taking a stab at this: Journal

things are slow at work so to pass the time i figured i'd blog.  but to help me direct my thoughts to less-depressing things than my previous couple of posts, here's the ever-popular 'journal' thing:
TODAY

Out my window: sun is shining and i think it's supposed to get up to 45 today.  i have made a deal with myself that i will load up cameron in the jogging stroller on days when it gets above 50, so we'll see. 
Clothing myself in: kahki pants (sorry, i can't spell khaki.. or is that right?  who knows, whatever...) that are size 18 and purchased for when i went back to work after the baby.  they look rediculous becuase i am thankfully NOT a size 18; however i only have 2 pair of pants for work that are not too tight, including these, so although i could probably fit a midget inthe butt of these pants, i'm going to wear them until the rest of my clothes are more comfortable.  but at least i finally let the hem out a bit this weekend so they are no longer 3" too short.  i'm a hot mess, what can i say.  also have a blue wrap shirt on and a long red sweater coat thing in hopes of disguising the butt situation with these pants.  go me.
Around the house: it's pretty clean.  mom and dad were here this last weekend.  i get stressed out when it's not clean so i often put that ahead of other things but it allows me to feel some sense of control over the world.  so house is clean but i still want to clean the carpets upstairs.  consequently i'm shootingto spend more time with the baby in the living room because the carpets ARE clean down there.
The baby: the old 'lay a blanket on the floor for him' trick is behind us.  still not crawling but that boy is a mover!  hence the carpet cleaning stuff... tooth # 5 is through and it's fellow is not far behind.  he's recovered from his sickies last weekend and is back to being very happy and active.  he crashes shortly after 7 and has no interest in crawling but would rather stand up and flail his arms all over.  i keep standing him against the couch to work on supporting himself that way.  i am certain that i will regret this later.  but he's having a blast.
In the kitchen: been doing the meal replacement shakes for 2 months now and i love it.  i still get all of my recomended foods every day but without having to take the time to cook or eat 2 of my 3 big meals.  it's wonderful!  i plan my food the night before.  tonight i'm making a big pot of stuffed pepper soup.  i have stuff for some broccoli and cheddar soup too, went to panera this weekend and had a bowl there and decided i must cook it too.  tried cauliflower in some mac and cheese a while back and it was great. 
Crafting: finally did some sewing this weekend!  in addition to the re-hemming of the pants i also made some taggies and sewed together some bath towels to send to a couple of friends in afganistan to protect their electronics from sand, an idea given by another friend with experience in the whole sand vs. electronics thing.  now i just have to wait till i get paid friday since i spent my postage fund on groceries.  awesome.  i hope to make some more taggies and i used some christmas money to buy quilting supplies so i will also eventually do that.  i also have a friend and her daughters who come over once a week for crochet lessons so im enjoying that too.  oh, and i've discovered the zen quality to painting small things.  who knew!?  i had occasion to paint some things for christmas gifts and want to do more of it.  i'm planning an eventual wooden name plate for cameron's room.

Reading: harry potter and the half blood prince.  few people really know about my harry potter addiction, so now you're clued in.  reading is my escape and i absolutely love escaping to that world.  i've read the entire series probably 10 times at least.  it drives charles crazy to see me reading them, but he doesn't know how crazy i could drive him if i didnt.  and so i read.
Bringing me joy: talked to charles on instant messenger this morning.  i wouldn't go straight to 'joy bringing' since we're both pretty miserable, but it is certainly better to talk to him than not.  i'm also happy that cameron is back to his happ self after being sick.  and the basement renovation is officially underway and that makes me very happy and excited.  i'm surpising charles with it and i'm so excited to do this for him.  he will love it!
Thinking about: charles and how to help him, how to help myself, get through this year.  it's going so. slowly.  also the fact that we have it easy compared to so many others.  we had 3 1/2 years together before this year apart.  some people get 12-18 months together.  to think of that with more than 1 kid, i just can't imagine.  so i try to remind myself that it could be worse, although admittedly that doesn't make me feel any better.  also thinking of money and wishing i could find a way to make it go further.
Pictures to share - yea, i got nothing.  i've been trying to do better about taking them to document the year.

crap ass

i've sat here at work this morning reading the blogs of friends and pondering what i'd say on a post.  unfortuantly most of what has been going through my mind is not very positive and i put a little bit of effort into thinking of a way to turn my crap ass day/week/month/year into some sort of optimistic life lesson that puts trivial human sufferings into perspective but honestly: i got nothin.  sometimes stuff just sort of sucks and i dont really care if that's nice or not.  i miss the hell out of my husband.  he's only been gone for 2 months and we have 10 more to go before i can touch him again, or even look at him 3 dimensionally, see the color of his eyes, snuggle up with him in his oversized sweat pants.  this is not ok.  i dont like it.  it is not easy.  and every time i think about that blessed day when i pick him up from the airport with our then 18 month old son running around all over the place, it makes me cry.  i had hoped that month #2 would go quickly with the busy holiday season but it didn't really.  charles was 100% miserable to be away on christmas and there wasnt a thing i could do about it, which made me miserable too.  but now that's over and we're both very glad.  now that we're in the new year, the year when we will see each other again, i know the time will go more slowly because we have nothing to distract us between now and then except every day life.  and let's face it, that's just not all that distracting with an elephant like this in the room.  i walk around every day with a dulled out grey feeling.  i do a pretty good job of getting things done, heck, i even cleaned carpets this weekend.  and although i know i could always do better with cameron, teaching him to sign or singing songs or whatever, i am still making his baby food and we have at least 30 minutes of play time, just us, every night during the week when i'm not feeding him or myself or cooking or cleaning, etc.  so that's pretty good i think, all things considered.  my eyebrows are kind of-ish tweezed and for the most part i do well to wear clothes that match, at least when i'm out of the house.  i'm even doing pretty well at eating healthy, even though i can't get any exercise in.  i lost 2 1/2 inches on my waist this last month but gained a pound.  carbs are the enemy.  apparently.  so is stress.  yea...  so i know there are good things and i do a pretty good job of celebrating them, not so much because i feel like celebrating at all, but because i know that i have to hold on to something remotely victorious or else i would just go under completely. 
this morning cameron, who is getting sick, projectile vomited all over the both of us, and the chair, and the wall behind me.  no joke, it was like that scene in shrek the third where the baby in the carriage pukes.  he let it go once and then turned to face me and i had a half a second where i grabbed the burp rag on my shoulder an dheld it up in front of my face before he let it go again.  it was the weirdest thing i've ever seen.  well, no, that's not true.  but it was still weird.  then he just sat there looking at me all confused with some disgustingly wet hiccups.  i cursed myself for putting htat tight shirt on him this morning because now i was peeling off puke-soaked tight shirt.  but we got it figured out and i hope i managed to wipe all the puke off both of us before we re-dressed and headed out. i was only a few minutes late to work.  that was my superwoman moment of the day, too bad i capped out early because there is a lot of day left here.  i tried to find a picture of the scene from shrek but if you have never googled 'shrek the third puke scene', please dont do it.  serves me right, that was gross.
so yea, there's an incredibly lame blog post for you.  thanks for reading.  it just seemed like too much to express as a facebook status.