weekend we will get out to purchase a twin bed for Cameron and then be able to move the crib over to Luke's room. the plan is still to decorate Cameron's room with curious George, but it will be a while until a trip to joann's can happen - probably while I'm on maternity leave (and after I win the lottery). mom spent yesterday digging out the baby clothes and washing them now that the nursery is empty of charles' stuff. it was incredibly surreal to see those tiny little clothes and shoes again. but it is such a HUGE relief to have it out and moving again and know that we are heading in the direction of being ready for his arrival.

In the Kitchen:
Mom the Amazing has been handling all the cooking/cleaning/shopping. this week we had leftover spaghetti, meatloaf, roast, shephard's pie last night, and probably leftovers again tonight. Friday we have invited some dear friends over who we will ask to be godparents for Luke in addition to charles' sister, to cover the Catholic bases. I (or mom) will make that peach and Dijon pork tenderloin again with roasted sweet potatoes and brussel's sprouts.
I have also been eating an obscene amount of cookies and ice cream. luke REALLY likes ice cream. I have Dursley chins. it's gross. but it will pass.

Crafting:
good one! how bout "if my body could support a trip to the store and I could afford it, what would I be crafting": then joann's would be void of curious George fabric for curtains and such for Cameron; I would also buy grey and sky blue pattern fabric with puppies to decorate luke's room (curtains, crib skirt, baby quilt, possibly a cushion for the rocking chair) and white frames with which I would make "nursery art" out of fabric remnants or scrapbook paper. the road between wants and needs is a bitter one to tread these days. it's hard to surrender my vision of "perfection", or even "completion".

Reading:
harry potter. again. don't ask me how many times I've read it, I've lost count. it's a great distraction and helps to pass the time I must spend on the couch. I'm currently on book 4.

Bringing me joy:
seeing how Charles and Cameron's relationship has grown this last month or so. we've hit such a great family rhythm, I guess all it took was for me to just get out of the way and give Charles the chance to really dig in. but it's pretty awesome to see!
Cameron's favorite thing: being superman! he and Charles got matching capes for his birthday and almost every day he will ask to put it on and run up and down the hallway going "ready, set GO!". best. thing. ever.

Thinking about:
how in the world I will function when mom goes home. as of now, we're planning on her leaving in a week and a half or so, at which time my back will theoretically be well enough for me to get around and "chase Cameron" as needed. I don't know. functioning is my current fear and I'm just focusing on that because if I think about all the things that will be scary once I'm actually done being pregnant, functioning would go out the window.
but obviously taht's not smart, so I save a good portion of my worry for finances too. just to be good and stressed prepared.

Pictures:
yea, still haven't taken or uploaded any of the pictures from my camera or phone. and as this is the last week of 10 hr shifts/Fridays "off", it's not gonna happen. so instead, here are some pictures taken from charles' facebook:

the basement floor is finally done! Charles has worked on it for several weeks and I am thrilled to say that he is pleased with the results. it was touch and go for a while but now that he sees the finished product he is happy. I love it too. we were quoted at about $2000 for someone to do it for us but he got it done for just under $500. remaining basement tasks: installing the bar counter/cabinet/shelves, tiling around the fireplace and decorating. although Charles does not like my vision of the bar and desparately wants to add another counter in front of the wall unit for people to sit at. this is our current wish/project. he just wants it all finished, but the spirit is willing and the account is weak. it is an understandable source of frustration that after all his hard work he still doesn't have a usable man cave space. but we are both doing our best not to be super pouty about the situation and focus on what needs to happen in order to prepare for luke. being a grown up blows.

this is what happens when I leave Charles with Cameron on a Saturday morning. spiked hair and biker tattoos. those two are thick as thieves! :)

aaaand now let's all take a moment to celebrate that I finally figured out why the damn blogger wasn't starting a new line of type when I push Enter.
The End.

bloody sheets, smelly diapers, and snuggles

that's how my morning started, and it was GREAT! Cameron had a bloody nose in the night. I suspect he was picking his nose in his sleep, it happens. and although he ate half a piece of cheese and 4 bites of peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner, aaaand a cup of milk, I think the milk for breakfast, 2nd breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner along with the pineapple and oranges at school probably did him in. but that's all gross stuff. the snuggles are the best. in my current state, I don't really get Cameron huggies unless I fight for them. I'm pretty much assured to get one when we tuck him in but that's about it unless he's feeling especially generous. when we get home in the evenings I am complete toast, so I go straight for the couch and then, although I don't like him to watch videos during the week since our time is already so short, I usually try to convince him to sit with me for a few minutes to watch a video just so that I can have a chance to touch him. most of the time it works but usually comes with the price of him accidentally sitting on his brother or digging his elbow into my guts. but i'll take it. so this morning he was up about 20 minutes early, with said diaper poopsplosion, and I had some time to go in and sit with him and read him a book and snuggle. it was heavenly. I hate hate hate being so dependent on everyone but even more so, I hate missing out on time with him because I can't function properly. but it is what it is. tomorrow will be a big day, as will the weekend. I have physical therapy at 8, dentist at 9:10, chiropractor at 10:30, hopefully a nap to rest up, then my OB apt at 2:30. 30 weeks has been the "goal" to re-evaluate everything and see if they can ease up on the bed rest stuff and precautions. this week has been TERRIBLE. no lie, Tuesday I made 5 trips to the copy machine and was having noticeable contractions for the rest of the day. yesterday my hips were killing me, contractions were continuing and there is pressure on my cervix. needless to say, I'm freaking out quite a lot. so I have been planning for them to check me again tomorrow, and I still will have them do so. I will be very much surprised if I'm not sufficiently progressed from what I was 4 weeks ago. as of now, my plan is to re-take my damn 3 hr glucose test Saturday morning, then head to the hospital from there for my first of 2 more steroid injections. they will put me on the monitor for 20 minutes, give me the shot, then send me home. (theoretically) and I will go back sunday afternoon for another round. but after this week, I really don't know what to expect. one of my bosses just came in and said that she suddenly has a "feeling" that I'm having a baby today or tomorrow. yea. so that's helpful. don't get me wrong, I would be THRILLED to be done with this as soon as possible, but it's not the best thing for mr. lucas. and my boys are the reasons I was put on this earth in the first place, so if I can't be the best mother I can be, then why bother! so we'll see what happens. I have no doubt that we will both have the absolute best medical care and plenty of family and friends to help us out as much as we need regardless of what happens. so really, there isn't much more to worry about (other than the practical things like, money and food and having a nursery set up in which to put said newborn). oi.

butt cheek

an update from north east kansas: i am still pregnant. i will be 29 weeks on thursday and the doctor wants me to continue weekly OB appointments through 30 weeks, at which point we will re-evaluate. also at 30 weeks, i will have another round of 2 steroid shots (out patient this time instead of 3 days in the hospital, hopefully) and will have to re-take my 3 hr glucose test (suprise!) because i was too close to failing. i've pretty much been having celebratory ice cream and candy ever since they told me that i had passed it the last time, so i am worried that i'll bomb it on the 2nd try, but i was also in a pretty extreme amount of pain the last time, which can drive up your blood sugar as well. so who knows. speaking of the pain, i have now had 3 visits with the chiropractor and today went to my first PT appointment. although skeptical, especially since i pay $30 for about 5 minutes worth of interaction, the chiropractor has been helping. some. it also helps that i am off my feet as much as possible. but i think the PT might provide more relief. they gave me lots of stretches to do that all felt good, and also a soft tissue massage. as weird as it was to have some chick massage my butt cheek for 10 mintues with a stress ball, it felt pretty darn amazing. fingers crossed that i can talk charles into such regular treatments. although my money is on the fact that he probably won't be inclined to spend that amount of time in such close proximity to my butt. but here's hoping! i will be going to PT weekly until these darn 10 hr work days end (2 more weeks!) and then will up it to probably twice weekly after work. as far as pregnancy stuff, i have had no more bleeding (horay for "vaginal rest" *grumble grumble*) or sonograms of any kind, but the braxton hicks are definitely present. i did not feel them last time but they have been noticably increasing in intensity, even with the "bed rest", which makes me nervous. but the doctors maintain that as long as i am not having any red bleeding or contractions that require me to breathe to get through them, i should not worry. yea right. i've also had some weird funky shooting nerve things in my belly area that cause alarm to me and not my doctors. i'm just taking it very easy and hoping for the best at this point. luke is growing fast and hanging LOW. the dr. offered to check me again for dialation last week but i declined as i was making a weekend road trip and didn't want to kick up any action before that. but if they don't insist on doing it this week, i will probably ask for it at 30 weeks while they're tinkering with everything else. it will either speed stuff up majorly or put my mind at ease that all of my taking it easy will be for a good cause. my mom is still here and has been a tremendous help! she gets cameron up and ready in the morning and wrestles him into the car, then drops me off at work and spends the day cleaning/cooking/shopping/working on the house and then picks him then me up in the evening and wrestles him around till bedtime. seriously. amazing. she will stay till at least 30 weeks, barring any unforseen complications or if my back is not healed enough to allow me to take care of cameron. i'm still on a 10 lb lift limit and bed rest, so 30 weeks really is the big deciding point for a lot of things. that's it on the pregnancy update. charles has been doing fantastic things in the basement and theoretically i will get some pictures downloaded/taken of that. it'd be a good post that doesn't relate to parts of my body that the general public probably doesn't want to know about. :)

a "relaxing" weekend

so in continuing with the theme of "interesting suprises" to take place in 2014, lucas and i had ourselves a little mini vacay this weekend at the hospital. my back issues are originally what caused me to make an extra OB appointment thursday afternoon, but by the time i made it to the office i was cramping. consequently they put me on the monitor to check for contractions, discovered that my cervix was softened and dialating (1.5 but apparently only on the outside) and did a cervical sonogram to see that in 6 days i had gone from 4.2 to 3.4. i was sent home with a perscription to stop the cramping and scheduled to come back the next day for another sonogram "if i still felt crampy". since i would be near the office the next day for my glucose screening, i had already decided to take advantage of the sonogram regardless. it's a good thing! while waiting for the 3 hr glucose stuff to pass, i resumed cramping and started to spot. panic mode ensued and i made a bee line to the sonographer as soon as the test was done. my cervix was found to only be at 3.8 instead of 3.2 and they did not do another check internally and instead just sent me straight to the hospital for "24 hrs of monitoring and a round of steroid shots". willing myself to keep calm, i called my mom to head my way immediately and charles did the same with his mom. let me just say here how amazing my husband is. i have NEVER seen him like that. he was clearly terrified and although his nerves do not show as much as they did friday, his attention and focus has not waivered one bit. he has stepped up in ways that i knew he could but had not yet seen to this degree and it just makes me glow with pride! he was by my side as soon as he could be on friday and then went to get cameron from school and meet up with a dear friend of ours who watched him that evening so that husband and moms could be with me. i spent the next 3 days periodically being strapped up to monitor baby and contractions, which thankfully did not seem to be happening. i had a perinatologist do a sonogram and all was declared good with baby. at 26 weeks 2 days he measured approximately 2.3 lbs (64th%) which is a huge comfort. it also makes me think that, despite the doctors saying that i should have no trouble going full term now, he will come early because he's going to be ready to rock and roll sooner. his heart is good, spine is good and i have plenty of fluids and placenta in tact and finally moved up far enough from the cervix. i did have cramping on and off throughout the weekend and they would just monitor me again, but no more bleeding. i was also able to spend the weekend on a great heating pad for my back and legs and was given some pain meds for it while there. i am still quite stiff but considerably more functional than i was friday. and i'm currently at my desk, sitting on the heating pad. don't judge. it was deterimined that i might have had a UTI. i am dubious, but just thankful that it wasn't a worse situation. i will still be going back in 4 weeks for a second round of steroids just in case he gets more persistant about an early arrival. and i am on "moderate bed rest", which means that i can't lift more than 10 lbs, can go to work and sit on my butt for 10 hrs and then straight home to the couch otherwise. this is difficult for me, but mom will remain as long as needed and charles is ever-vigilant. i have another OB appt this friday so i look forward to more updates if there are any to be had. as of now, the plan is that i will continue to take it this easy at LEAST till we get past 28 weeks and then see how it's going. i don't want to keep mom here for the next 10 weeks only to need her help again after lucas arrives, so we're just playing it safe and will then adjust as needed. so a potentially terrifying situation actually turned out not so bad, we were EXTREMELY lucky. we had the absolute best care available both in and out of the hospital, thanks to our friends and family. it is pretty amazing. i am definitely excited to meet this little guy - clearly he has great purpose in our lives judging by the changes he has made to our family just in the last 26 weeks alone. horay for being a part of a beautiful miracle!!!!

"the best day of your life"

i read something recently that has been on my mind lately. and since work has slowed down a bit (and i don't have time to blog from home) i figured i would share it here. i think it was a little meme on jillian michaels' page to the effect of "anyone who says that their wedding day was the happiest day of their life has clearly never had two candybars fall out of a vending machine when you only paid for one". this got me thinking about a couple of things. first - of all the days i've had, i would not choose my wedding day as the happiest. it was great and beautiful and all things lovely, but, due to the nature of my personality, it was also crazy and busy and slightly stressful to try to please everyone and incredibly tiring. also, in hind sight, i had absolutely NO idea what i was getting in to and i did not know my husband nearly as well as i thought i did. so wedding day - yea, it was great. but it was just one day and has no more to do with my marriage than the capital letter does to the beginning of the first sentence of War and Peace. second thought regarding the quote: what is the happiest day of my life? this is what i have been pondering, because i honestly have no idea. is it sad that i can't think of one day that has stood out among others? just one? 24 hours is a long time to be straight up extatic, in my opinion. i have moments. and all the moments that come to mind are happy and beautiful because they are also punctuated with the feeling that i had learned from or overcome something to get through them. like the first really super huge fight charles and i had, the evening that i came back to our apartment having been through hell and made up my mind to keep trying anyway even when i knew it would be the hardest thing i'd ever done. or when cameron was born and i did not immediately love him, not because i didn't love him, but because i had no idea what to do but i also knew in my heart that i had the rest of my life to figure it out and make the very most of the most wonderful gift i had ever been given straight from God. or when i got on a plane filled with people i had never met in my life heading for 6 weeks in mexico to study a language that i could barely speak, just because i wanted to see if i could do it. there are a lot of feelings that stick out in my mind as being "defining" in my life, but i guess i am of the opinion that none are "the best" because i choose to live as though the best is always yet to come. what makes life worth living if you accept that you've already reached the peak of the mountain? there are a ton of things that i still want to do! finishing a half marathon would probably be a pretty close "best day ever" for me, but there are hundreds of "moments" that have to pass and be overcome before i can cross that finish line that will make it so. figuring out how to raise 2 kids will be another good one, but that will also be made up of millions of moments that afford me the chance to grown and change. spending the rest of my life with charles is another challenge that will be amazing, but will be achieved in a quiet passing of moments hopefully after many many years. so what are your thoughts? is it easy for you come up with "the best day of your life"? our lives are such a beautiful gift, how could we ever just choose one day? but go ahead, give it your best shot! :)