the new normal

well I'm pleased to say that I finally feel like I'm adjusting to our new normal with 2 kids. I feel a little bad since pretty much all of the faithful readers that I know of have more than 2 kids and, granted, I only see your facebook "highlight reels", it still looks like you handle things really well and I have decidedly not been. but I tell myself often that comparisons to what I think I know about anyone vs. their actual reality does neither party credit. it's best to just keep my nose in my own crazy business and choose to believe that everyone else is dealing with their own craziness too. and so with tremendous support from my amazing husband, some good time spent at the gym, and an increase in prayer time - I am on my feet as a mother of 2 and loving it!
for the sake of guiding my thoughts:
Outside my window:
it's rainy and dreary and looks to be cold. the leaves are pretty much all off the trees and everything is that murky brown color. I don't mind though, I like cold weather. and it's not been so cold lately to make the trip from the car to the daycare/work unbearable. I hear it's supposed to be up to 60 this weekend though!
What I'm wearing:
well, I'm still in that awesome post-pregnancy stage when nothing really fits. I have 1 pair of work kakhi pants that are at least a size or two too big, and 2 pair of leggings with a couple of sweater dresses that I feel to be mostly work-appropriate. so I do a lot of pulling up of the pants or pulling down of the dress. as tall as I am, it's very difficult to find long enough sweater dresses! and lord knows I will NOT be buying any clothes for myself for a while. at some point, I hope to go digging in the basement storage again for some smaller pants in hopes that I might be able to fit into something else. those darn kahkis are so loose that they've almost fallen off while chasing Cameron into or out of the CDC (also carrying the car seat, etc.). it's a great picture, I tell you. so anyway, yes. I'm wearing the black leggings today with black boots and a gold sweater dress that I forgot I had until I noticed it on my closet floor last night while I was looking for something to wear today. go me.
Toddler:

oh that boy! he is just amazing. his language has really taken off lately and he says the best stuff! he's still obsessed with frozen. no joke - he will run around the house for a solid 30 minutes recreating scenes from the movie complete with hand gestures, facial expressions, songs (sung mostly in key!) and with perfect recitation of multiple character's lines. and we DON'T watch it every week anymore either. he will even request to wear daddy's superman cape because it's obviously much longer than his and it makes him feel like elsa, so he'll run down the hall into each of the rooms, dramatically toss the cape out behind him and go "Are you ready?!" the stomp his foot to the ground to "make the ice appear". if it wasn't so funny it would be a little creepy how well he does it. he also does similar recreations with scenes from Finding Nemo and WallE. We got him a stuffed WallE for Christmas and he will be SO excited! Charles has been talking to him about his dreams before bed and he often reports them to have been "WallE dreams" and will tell us about what he's done with WallE and Eve-a, usually involving trucks or sandwiches. he also got an elf on a shelf yesterday from grandma ronda. I have mixed feelings. he doesn't really have any concept of who santa is and that is 100% ok with me. up until now I've been just trying to get him to understand that Christmas is Jesus' birthday and since he loves us so much we get presents. not sure how else to explain it to him and I would welcome suggestions! but now we're introducing the santa thing. he was a bit freaked out this morning when the elf had moved. I read him the book last night but don't know that he retained much. but regardless, we're giving it a shot. "shark bait" the elf is trucking along. potty training is still not happening but I'm hoping to give it a concentrated effort over Christmas break since we'll have a good long stretch of time together to try it.
Baby:

3 months old already! he is an exceptionally sweet little boy. his smiles started around thanksgiving and he just loves to take everything in and get snuggles. he's even more snuggly than Cameron was and I think he will be maybe less independent and more clingy - he will be the baby. I am ok with that. I quit pumping at about 2 months and, except for the ridiculous cost of formula, I do not regret my decision one bit. I chose to give him the same formula used in daycare because they will provide it while he's there; but sadly the version I use at home is powdered (cheaper) and they use liquid pre-mixed at the center. even though the doctor says they are the same, they are decidedly NOT. the liquid kind does not sit well on his stomach and I've now had to start sending bottles from home of our formula. we recently joined sams, so we save some, but it's still about $20/week. ouch. he's had a couple of sicknesses lately from daycare but thankfully nothing too major. he caught on to the beginning of that terrible stomach bug going around but it wasn't nearly as severe as others have had it, and this week he had a mysterious rash that is now pretty much gone. he and big brother are getting along well still, and he is sleeping much better through the night. I feed him around 8:30 and he is up again at around 3. so definitely not too bad! plus, if he happens to wake up before 2, Charles will get up and take that feeding. score!
In the kitchen:
last night I tried a pot pie sort of thing with leftover turkey and some ham and swiss cheese. it was not nearly as good as I had hoped, needed more liquid. overall, I've been trying to eat a lot better (want to be able to wear jeans by Christmas instead of just my sweats!), so there's been some shrimp things and some quinoa lately. I bought a bunch of meat at sams a couple weeks back and made use of my food saver, so that's been good. I will go again this weekend so we'll have some more options. it's been a crazy week with sick kids and sick mom and life in general, so yesterday was the only night I cooked and it wasn't even all that good. don't know what tonight will bring.
crafting:
I need to make the salt dough ornaments/gifts, my goal is to do that this weekend so that I can be painting on them.
reading:
yea... no.
bringing me joy:
my boys, all 3 of them are amazing. my heart sings when we're all together! I've really been working on trying to go the extra mile with Charles. instead of getting frustrated that he's reluctant to get up and come to church with us, I made him some coffee for the car. and what do you know, he did awesome and I got to watch him snuggle on the boys during mass and even willingly stand up for a birthday month blessing (read: PARTICIPATE!). life is good.
also, Cameron LOVES Christmas lights! so far that seems to be the only thing about Christmas that has sunken in (other than singing happy birthday to jesus and getting cupcakes - good luck with that one kid...). we took him on post this last weekend to see the lights and he lost it. "CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!" it was amazing. I hope to take him to one of those drive through park displays or maybe the thing at botanica, I've never been, when we're back home.
what I'm thinking about:
money. it is and it isn't within my control and it's a huge source of stress. but that's life I guess. we're doing our best with what we have and it will get better.
not being so hard on myself.
pictures:
my boys, entertaining their mother with Mr. T impressions in the bath. they pity the foo...

because everybody loves a good birth story...

my goodness, is it almost November already?! sweet! at this moment, I am not at all upset that time has gone so quickly. I love fall here, and as far as I'm concerned, the faster time goes, the closer I get to the part when the baby will sleep for more than 3 hrs at a time, well, really 2 since it takes him an hour to eat. it took me a couple of weeks to catch up at work from my 5 weeks off, so now I'm back to a bit slower pace and thought I'd keep myself awake by blogging. be warned, I'm incredibly tired so there will be some serious rambling. but all three or four of my readers are well acquainted with the feeling, so I don't feel judged. :)

this handsome fella sure took his time to get here. I had hoped to be induced on Wednesday the 3rd after my final appointment with the diabetes dr, but alas, since you pretty much see a different person at every appointment - the dr who had told me the week before that it was likely was not the same one I saw that day. Charles was dealing with his allergies at the time, so we stopped off at a pharmacy after our appointment and he wisely bought me a candy bar to sooth my sorrows at being pushed off for another 2 days. but it was for the best, as my actual OB was able to deliver him on that Friday as opposed to another dr who works Wednesdays and is the man who once told me I was fat. no thanks, dr. owens. bite me. (told you there would be rambling) so anyway, I had decided to start my maternity leave that Wednesday regardless of whether or not they induced me, and my parents were already up and ready to greet their new grandson. so mom and I spent Thursday making cinnamon rolls for the nurses. consequently, we discovered about halfway through the process that my beloved sweet bread recipe is already doubled. so 4 large and 2 small pans of rolls later, that was done. Friday the 5th we arrived at the hospital at about 7:30, I was antsy to get the show on the road but nervous too - pretty much about everything. but once we got the show on the road I calmed down and just let it happen. they tested my blood sugar (never mind the huge cinnamon roll I had eaten that morning... to say that I was DONE with gestational diabetes is an understatement) and it was obviously high. so they were in the midst of a debate about whether or not to put me on insulin when they tested it again and it was back down to 90. diabetic coma: narrowly avoided. they started me on Pitocin at around 9 and the clock began to tick. I was dialted to 4 when I got there, so they were encouraged by my progress already. they upped the Pitocin every 30 minutes and around 11 or so the dr came in and estimated that I could be done by 1 or so. yea, sounded nice. :) so my parents and Charles' mom and the two of us sat. and sat. and sat. thankfully, my birth ninja skillz were not depleted after Cameron and I was totally fine until about 2 or so. when things began to get interesting (translation: I started to actually feel something), they brought in "The Peanut". The Peanut is similar to an exercise ball, but shaped like a peanut, and about 3 feet long and 2 feet around. I was asked to lay on my side, flipping every 30 minutes or so, with The Peanut between my legs to help open my hips and get him into position. this process was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and about 3 or so I requested that the parental units vacate the room so that I could focus on my breathing. it was at this point htat I became the harnesser of the chi. if I were able to focus that well at any other time, I'm pretty sure I could solve the problem of world hunger in about 15 minutes. it was pretty cool. yoga breaths ensued and by the time the contractions were back to back, I was in the zone. I really wish I could have had my temperature taken! I do not remember putting off that much heat with Cameron and I'd like to know how high it got. it did occur to me to ask but then another contraction came and I forgot about it. Charles was amazing and held my hand and smoothed my sweaty hair and kept a cool washcloth on me. I was SO eager to get the pushing started because I knew that it would make the pain go away, so kept saying "ok I think it's time!" only to have them check me (probably roll their eyes) and tell me to keep going. 'one more time', 'ok, just one more'... I'm pretty sure I said that to myself for a good hour at least. but finally, it was actually time. I gave about 3 good heaves and before I knew it, dr. suleman was telling me to open my eyes so I could see my slimy boy held up between my knees! as much as I'd like to say that something beautiful came out of my mouth this time, honestly it was "THANK GOD!", with the silent "that's over with!" at the end. 4:18pm
I tore pretty extensively, thankfully it didn't go through the muscle this time, just skin. so while I was being put back together and shaking like crazy, they handed me my boy. magic. I didn't realize that I had missed out on this time with Cameron until I had it with luke. all of a sudden, all those people who come out of the woodwork just before baby time had dissolved back into thin air and it was just the doctor and attending nurse who were stitching and one other person who was cleaning up. but they were quiet, I had a warm baby in warm blankets on my warm chest and we just were. other than the obligatory tests, he was not away from me for maybe 2 hrs. even Charles insisted that I take my time and bond with him. it was heavenly. the only minor setback was that his blood sugar was low. they gave me the option to try and nurse or supplement him with formula. since I knew nothing would be coming out of me yet and it was important that he get something in to avoid the NICU, we went with formula. within 12 hrs, his blood sugar was normal. but since they held us in the delivery room for a bit longer to watch him, we ended up eating dinner there too. my hospital has some bomb diggity food, so we had steak and grilled shrimp and veggies and a massive piece of chocolate cake. my parents had to leave to go get Cameron before the daycare closed, so they did not get to meet Lucas right away, but charles' mom stayed. we called her in to the room about 7 and my dad returned to the hospital about that time too. how sweet is it that he didn't want to wait till the next day to see the baby?! :) mom, who had put in so much time and effort to take care of me in the previous few months, stayed home with Cameron. talk about a selfless wonder woman! dad and ronda stayed for a little while in the postpartum room and then went home so that we could try to rest.

the next couple of days were pretty uneventful. milk production was very minimal and latching was again unsuccessful. the lactation consultants and nurses were great; but in the end, I decided to just pump like I did with Cameron. over the last 2 years I have become very well acquainted with my limitations. I don't fear them, I embrace the fact htat if I push myself beyond certain limits, I will not be a successfully contributing member of my family in any capacity. so if there is something that needs to happen or change in order for me to function as I feel that I should, then I will make any necessary sacrifices.
we went home sunday the 7th and all was well. they had asked us to check in with the pediatrician the next day to monitor billiruben levels. Cameron was a bit uncomfortable when his brother would cry, but it was more of a look of apprehension because he didn't know how to help than anything. that only lasted a few days. he is now absolutely 100% on board with the big brother gig and it makes my heart sing! I will expand on that some other time.
a couple of days after coming home, after getting bilirubin checks every day, I received a frantic call from the nurse practitioner. back to the hospital we went, for what we were told would be a few hours in the NICU. I was a hot mess, in many ways. Charles was still not feeling well and someone had to take care of Cameron, so my incredibly swollen feet and legs and i spent 2 days there by myself. luckily they were able to find a room for me on the same floor, so I could pump and then go in and see him and feed him every 3 hrs. after the first 36 hrs or so under the light, he was improved enough to room in with me. as stressful as the whole situation was, I definitely feel that it was beneficial for me to get so much uninterrupted time with him. but I was sure glad to get to go home.
more on the post-birth week stuff later...

just a couple more days!

so my induction is most likely going to happen on Wednesday after the diabetes dr sees that my numbers are still high, despite the continued increase in dosage of the medication. if, by some miracle, he decides not to do it then, I am on the books for Friday with my dr. either way, I plan to stop working Wednesday. although, I've been having contractions all morning, so I might not even make it that far - which is perfectly fine with me. as of the growth sonogram Tuesday, he was estimated to be 6 lbs 15 oz. take that with a grain of salt, obviously, but the point is that he's clearly not a delicate flower of a little boy and my business already hurts at the thought of it. I am nervous for labor but excited for the result. I give myself pep talks about how short it is likely to be this time around whenever they're needed. my goal is again to go without drugs, although I suspect that I will feel much more of it this time just because I have already been feeling it for the last couple of months. I'm not at all opposed to medication, but if it really is just a few hours, I think I can handle that. besides, once you get to the pushing stage, it doesn't hurt anyway. at least it didn't for me. felt quite glorious actually. the week or so after was by far more painful from swollen/stitched areas down below.
so other than all that usual stuff, things are pretty ok at my house. Cameron is still a bit of a turkey but he's doing ok. I've said before that the only way I can get him pinned down for some snuggles is if I put some youtube videos on my phone. this is a current favorite. he refers to it as the "doo doo doo". you will see why if you watch it. he rocks out hard core and last night, for the first time, he sang it almost entirely the way through, singing multiple parts with admirable accuracy for a 2 1/2 yr old. it was hilarious! he also enjoys the muppet's version of bohemian rhapsody, another good one, especially now that he's caught on to proper head-banging protocol. and he remains a pretty devout fan of pharrell Williams. Get Lucky is a definite hit, in fact the end of it came on the radio when I flipped stations on the way to school earlier this week, which promptly led to a massive meltdown because he wanted to hear it and we had just caught the end. Happy, of course, is another pharrell staple in frequent rotation. I absolutely LOVE that I am able to expose him to so many different kinds of music in many different ways. it's no secret that music has always been important to me, and Charles is the same, with an even more varied taste. so we just have a blast exposing him to all sorts of stuff. for obvious reasons, we've been watching a lot of movies lately and I think he's now gone 5 days straight of watching the lion king. while eating dinner last night he randomly busted out some African tribal chants and we about peed our pants.
Charles is doing well. he only has to make a couple of floating shelves for above the bar and the man cave will be finished. he hopes to get to that this weekend in addition to cleaning out/organizing the shed. but he has been able to actually (finally) use his man cave space recently and it makes me very happy! it's a great space, he likes the way it looks, and he has a place he can go to blow off some steam.
I'm very much looking forward to exercising again. it's incredibly frustrating that the lower half of my body is not functioning and I'm infinitely thankful that this is such a temporary condition. in addition to the nerve issue in my back/butt, my right leg is painfully tight and now my left knee has decided it doesn't want to work either. probably has a lot to do with the 40 extra pounds I'm lugging, so I'm eagerly anticipating a lot of good stretching and some long walks to start out. strength training and jogging will follow, with the goal to be a lot of 5ks next summer, a half marathon next October in downtown kc, and the Disney world princess half in feb of 16. it tough mudder comes back or warrior dash, i'll hit those too. I definitely want to do a tough mudder. but that will take a lot more training than just a run. either way, I'm excited to hit it pretty hard once I'm able. a favorite quote/mantra of mine is something to the effect of: if you can't stop thinking about it, make it happen. being incredibly fit is this for me. and so although I'm scared and I know it will be very hard to find the time and energy, I will do it.
so in the mean time, I'm still working "working" and getting as much done as I can to set them up for success for the next 6 weeks without me during an incredibly busy time of year. I know I will come back in October to some hellatious piles of 'job security', but that's ok. mom has been here for another 3 weeks and this weekend dad is coming also. he got permission from my grandparents to stay until luke is born, so we are all happy that he will be here for that. charles' mom will come up too, which will be very good. then Charles will get his 10 days off and after that I will try my hand at transporting 2 kids by myself. should be interesting.

still ungracefully pregnant

to those of you with multiple kids, seriously - how in the eff do you do it?! I like to think that, in ordinary circumstances, I'm pretty good at letting things roll off my back. but this pregnancy has turned me into what I feel to be the worst version of myself! I don't care how many people attempt to reassure me with talk of "you're a million years pregnant and entitled to be whiney and uncomfortable", it does not make me feel any better for snapping at my son, husband and mother, all of whom are doing their very best to provide for me and take care of things I am unable to do. I guess the only thing I can do is continue to work hard at keeping my mouth shut and send myself to my room with a book and a large glass of water every time I get twitchy. needless to say, I've been sent to my room almost as often as the 2 yr old these last couple of weeks.
the pregnancy itself is going well now, for the most part. in theory, I have another 4-5 weeks to go, but I strongly disagree with my doctor who laughs at me every week when I go in for an appointment. this pregnancy has been 95% uncharted waters for me, I've been having contractions and dilating for the last 2 months, so by now, my body is pretty worn out and NOTHING feels "normal". (although I know "normal" is relative.) with Cameron, I legitimately didn't feel a single contraction of any kind until the last 45 minutes of pregnancy. no lie. so I pretty much spend every waking moment in freak out mode because things are happening that I'm not used to. it doesn't help that we live an hour from the hospital (which is in south KC) and know that this labor will go QUICKLY. we actually went to the hospital last Thursday morning for a few hours but were sent back home due to lack of progress. I then proceeded to spend the rest of the day in pain laying down as they had to get two different people to check me multiple times to determine that there had been no cervical change. awesome. But as of then, at least, I was 65% effaced and dilated to 3. I have an appointment today and haven't decided if I want to get checked again or not.
the gestational diabetes is pretty much a disaster this time around. they put me on medication and then doubled it, and I still can't keep my numbers down no matter what I eat. I'm not so much worried about that so much as just completely have zero tolerance for the ass-chewing that I have to drive an hour to receive each week from the perinatalogist. I am not a fan of time-wasting experiences and this definitely qualifies as one in my books.
so yea, boo hoo and crap.
let me try to balance this out with some positivity:
Cameron has been nice-ish the last couple of days. at morning drop off, I stay in the car so mom can wrestle him into his classroom and she has been lifting him up to give me hugs and kisses before he takes off down the sidewalk. it's really sweet, but not as sweet as the fact that he then takes the rest of the sidewalk in about 7 minutes because he has to stop every few feet to turn around and wave enthusiastically at me and blow me kisses. for this super grumpy mama, this is the best balm in the world and undoubtedly saves the lives of anyone I encounter throughout the workday.
Charles continues to be amazing and supportive and more patient with me than I thought possible. we are both very much ready to have the "good michelle" back, but in the mean time, he is doing wonderful things to take care of me and communicate and make sure that our time at home is as peaceful and easy as it could be with a hugely pregnant miserable woman in pain.
mom is here, and she is amazing. I'm sure I don't need to tell any of you how awesome she is, but she is.

on another note, please say some prayers for my dad. he's having a tough time dealing with the constant care of his parents and the only thing I can come up with to help him out is just to say some prayers. so if you could spare a few for him also, I'd appreciate it.

mid-july journal

well here I sit at work on my beloved heating pad with the bosses heading out of town for the rest of the week. as the prospect of 20 hrs of work week left sitting by myself in a quiet half of the building looms ahead of me, I figured I'd start off the morning with a bit of a blog just to feel productive.

Outside my window:
that man with his damn hedge trimmers is at it again, hacking away at he evergreens just outside my office. but that will end soon enough and then I will listen to my little birdy friends again and wish that I could move my desk outside in this beautiful 70 degree weather! I tell ya, my large and pregnant self is extremely grateful for the reprieve from the typical july weather. not that I spent a lot of time outdoors, but it makes the walk in and out of work to/from the car quite lovely.

What I'm wearing:
most of my larger maternity wear from last time was winter-appropriate, so I snagged a pair of shorts and some khaki capris at the consignment sale in the spring. I can't wear jean shorts to work, so most days I wear the capris to work with a nice-ish tshirt. some days I wear a shorter dress with black stretchy maternity capri leggings. (yes Elizabeth, not only do I wear capris, but they are capri LEGGINGS.) :) I find it uncomfortable to just wear a dress without some sort of barrier to muffle the thunder thighs. baby powder is my friend. so anyway... today - capris with a lovely white and blue stripped tshirt and the same black sandals I've worn every day for the last 8 months. rock on.

Toddler:
Cameron smameron is doing very well! after mom being here for over a month, he has managed to adjust to her and the situation in the house which renders me unavailable for the most part. his fits have greatly subsided. it only took a few times of tossing him into his room to cure the majority of the meltdowns, now we just have to ask him if he needs to go to his room until he can be a nice boy - he will say no and stop crying immediately. who knew!? he is getting so tall! today I decided to give it a shot with him eating at the table instead of his high chair and he did well. the last time I tried it, his face was almost level with the table top, but it worked just fine for breakfast. we will tentatively continue with that. he can scale the dining room chairs fairly easily on his own so that will eliminate the need for me to pick him up and put him in his high chair. really, I think the only difficult part will be that we don't always eat at the same time. but this is the last week of my 10 hr days, so it will be much easier to get home and get a meal together at a normal time now.
we are working on the Great Room Shuffle. hopefully this week or weekend we will get out to purchase a twin bed for Cameron and then be able to move the crib over to Luke's room. the plan is still to decorate Cameron's room with curious George, but it will be a while until a trip to joann's can happen - probably while I'm on maternity leave (and after I win the lottery). mom spent yesterday digging out the baby clothes and washing them now that the nursery is empty of charles' stuff. it was incredibly surreal to see those tiny little clothes and shoes again. but it is such a HUGE relief to have it out and moving again and know that we are heading in the direction of being ready for his arrival.

In the Kitchen:
Mom the Amazing has been handling all the cooking/cleaning/shopping. this week we had leftover spaghetti, meatloaf, roast, shephard's pie last night, and probably leftovers again tonight. Friday we have invited some dear friends over who we will ask to be godparents for Luke in addition to charles' sister, to cover the Catholic bases. I (or mom) will make that peach and Dijon pork tenderloin again with roasted sweet potatoes and brussel's sprouts.
I have also been eating an obscene amount of cookies and ice cream. luke REALLY likes ice cream. I have Dursley chins. it's gross. but it will pass.

Crafting:
good one! how bout "if my body could support a trip to the store and I could afford it, what would I be crafting": then joann's would be void of curious George fabric for curtains and such for Cameron; I would also buy grey and sky blue pattern fabric with puppies to decorate luke's room (curtains, crib skirt, baby quilt, possibly a cushion for the rocking chair) and white frames with which I would make "nursery art" out of fabric remnants or scrapbook paper. the road between wants and needs is a bitter one to tread these days. it's hard to surrender my vision of "perfection", or even "completion".

Reading:
harry potter. again. don't ask me how many times I've read it, I've lost count. it's a great distraction and helps to pass the time I must spend on the couch. I'm currently on book 4.

Bringing me joy:
seeing how Charles and Cameron's relationship has grown this last month or so. we've hit such a great family rhythm, I guess all it took was for me to just get out of the way and give Charles the chance to really dig in. but it's pretty awesome to see!
Cameron's favorite thing: being superman! he and Charles got matching capes for his birthday and almost every day he will ask to put it on and run up and down the hallway going "ready, set GO!". best. thing. ever.

Thinking about:
how in the world I will function when mom goes home. as of now, we're planning on her leaving in a week and a half or so, at which time my back will theoretically be well enough for me to get around and "chase Cameron" as needed. I don't know. functioning is my current fear and I'm just focusing on that because if I think about all the things that will be scary once I'm actually done being pregnant, functioning would go out the window.
but obviously taht's not smart, so I save a good portion of my worry for finances too. just to be good and stressed prepared.

Pictures:
yea, still haven't taken or uploaded any of the pictures from my camera or phone. and as this is the last week of 10 hr shifts/Fridays "off", it's not gonna happen. so instead, here are some pictures taken from charles' facebook:

the basement floor is finally done! Charles has worked on it for several weeks and I am thrilled to say that he is pleased with the results. it was touch and go for a while but now that he sees the finished product he is happy. I love it too. we were quoted at about $2000 for someone to do it for us but he got it done for just under $500. remaining basement tasks: installing the bar counter/cabinet/shelves, tiling around the fireplace and decorating. although Charles does not like my vision of the bar and desparately wants to add another counter in front of the wall unit for people to sit at. this is our current wish/project. he just wants it all finished, but the spirit is willing and the account is weak. it is an understandable source of frustration that after all his hard work he still doesn't have a usable man cave space. but we are both doing our best not to be super pouty about the situation and focus on what needs to happen in order to prepare for luke. being a grown up blows.

this is what happens when I leave Charles with Cameron on a Saturday morning. spiked hair and biker tattoos. those two are thick as thieves! :)

aaaand now let's all take a moment to celebrate that I finally figured out why the damn blogger wasn't starting a new line of type when I push Enter.
The End.

bloody sheets, smelly diapers, and snuggles

that's how my morning started, and it was GREAT! Cameron had a bloody nose in the night. I suspect he was picking his nose in his sleep, it happens. and although he ate half a piece of cheese and 4 bites of peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner, aaaand a cup of milk, I think the milk for breakfast, 2nd breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner along with the pineapple and oranges at school probably did him in. but that's all gross stuff. the snuggles are the best. in my current state, I don't really get Cameron huggies unless I fight for them. I'm pretty much assured to get one when we tuck him in but that's about it unless he's feeling especially generous. when we get home in the evenings I am complete toast, so I go straight for the couch and then, although I don't like him to watch videos during the week since our time is already so short, I usually try to convince him to sit with me for a few minutes to watch a video just so that I can have a chance to touch him. most of the time it works but usually comes with the price of him accidentally sitting on his brother or digging his elbow into my guts. but i'll take it. so this morning he was up about 20 minutes early, with said diaper poopsplosion, and I had some time to go in and sit with him and read him a book and snuggle. it was heavenly. I hate hate hate being so dependent on everyone but even more so, I hate missing out on time with him because I can't function properly. but it is what it is. tomorrow will be a big day, as will the weekend. I have physical therapy at 8, dentist at 9:10, chiropractor at 10:30, hopefully a nap to rest up, then my OB apt at 2:30. 30 weeks has been the "goal" to re-evaluate everything and see if they can ease up on the bed rest stuff and precautions. this week has been TERRIBLE. no lie, Tuesday I made 5 trips to the copy machine and was having noticeable contractions for the rest of the day. yesterday my hips were killing me, contractions were continuing and there is pressure on my cervix. needless to say, I'm freaking out quite a lot. so I have been planning for them to check me again tomorrow, and I still will have them do so. I will be very much surprised if I'm not sufficiently progressed from what I was 4 weeks ago. as of now, my plan is to re-take my damn 3 hr glucose test Saturday morning, then head to the hospital from there for my first of 2 more steroid injections. they will put me on the monitor for 20 minutes, give me the shot, then send me home. (theoretically) and I will go back sunday afternoon for another round. but after this week, I really don't know what to expect. one of my bosses just came in and said that she suddenly has a "feeling" that I'm having a baby today or tomorrow. yea. so that's helpful. don't get me wrong, I would be THRILLED to be done with this as soon as possible, but it's not the best thing for mr. lucas. and my boys are the reasons I was put on this earth in the first place, so if I can't be the best mother I can be, then why bother! so we'll see what happens. I have no doubt that we will both have the absolute best medical care and plenty of family and friends to help us out as much as we need regardless of what happens. so really, there isn't much more to worry about (other than the practical things like, money and food and having a nursery set up in which to put said newborn). oi.

butt cheek

an update from north east kansas: i am still pregnant. i will be 29 weeks on thursday and the doctor wants me to continue weekly OB appointments through 30 weeks, at which point we will re-evaluate. also at 30 weeks, i will have another round of 2 steroid shots (out patient this time instead of 3 days in the hospital, hopefully) and will have to re-take my 3 hr glucose test (suprise!) because i was too close to failing. i've pretty much been having celebratory ice cream and candy ever since they told me that i had passed it the last time, so i am worried that i'll bomb it on the 2nd try, but i was also in a pretty extreme amount of pain the last time, which can drive up your blood sugar as well. so who knows. speaking of the pain, i have now had 3 visits with the chiropractor and today went to my first PT appointment. although skeptical, especially since i pay $30 for about 5 minutes worth of interaction, the chiropractor has been helping. some. it also helps that i am off my feet as much as possible. but i think the PT might provide more relief. they gave me lots of stretches to do that all felt good, and also a soft tissue massage. as weird as it was to have some chick massage my butt cheek for 10 mintues with a stress ball, it felt pretty darn amazing. fingers crossed that i can talk charles into such regular treatments. although my money is on the fact that he probably won't be inclined to spend that amount of time in such close proximity to my butt. but here's hoping! i will be going to PT weekly until these darn 10 hr work days end (2 more weeks!) and then will up it to probably twice weekly after work. as far as pregnancy stuff, i have had no more bleeding (horay for "vaginal rest" *grumble grumble*) or sonograms of any kind, but the braxton hicks are definitely present. i did not feel them last time but they have been noticably increasing in intensity, even with the "bed rest", which makes me nervous. but the doctors maintain that as long as i am not having any red bleeding or contractions that require me to breathe to get through them, i should not worry. yea right. i've also had some weird funky shooting nerve things in my belly area that cause alarm to me and not my doctors. i'm just taking it very easy and hoping for the best at this point. luke is growing fast and hanging LOW. the dr. offered to check me again for dialation last week but i declined as i was making a weekend road trip and didn't want to kick up any action before that. but if they don't insist on doing it this week, i will probably ask for it at 30 weeks while they're tinkering with everything else. it will either speed stuff up majorly or put my mind at ease that all of my taking it easy will be for a good cause. my mom is still here and has been a tremendous help! she gets cameron up and ready in the morning and wrestles him into the car, then drops me off at work and spends the day cleaning/cooking/shopping/working on the house and then picks him then me up in the evening and wrestles him around till bedtime. seriously. amazing. she will stay till at least 30 weeks, barring any unforseen complications or if my back is not healed enough to allow me to take care of cameron. i'm still on a 10 lb lift limit and bed rest, so 30 weeks really is the big deciding point for a lot of things. that's it on the pregnancy update. charles has been doing fantastic things in the basement and theoretically i will get some pictures downloaded/taken of that. it'd be a good post that doesn't relate to parts of my body that the general public probably doesn't want to know about. :)

a "relaxing" weekend

so in continuing with the theme of "interesting suprises" to take place in 2014, lucas and i had ourselves a little mini vacay this weekend at the hospital. my back issues are originally what caused me to make an extra OB appointment thursday afternoon, but by the time i made it to the office i was cramping. consequently they put me on the monitor to check for contractions, discovered that my cervix was softened and dialating (1.5 but apparently only on the outside) and did a cervical sonogram to see that in 6 days i had gone from 4.2 to 3.4. i was sent home with a perscription to stop the cramping and scheduled to come back the next day for another sonogram "if i still felt crampy". since i would be near the office the next day for my glucose screening, i had already decided to take advantage of the sonogram regardless. it's a good thing! while waiting for the 3 hr glucose stuff to pass, i resumed cramping and started to spot. panic mode ensued and i made a bee line to the sonographer as soon as the test was done. my cervix was found to only be at 3.8 instead of 3.2 and they did not do another check internally and instead just sent me straight to the hospital for "24 hrs of monitoring and a round of steroid shots". willing myself to keep calm, i called my mom to head my way immediately and charles did the same with his mom. let me just say here how amazing my husband is. i have NEVER seen him like that. he was clearly terrified and although his nerves do not show as much as they did friday, his attention and focus has not waivered one bit. he has stepped up in ways that i knew he could but had not yet seen to this degree and it just makes me glow with pride! he was by my side as soon as he could be on friday and then went to get cameron from school and meet up with a dear friend of ours who watched him that evening so that husband and moms could be with me. i spent the next 3 days periodically being strapped up to monitor baby and contractions, which thankfully did not seem to be happening. i had a perinatologist do a sonogram and all was declared good with baby. at 26 weeks 2 days he measured approximately 2.3 lbs (64th%) which is a huge comfort. it also makes me think that, despite the doctors saying that i should have no trouble going full term now, he will come early because he's going to be ready to rock and roll sooner. his heart is good, spine is good and i have plenty of fluids and placenta in tact and finally moved up far enough from the cervix. i did have cramping on and off throughout the weekend and they would just monitor me again, but no more bleeding. i was also able to spend the weekend on a great heating pad for my back and legs and was given some pain meds for it while there. i am still quite stiff but considerably more functional than i was friday. and i'm currently at my desk, sitting on the heating pad. don't judge. it was deterimined that i might have had a UTI. i am dubious, but just thankful that it wasn't a worse situation. i will still be going back in 4 weeks for a second round of steroids just in case he gets more persistant about an early arrival. and i am on "moderate bed rest", which means that i can't lift more than 10 lbs, can go to work and sit on my butt for 10 hrs and then straight home to the couch otherwise. this is difficult for me, but mom will remain as long as needed and charles is ever-vigilant. i have another OB appt this friday so i look forward to more updates if there are any to be had. as of now, the plan is that i will continue to take it this easy at LEAST till we get past 28 weeks and then see how it's going. i don't want to keep mom here for the next 10 weeks only to need her help again after lucas arrives, so we're just playing it safe and will then adjust as needed. so a potentially terrifying situation actually turned out not so bad, we were EXTREMELY lucky. we had the absolute best care available both in and out of the hospital, thanks to our friends and family. it is pretty amazing. i am definitely excited to meet this little guy - clearly he has great purpose in our lives judging by the changes he has made to our family just in the last 26 weeks alone. horay for being a part of a beautiful miracle!!!!

"the best day of your life"

i read something recently that has been on my mind lately. and since work has slowed down a bit (and i don't have time to blog from home) i figured i would share it here. i think it was a little meme on jillian michaels' page to the effect of "anyone who says that their wedding day was the happiest day of their life has clearly never had two candybars fall out of a vending machine when you only paid for one". this got me thinking about a couple of things. first - of all the days i've had, i would not choose my wedding day as the happiest. it was great and beautiful and all things lovely, but, due to the nature of my personality, it was also crazy and busy and slightly stressful to try to please everyone and incredibly tiring. also, in hind sight, i had absolutely NO idea what i was getting in to and i did not know my husband nearly as well as i thought i did. so wedding day - yea, it was great. but it was just one day and has no more to do with my marriage than the capital letter does to the beginning of the first sentence of War and Peace. second thought regarding the quote: what is the happiest day of my life? this is what i have been pondering, because i honestly have no idea. is it sad that i can't think of one day that has stood out among others? just one? 24 hours is a long time to be straight up extatic, in my opinion. i have moments. and all the moments that come to mind are happy and beautiful because they are also punctuated with the feeling that i had learned from or overcome something to get through them. like the first really super huge fight charles and i had, the evening that i came back to our apartment having been through hell and made up my mind to keep trying anyway even when i knew it would be the hardest thing i'd ever done. or when cameron was born and i did not immediately love him, not because i didn't love him, but because i had no idea what to do but i also knew in my heart that i had the rest of my life to figure it out and make the very most of the most wonderful gift i had ever been given straight from God. or when i got on a plane filled with people i had never met in my life heading for 6 weeks in mexico to study a language that i could barely speak, just because i wanted to see if i could do it. there are a lot of feelings that stick out in my mind as being "defining" in my life, but i guess i am of the opinion that none are "the best" because i choose to live as though the best is always yet to come. what makes life worth living if you accept that you've already reached the peak of the mountain? there are a ton of things that i still want to do! finishing a half marathon would probably be a pretty close "best day ever" for me, but there are hundreds of "moments" that have to pass and be overcome before i can cross that finish line that will make it so. figuring out how to raise 2 kids will be another good one, but that will also be made up of millions of moments that afford me the chance to grown and change. spending the rest of my life with charles is another challenge that will be amazing, but will be achieved in a quiet passing of moments hopefully after many many years. so what are your thoughts? is it easy for you come up with "the best day of your life"? our lives are such a beautiful gift, how could we ever just choose one day? but go ahead, give it your best shot! :)

journal: hello june and the season of sweat

outside my window: there are the loveliest evergreen bushes just outside my office window where a whole flock of some small chirpy critter always seems to hang out. it's a nice happy little sound as i stare at my dual monitors and spreadsheets and emails all day. i imagine it's getting pretty toasty outside today too and it has been plenty humid lately. i'm trying not to think about how miserable i will be in july and august when the crevice sweat reaches epic proportions. thankfully, my desk is right under the AC vent and the office always seems to be like an arctic tundra in the summer, so as long as i don't leave, i should be good. clothes: my parents were up this weekend and, as usual, mom could not resist the opportunity to drag me through the mall. i consented to the purchase of a most excellent black tank top maternity dress thing on sale for $20 and a clearance tshirt for $8 at old navy. i am such a royal cheap skate, and even these items took some convincing. but they are super cute and i am feeling quite hip and trendy. i have the black dress on with a jean jacket and a black and white herringbone scarf on that mom sewed together from a scrap of fabric. i also am wearing a slip. is anyone else rigid in slip-wear? i refuse to wear any kind of unlined skirt without a slip. perhaps that's old fashioned, but i guess i'm just not willing to take the chance that someone will know what my underwear pattern is. toddler: oh how fun life is with a 2 yr old. "my 2 yr old's emotional outbursts are so much fun!" - no mom, ever. holy eff. it doesn't help that i'm working four 10 hr days through mid-july so i have to wake him up 30 minutes earlier and then we don't get home till after 6 each night. it wouldn't be so bad if i weren't huge and pregnant and having to take it easy while wrestling a flailing octopus of emotion multiple times per day. my poor mom, this weekend she was trying to change a poopy diaper when he had an "issue". consequently, there are poop stains all over his bedroom carpet now until i get time to run the cleaner. awesome. but other than that stuff, he's doing well. his vocabulary is exploding and he is a lot of fun when he wants to be. curious george is a new favorite. he will soon be transitioning from the partially guarded toddler bed to the toddler bed with the fun noodle under the sheet with a hopefully quick transition then into a twin bed within the next couple of months. i have been looking online for curious george bedding without much luck, i plan to make a trip to the fabric store at some point and will likely just go with a solid color comforter and sew up some CG curtains and find some wall decals or something. in the kitchen: i've been having a heck of a time coming up with meals with this pregnancy, nothing sounds good (except ice cream. all. the. time.). so i have lately resorted to parusal of the ol' betty crocker cookbook. having never been much of a pork loin fan, i came across a fantastic recipe for peach and dijon mustard glazed pork loin which we had last night with my lovely roasted brussel's sprouts. oh my goodness was it delicious! i have packed leftovers for lunch today and i'm excited. i grilled steaks saturday and tonight will be some leftover-purging. tomorrow i will bake some chicken breast from another betty recipe, "2 mustard chicken bla bla bla" whatever it was. horay for mustard i guess... crafting: yea.. no. i bought some fabric a couple of months ago (at least!) to sew gifts for a great friend of mine whose daughter was born 2 weeks ago. stiiiiilll folded up in the closet. reading: i read the church bulliten yesterday, does that count? bringing me joy: charles and i celebrated our 8th anniversary thursday. although it was not under the best circumstances (traveling for a funeral), we did get to spend the whole day together as a family. he also bought me a new chain so that i can once again wear the beautiful cross he gave me for christmas a few years ago. i bought him a countertop for his man cave bar. :) that's life! another great source of joy: he and my dad worked saturday and sunday in the basement and accomplished great things towards the completion of the man cave. charles has purchased the supplies for concrete staining and at some point this month he will finish that. it's all coming togther and we are very excited!! this weekend we also got to spend some time with uncle cameron. it seems that he is much more relaxed and talkative when his wife does not come with him, so that was nice. he and charles did a bit of "bonding", so that was good. neither are overly fond of the other for very different reasons, so it made me happy to see some communication there. and especially so when my little cameron would interact with big cameron. he still maintains that he got the better of the deal by only having to "raise kids" for a few years before they moved out. but then, he's never been really into touchy-feely stuff so i'd definitely say that it all worked out well for him. but an infinite source of merriment to me is that his wife's oldest daughter is pregnant. yep, that's right. my 34 yr old brother is going to be a grandpa. BAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! sadly, the daughter lives in san antonio and he lives in vegas, so he will have minimal interaction. but it's still pretty darn funny. stuff i'm thinking about: pregnancy worries. since this was a "naturally occuring" pregnancy, i am much more paranoid than i was with cameron. or at least, my worries are not as easily quelled. i also have partial placenta previa and have been placed on restrictions and told to take it easy. see "toddler" section above for more information on how well that's going. ... so i spend a lot of time trying to take it easy, then not, then having cramps and contractions. just cleaning the house is enough to do me in. it's not cool. but i have another sonogram appointment friday and hopefully things will have shifted around and baby luke is still looking healthy and safe. i will be happy when this is over, it has been such an emotional and turbulent pregnancy in a lot of ways and i worry about how my mental/phsyical state will effect the baby, and then i worry some more because i know it won't be any easier to keep that from happening when he's out. so yea, pregancy worries gallore. pictures to share: sure! i haven't taken many lately and i've posted even fewer. in theory, this will be a friday project at some point.

may 1 - an update on life. literally.

so clearly there has been a lot going on these last few months and i figured i'd take some time to give "you" an update. 2014 has been quite a dirty bitch, let me just say that. shortly after the first of the year we got the suprise of our lives with the knowledge that there is a little one on the way. i've never given much thought to people who experience "suprise" pregnancies, but now i will have much more sympathy for them. with all the trouble it took to be blessed with cameron, we were not expecting to ever concieve naturally. in fact, our plan was to wait about 2 or 3 years before even trying. (and if charles had his way, we might not have tried at all!) poor charles had only been home for about 2 months and was (and still is) just starting to learn how to be a dad again after a year away. in all honesty, the transition for all of us has been pretty intense and is still most definitely a work in progress. but over hte last few months, i have come to accept that god has given us this gift for the sole purpose of keeping us together. there have been weeks on end this year during which nothing but the knowledge that there is a child inside of me, an additional member of our family who needs to know their father, has kept us going in a positive direction - even if we were just stationary and staring in different directions. marriage is hard. parenting is hard. life is hard. pregnancy is hard. 2014 is hard. so we now seem to have moved past some of that. charles left for school the same week i started getting sick with the 1st trimester glories, and he returned 7 weeks later as i was recovering from a violent stomach flu. he brought back a cold, which i then caught, which cameron then caught. i had a few days of health and am now going on week 3 of allergies which have turned into a raging chest cold. but on the bright side, we don't hate each other, cameron gets to see his daddy pretty much every day, and as far as we know, so far everything inside is looking great. tomorrow we will find out whether or not i am going to buy out joann's fabrics entire stock of cute girly fabric. ooooh how i want a girl so badly!!! charles is positively terrified to have a girl, mostly because he recruits in high schools and is convinced that any female child in the history of time will unavoidably turn out to be a whore. i've tried to use myself, and many other people i know, as an example of why that's not true. at all. but he is still nervous. (understatement) but i definitely think a daughter would be good for his personality. maybe it will teach him to be a bit more empathetic. cameron will do great either way. i have not had a lot any close personal contact with a toddler in the same capacity as i do my own son, but seriously, i have never known a sweeter kid than he is! huggies and kissies for everyone, especially stuffed animals. he certainly is working the terrible twos these days, but for the most part it's fairly logical. *grain of salt* or at least understandable. although it's exhausting, i think it's good that i'm the one who pretty much soley takes care of him because it's a lot easier for me to see what he's feeling because i'm used to the way he looks at things. but oh boy can it be frustrating. many of my worst parenting moments have happened these last few months. i am lucky he is forgiving and sweet and i continue to work on my patience. he has definitely not been the recipient of the best of me, nor has charles for that matter, but i honestly think that's just the season of life we're in. it's stressful and it will continue to be so for quite a few more years, but there will also be some of the best times of our lives mixed in there and we owe it to each other to trudge on through the muck and frustration to have a chance to really live to the fullest through our family. as for me - it really has taken until recently to get excited about this baby. as pathetic as that is to say or even think, it's still true. but just yesterday i caught myself telling someone at work that "we are excited" and i have decided that it is actually finally true. it's coming whether we intended it to or not, and my 2014 mantra is "clearly, god trusts us much more than we trust ourselves". but that's totally ok. in fact, it's comforting. although it's been hellish, it's also been good - and will get better! we will figure out how to pay for everything, we will figure out how to balance our time and obligations, and we will figure out how to parent 2 kids. and theoretically, for at least the next 3 years, we'll get to figure all that out in the same house/state/country. and so we continue moving forward.

patriotic videos

today I watched two different patriotic "homecoming" videos online and both made me ugly cry, hard core. I thought it would make an interesting blog post (from home, for once) with the hope that someone might comment and give me an outsider's perspective on the whole "military homecoming" situation. this is the first one, it's pretty fun actually. although the further it went into the story of the commercial, the more I kept thinking "Charles would be PISSED!!!!! SOOO PISSED!!!!!" so perhaps that can be discussion point #1: any service member worth praising in such a public way is NOT someone who would at all want that to happen or be remotely comfortable with it. decent service members do not wear their uniforms in public unless they have no other choice. they are not show offs and they think of their service as no more than a job just the same as any other 9-5 desk jockey. to be publicly recognized is embarrassing and often frustrating. this is something that Charles is finding as he is now required to be "in the community" for his job while wearing his uniform. we met for lunch a while back and were in chipotle. even choosing a seat is difficult in places like that; how do you watch the door, windows, line of winding people all around the restaurant and also manage to somewhat enjoy a meal? you don't. so you're tense. and possibly jumpy. so when someone comes up behind you from outside of your line of sight and very respectfully grabs your shoulder and expresses heartfelt thanks for your service, even such a gesture as this almost lost some poor guy his arm because he scared the daylights out of my husband. and he has no official combat service. imagine those men and women who have seen and heard the unthinkable and then someone comes up on them unexpectedly. not trying to deter anyone from being thankful, but these are aspects of it that people don't usually think about. so the next video is

Post by Funny Videos.

yea. that one is just 7 minutes of terrible emotional overload. I know what my emotions are at the thought of a military homecoming because I've lived the 12 month wait, the 2 month prior cleaning frenzy, the 2 week prior nausea, the 2 day prior gitters, the 2 hour prior insanity, and that time period when you see them with your eyes, in the flesh, and your stomach is in your throat and you're about to just explode; all followed by the period of adjustment afterwards and all that entails. (side note, did you know that we're told upon first separation with our service member that it will take the same number of days that they were gone for your family to re-acclimate once the return? true story.) getting back into a family rhythm upon return is miserable 65% of the time. even all that "oh I bet you're so happy he's home!" stuff is good for about the first 2 days (at least for us) because after that, we're beyond the mushy stuff and attempting to re-establish real life and it is unimaginably difficult. but that's another rant blog post. so what do you feel when you see those sappy videos? how does it effect you? I imagine that if you don't live near a military community, you probably don't even see anyone in uniform at all, ever. so how does it make you feel? just curious. thanks for playing along.

journal: january

out my window: cold but not bitterly so. it's overcast in my neck of the woods and there's still snow and ice on the ground. i'm not "sooo done" with winter yet, so i don't really mind. plus i don't get out much beyond work/gym/church/store. other than trying to hit the store while cameron is at daycare so that i don't have to get him out in the cold too much, it's not really that big of a deal at this point. i'm pacing myself, it's only january after all. what i'm wearing: kahkis that are still too short for me, black "work tank top" and a maroon cardigan. oh so stylish, as always. not. toddler: he started his new classroom at daycare this week - 18-36 month group now. he is a great adjuster but yesterday morning he had a bit of an issue. i was worried that he would have had a bad day but they told me that he was great all day and giving lots of hugs. he can be quite stubborn, but he is seriously the sweetest boy i've ever known. i love that he is loving and quick to laugh. i'm obviously biased, but i really think he'll have a great fun life and i am excited to see who he becomes and where his life takes him. in the kitchen: i've really been trying to focus on planning meals a few days out again but i'm now to the end of my "few days" and need to plan once more. made chili last night and we have salad stuff and sandwich stuff. i'm thinking we'll be making pizza in the next few days and maybe ribs or pork chops. horay for frozen veggies. crafting: i've started a crochet baby blanket for a dear friend who is going to give birth to cameron's future wife in May. i think i'm going to do my blankets differently - i'd like to crochet it and then sew flannel to the back and trim with a satin border. not ever actually having made a blanket for myself i wouldn't know, but it seems as though they could use some support to be less flimsy. just a guess. reading: nothing earth-shattering. charles dug up some fitness books that his uncle had given him and i skim them while eating breakfast. we're gonna say that counts as mental enrichment. brings me joy: spending time with my family, especially charles and a great day spent this week with just mom and i. obviously cameron is a bringer of joy too with his silly self, but he is also a main source of frustration because he's a toddler and it's his job to push the limits. he spends a lot of time in trouble it seems, but in reality it's probably not so bad. since we spend so much time in the kitchen/dining room he is usually quite involved in the cooking and that makes me very happy. when i am at the stove he will ask to be up and either wants to be in charge of the opening/closing of the microwave and pushing of the buttons or i will give him the play by play of what i'm doing and we will smell the food together as it cooks. he will even go look in the oven and go "mmmmmm!!!" :) thinking about: toddler-raising. wtf. and getting back into a "single mom" routine for a few weeks here pretty soon while charles goes to school. lame! also heavily on my mind - a person close to me is in a position where she is about to lose her unborn child. it is devistating all around and heart breaking and just makes us all feel so helpless. prayers for her and her family please. we need a miracle, bad. other trials - charles' last surviving grandfather is not doing well either. pancreatic cancer. we don't know much longer he'll last, but charles is going to visit this weekend. thankfully my grandpa has recovered from his illness. he entered the hospital on christmas night and came home tuesday. 2014 is starting off with a number of challenges.