Peter

i've been going to a differnet church for the last month or so and i really enjoy it most out of all 5 or 6 churches i've tried out since leaving home.  well, today's gospel is one of my favorites.  it was the one about doubting thomas.  i think this is one of the most identifiable gospel readings of all.  one of charles' biggest turn off's with the catholic church is how we are all constantly being told that we are sinners.  well, newsflash: we are!  just look at thomas - he actually personally knew jesus and still acted like an idiot.  my priest pointed out something i hadn't ever realized too, thomas was with jesus when he raised lazarus from the dead.  yet he still didn't believe?  come on now - really?  but while i imagine that everone can identify with thomas, peter's story is what really spoke to me today.  the homily was about how we identify with our beliefs, especially the resurrection.  it is one thing to say "yes, i believe that the earth orbits the sun".  this has no social implications for us, it does not define us as a person because it is a commonly known fact.  whereas if we were to say "yes, i believe that jesus died for us and rose from the dead and is in heaven preparing a nice cushy chair for us, should we deserve it" - well that's quite something else.  people will ask us questions, they might think differently of us or might identify with us differnetly and challenge us.  so while making this point, the priest brought up the fact that of the 12 guys that jesus specifically called to himself as desciples, 25% of them were idiots.  judas betrayed him then killed himself, thomas had his head up his butt, and peter denied him 3 times and then ran away and hid while his best friend was being brutally murdered. 
so i was dwelling on poor peter.  what an emotional roller coaster he had!  he was the most beloved, he was the closest to jesus.  he spent every day with this man for 3 years and really knew him.  i think of the friends i've made in the last 3 years and how well i know them.  now add onto that the ministry and the trials that they all endured together, the miracles they saw, the places they went, the people they effected and the followers they had.  they went through a lot in those 3 years.  so then things start to go south and jesus is more closely watched.  people are trying to trip him up and get him into trouble; and peter is his right hand man.  his best friend is coming under fire and he is an accomplice.  do you stand with him or step back?  now he's been captured.  peter stood by and watched his friend be taken away by soldiers, then he was afraid, probably feeling incredibly guilty, but obviously more afraid.  he ran away from the scene and did nothing.  nothing.  he walked further away, didnt try to speak up for his friend, didn't try to help him carry his cross (a stranger in the crowd did that), didnt try to wipe his face (a group of women did that), didn't even try to comfort his mother (one of the other guys did that).  he ran.  then when accused of being with jesus, he pretended that he didnt even know him.  we've all had some embarassing friends, but let's say those embarassing friends were God - would you pretend that you didnt know him just because it might make you socially uncomfortable or might catagorize you in some way?  well peter did - x3.  guilt guilt guilt.  so as if he wasnt already feeling like a scum bag, about this time he hears that judas, another friend, has killed himself for what he's done, for his guilt.  wouldnt you imagine that peter considered the same thing?  instead he hides.  after a couple of days, he gets wind of the fact that jesus' tomb is empty.  maybe he's just starting to crawl out of his guilt and deal with the mourning process.  his friend has died and that's gotta be tough.  who will lead us now? and on top of that, someone stole his body.  so he checks it out - yep, he's gone.  now what?  where do i go?  who can i tell?  will my other friend accept me back after i totally ditched out on everything? 
well luckily they did and he pulled himself back up on his feet and went on with life - i imagine having learned a healthy dose of self-awarness, humility, and courage.  this, one of the weakest and strongest of men was chosen to lead the faith. 
we're all sinners.  check.  we all go through our own emotional roller coasters and our own times of weakness and trial - but why?  perhaps we should all remember poor peter when things really start to suck.  instead of a "poor me" or a "this is too hard", maybe we could think: god is preparing us for something amazing.  without becoming acquainted with our weakness, we will not be able to realize our strengths.  and i believe that god calls us to be strong.  he calls the weak and makes us strong.  and that, just like anything worth havng or being, requires some sacrifice.