patriotic videos

today I watched two different patriotic "homecoming" videos online and both made me ugly cry, hard core. I thought it would make an interesting blog post (from home, for once) with the hope that someone might comment and give me an outsider's perspective on the whole "military homecoming" situation. this is the first one, it's pretty fun actually. although the further it went into the story of the commercial, the more I kept thinking "Charles would be PISSED!!!!! SOOO PISSED!!!!!" so perhaps that can be discussion point #1: any service member worth praising in such a public way is NOT someone who would at all want that to happen or be remotely comfortable with it. decent service members do not wear their uniforms in public unless they have no other choice. they are not show offs and they think of their service as no more than a job just the same as any other 9-5 desk jockey. to be publicly recognized is embarrassing and often frustrating. this is something that Charles is finding as he is now required to be "in the community" for his job while wearing his uniform. we met for lunch a while back and were in chipotle. even choosing a seat is difficult in places like that; how do you watch the door, windows, line of winding people all around the restaurant and also manage to somewhat enjoy a meal? you don't. so you're tense. and possibly jumpy. so when someone comes up behind you from outside of your line of sight and very respectfully grabs your shoulder and expresses heartfelt thanks for your service, even such a gesture as this almost lost some poor guy his arm because he scared the daylights out of my husband. and he has no official combat service. imagine those men and women who have seen and heard the unthinkable and then someone comes up on them unexpectedly. not trying to deter anyone from being thankful, but these are aspects of it that people don't usually think about. so the next video is

Post by Funny Videos.

yea. that one is just 7 minutes of terrible emotional overload. I know what my emotions are at the thought of a military homecoming because I've lived the 12 month wait, the 2 month prior cleaning frenzy, the 2 week prior nausea, the 2 day prior gitters, the 2 hour prior insanity, and that time period when you see them with your eyes, in the flesh, and your stomach is in your throat and you're about to just explode; all followed by the period of adjustment afterwards and all that entails. (side note, did you know that we're told upon first separation with our service member that it will take the same number of days that they were gone for your family to re-acclimate once the return? true story.) getting back into a family rhythm upon return is miserable 65% of the time. even all that "oh I bet you're so happy he's home!" stuff is good for about the first 2 days (at least for us) because after that, we're beyond the mushy stuff and attempting to re-establish real life and it is unimaginably difficult. but that's another rant blog post. so what do you feel when you see those sappy videos? how does it effect you? I imagine that if you don't live near a military community, you probably don't even see anyone in uniform at all, ever. so how does it make you feel? just curious. thanks for playing along.

journal: january

out my window: cold but not bitterly so. it's overcast in my neck of the woods and there's still snow and ice on the ground. i'm not "sooo done" with winter yet, so i don't really mind. plus i don't get out much beyond work/gym/church/store. other than trying to hit the store while cameron is at daycare so that i don't have to get him out in the cold too much, it's not really that big of a deal at this point. i'm pacing myself, it's only january after all. what i'm wearing: kahkis that are still too short for me, black "work tank top" and a maroon cardigan. oh so stylish, as always. not. toddler: he started his new classroom at daycare this week - 18-36 month group now. he is a great adjuster but yesterday morning he had a bit of an issue. i was worried that he would have had a bad day but they told me that he was great all day and giving lots of hugs. he can be quite stubborn, but he is seriously the sweetest boy i've ever known. i love that he is loving and quick to laugh. i'm obviously biased, but i really think he'll have a great fun life and i am excited to see who he becomes and where his life takes him. in the kitchen: i've really been trying to focus on planning meals a few days out again but i'm now to the end of my "few days" and need to plan once more. made chili last night and we have salad stuff and sandwich stuff. i'm thinking we'll be making pizza in the next few days and maybe ribs or pork chops. horay for frozen veggies. crafting: i've started a crochet baby blanket for a dear friend who is going to give birth to cameron's future wife in May. i think i'm going to do my blankets differently - i'd like to crochet it and then sew flannel to the back and trim with a satin border. not ever actually having made a blanket for myself i wouldn't know, but it seems as though they could use some support to be less flimsy. just a guess. reading: nothing earth-shattering. charles dug up some fitness books that his uncle had given him and i skim them while eating breakfast. we're gonna say that counts as mental enrichment. brings me joy: spending time with my family, especially charles and a great day spent this week with just mom and i. obviously cameron is a bringer of joy too with his silly self, but he is also a main source of frustration because he's a toddler and it's his job to push the limits. he spends a lot of time in trouble it seems, but in reality it's probably not so bad. since we spend so much time in the kitchen/dining room he is usually quite involved in the cooking and that makes me very happy. when i am at the stove he will ask to be up and either wants to be in charge of the opening/closing of the microwave and pushing of the buttons or i will give him the play by play of what i'm doing and we will smell the food together as it cooks. he will even go look in the oven and go "mmmmmm!!!" :) thinking about: toddler-raising. wtf. and getting back into a "single mom" routine for a few weeks here pretty soon while charles goes to school. lame! also heavily on my mind - a person close to me is in a position where she is about to lose her unborn child. it is devistating all around and heart breaking and just makes us all feel so helpless. prayers for her and her family please. we need a miracle, bad. other trials - charles' last surviving grandfather is not doing well either. pancreatic cancer. we don't know much longer he'll last, but charles is going to visit this weekend. thankfully my grandpa has recovered from his illness. he entered the hospital on christmas night and came home tuesday. 2014 is starting off with a number of challenges.

Good Times

well, life is going pretty well in our neck of the woods! charles' return has provided us with a fairly easy transition. you really can't prepare for this type of situation and i'm learning that every time he comes home, it will never be what i expect it to be. since the separation always gives us plenty of opportunity to strengthen our marriage, i wasn't worried about that; but rather expected the frustration to come from co-parenting and all the adjustments that come along with that. much to my amazement, the parenting stuff has actually been going really well! mostly because i am working very hard to stay aware of the fact that i have to keep my mouth shut and actually allow him the opportunity to be a parent instead of steamrolling him every chance i get. pride - it's an issue. but we are doing very well with that. even better - cameron is doing very well with that! from the minute he saw his daddy in the airport, they have been BFFs. charles has an influence with him that i definitely do not; and since charles is much better at conrolling his emotions than i am, he keeps it all cool as a cucumber. given the circumstances of the last year, i think i did pretty well at that, but charles definitely wins the zen award. which is amazing. so yea, parenting: good. marriage: good. being husband and wife: what? i'm sure this is a typical issue, or maybe not, i really don't know. there's no handbook for this crap and if there were, i wouldn't have time to read it. but i had some difficulty switching out of mom-mode and into wife-mode. i'm good now, but that first week was really tough. we both had to adjust to being in close proximity to someone else like that again. it was odd. but as adjustments go, i think it was definitely pretty minor and i'm feeling really good about where we are now. i still have issues when we're making plans or out in public; i'm not used to having help and i get frizzed about handling things on my own, when in reality, i don't have to anymore. it's hard to get used to. but i'm working on it. more good news: they were trying to send is to hays for recruiting, but my the grace of god, that has been changed. as of now (army disclaimer - nothing is permanent or official until it happens), we are not moving. he will be working about 15 minutes from home and life is good. he actually signs in this week, so we won't be able to go home for thanksgiving as planned, but i'm actually not all that upset about that part (see above statements about going out with a toddler by myself and ensuing issues). so yea, that's the latest from us. i have lots of cute pictures on my phone, so imagine that i've posted them here.

the emotional roller coaster that is my life

so i have tried a number of times to update my blog but was having technical issues. apparently it was more of an operator error because i just clicked the HTML button and now can type in this space again. whatever, i dont know about technology stuff. so if you read anything at all that i put on facebook you likely know that my family is in a time of great transition and frustration and lots of "-tion" words. in may we found out that charles had been selected ("volun-told") to be a recruiter. this is a great thing for his career and we feel that it will be good for him personally also because of his growing frustration with his very small job field and all the chanllenges that come with working in a tiny and disfunctional 'family'. the fun thing about recruiting is that it can be done anywhere (by fun, i mean not fun). so as homeowners, this presents a great layer of stress that, admittedly, we put on ourselves when we took the chance to own a home as a military family. we now find ourselves faced with the possibility of moving on short notice. because of the way the dates fall, charles will not be going to recruiting school until january, but he will be going back to work after leave in early december. so wherever he will eventually be rectruiting, he will move to in december ahead of me to train before officially starting school to learn the job. wrench in plan #1:government shutdown at the time of shutdown, he did not yet have his orders because it had not yet been decided in which area of the country he would be recruiting. so that meant that for as long as the government was shut down, he was frozen and, along with any other servicemember anywhere in the world slated to come home around that time, he was stuck where he was with no choice but to keep on working until the government became unconstipated. that was fun. the countdown was about 4 or 5 weeks and then it stopped. stress level 13. wrench in plan #2: "KC Recruiting Battalion" yeea..... horay! the government reopened and just a couple of days later we received word that he had been assigned to the KC battalion. we understood this to mean that we had just had all of our prayers answered - we would not have to move. now we just were waiting on orders so that he could clear his current location and get on the waiting list (of other people who had been backed up while the government was stupid) of people to come home. stress level 5. wait wait wait. what is that you say? the KC battalion covers the entire state of kansas? well that's just silly! indeed... as of right now, we are slated to move to Hays, ks. hays. a town of 8 miles, absolutely no rental properties and a big load of horse crap place where it would be near impossible for me to find a job. stress level 15. so wrenches happen, but silver linings do also. yes, we have no idea if/when/where we are moving or how in the eff we would make it happen. latest plan is to just hope that we would know those ifs/whens/wheres by early december to give us time to max the shit out of our credit cards to get the house ready and then have a friend of mine manage the property in time to get it occupied by an incoming military family before christmas. but in the mean time, he will be doing whatever he can to get sent somewhere close to either here or wichita so that if we do have to move, we could at least lay low at my parents' house until we are back on our feet financially enough to rent a small place there. but the best news of all - he is coming home. he doesn't have a specific assignment yet, but he at least has orders and that is enough to get him on a stinkin plane back to his family. miraculously, despite the best efforts of our dysfunctional government, he will be home exactly as he was originally scheduled to be. and although the last few weeks have been one hell of a ride, i definitely feel like we're on an upswing. we have more questions than answers right now, and a LOT of money hangs in the balance, but we both know that no matter what curves are thrown our way, we will at least be able to tackle them side by side again instead of over the computer. good lord this has been exhausting! so that's the latest on our end. cameron is doing well. we get to skype with daddy a lot more now that he is clearing and we all enjoy that. those two will be halarious when they are together. i have cried a lot of different kinds of tears this past year but my absolute favorite are from laughing when i see how much charles enjoys the little things that his son does. this is such a fun time too because he is repeating anything and everything and has an amazing personality. he is the perfect mixture of charles' silliness and my sweetness. i tell ya, we will have the time of our lives when we are together. and boy are we ever ready for the good stuff. :)

a rough week

well the journal thing seems to be sticking, it gives me a direction for my thoughts so i'm gonna just roll with that again.

out my window: sunny and hot.  although i'm the first one to remind people that we got significantly longer periods of cooler temps before summer set in this year, i am starting to long for fall.  our AC died the weekend of the 4th so cameron and i spent last week at the house of a very generous friend and the dogs were boarded.  thankfully, we have a home warranty so we only had to pay $300 instead of $4000 for a new AC.  but it was still a stressful and crazy week. 

what i'm wearing; the good ol' kahkis and a teal shirt that may or may not be a maternity shirt.  what?  it has rouching and is long in the torso!  :)  i figure as long as it doesn't say "baby on board", it's fair game.

the toddler: he is now working on running but still loses his balance with that.  he likes to be chased, which is a blast for both of us.  last week he played peek a boo for the first time and it was pretty funny, i got video.  (see!  there's a good side to having a smart phone with you at all times while you try to parent presently!... or so i tell myself)  he also randomly busts out words.  "yea" and "drink" and the occasional "hi!".  it's pretty great.  he is also waving again, which is nice because i think now he realises it to be a form of greeting or farewell instead of just something to do that is rediculously cute and will get you lots of attention.  he got some nice bumps and bruises over the weekend.  i experimented with a new method of church-going and it was wildly successfull, except for the fact that he smacked his forhead on the chair in front of us and got a bruise.  but other than taking him out briefly to calm down after the "injury", he was quiet and calm all through mass and i actually got to participate and listen!  victory!!!  fingers crossed that my leg corral will continue to keep him entertained as long as he can stand between the two chairs in front of us and play with the mass update leaflet.  the other "injury" was a bloody lip.  i'm not sure but i *think* he was trying to run down the hall to find me in the bedroom and he tripped and maybe ran into the return vent.  he had a tiny bit of blood on his  lip but calmed down quickly enough.  now he just has a little purple spot, maybe a blood blister?  i have no idea.  but it's on his bottom lip.  doesnt seem to bother him at all.

in the kitchen: someone at work brought in some cucumbers and zucchini yesterday so i brought a couple of each home.  last night i made something pretty awesome: whole wheat rotini mac and cheese with chicken and sauted zucchini on the side.  i brought it for lunch today too and i am looking forward to it.  i do love food.  not sure what i'll make the rest of the week.  i have some romaine to use up and some black beans so i will maybe make a taco salad for dinner tonight.  being away from home last week really threw off my cooking so i need to get organized this weekend.

crafting: havent been able to do any more painting on the projects started for charles.  supplies are expensive!  i would very much like to make some puppets for cameron, any words of wisdom? 

reading: same ol'.  i think when i finish HP i will read pride and prejudice again.  i had hoped to watch the 6 hr super nerd extravaganza this year, it's not really something easily watched when charles is around, but since i have no TV anymore (it died last month), that's out the window.  i could watch things on my laptop, but if i can't watch it at it's best, i'd rather not watch at all.

bringing me joy: having a cool house again!!!!!!  my goodness we are spoiled.  i also got to hear my husband's voice for a few minutes yesterday, that was an unexpected suprise.  free food.  i've had opportunities for a lot of free food lately through work and it makes me very happy.  last night i also ordered the family pictures we had taken at penneys while charles was home.  so although that will mean substantial cost in framing when they arrive, they are really great pictures and i am very happy that we had them done. 

thinking about: when i came home sunday to check on the dogs there was a 3' long black snake in my garage.  my #1 fear is snakes and so it would be an understatement to say that i 100% lost. my. mind.  thankfully, my neighbor was home and so he came over and raked it out, then, without any idea from either of us as to what the next step should be, he chopped it's creepy head off with a garden hoe.  i am STILL creeped out and am beyond paranoid that it has friends lurking somewhere else and they will come out and get me. 

 tony the snake killer

picture to share: so that i don't leave you with the equally creeped out feeling on the snake note, a family friend recently moved to the KC area and we were able to get together sunday (pre-snake incident) and so we wandered around oak park mall.  cameron was not pleased with being confined to the stroller for a couple of hours so i decided to treat him to a ride on the 2 story carosel.  i'm pretty sure i was more excited than he was, but it was still cute.

journal: ready for the long weekend

out my window: it's been beautiful this week, in the mid-upper 80s.  in july.  no complaints here!  my electric bill is thankful.
clothes: size 12 jeans.  thankyouverymuch!  they're super stretchy, but they still say size 12 on them so i'm going to wave that flag all day!  also a black "fancy" sleevless top and my black sandals.  i should probably paint my toenails or at the very least, remove the polish from 2 months ago, but that's just not going to happen.  i dont have plans, as of now, to try out for the mrs america pagent any time soon, so i think i'm ok with my nasty looking feet.
toddler: not so bad with the teething this week so that's good.  and he seems to be pretty much over the sickness too, also good.  he is starting to try and run but loses his balance easily but it's still pretty funny to watch.  overall though, he is just having a BLAST with his movement.  he will run around and around in the kitchen/dining area, come find me and give me a hug then take off again.  tomorrow my parents will be here through the weekend and they are pretty excited to see him since he was not walking the last time they were up and have only seen it on skype.
in the kitchen: hmmm... nothing lately, just using up food.  although my lunch today is the last of the leftovers so i will have to cook tonight.  maybe that pasta and sugar snap peas business.  i also made a pot of black beans from dry so i need to do some very bean-ish things in the next couple of days.  i anticipate some homemade ice cream, a dessert of some kind, and hopefully some good summer food this weekend.
crafting: made cameron a great 4th of july shirt last night with the help of some friends and their extra hands.  i will save a pic for the "picture to share" below because i dont have any other pictures to share.  :)  but i think it's cute.  i am going to try and do at least 1 or 2 shirts for him each year for one holiday or another and then eventually turn it all into a quilt, probably adding in the shirts for eventual kid #2.  that's the plan at least.  in the mean time, it makes for cool pictures.
reading: still harry potter goodness.  i'm on to the goblet of fire now.
bringing me joy: talked to my husband this weekend on skype and he got to see his little boy.  cameron loves to see him on the computer.  we are missing each other so so so very bad, and while that is in no way a joyful thing, it is a point of connection to hear him say that he misses me too.  it's been a rough week in that respect for us.  4 more months.
thinking about: passing 4 more months and keeping busy; my health and fitness progress: since december - 12 pounds lost, 7" off waist and 3" off hips, next month i will aim to pass a PT test and in september i'm running my first 5K.  i'm excited to get where i have wanted to be for about 10 years at least.  i am well on my way and it feels great!  also, i had a bit of a conversation with a friend last week who has also been trying to "get there" for a long time and it is infinitely frustrating that she gets in her own way.  there must come a time when you dont let yourself shut down and make excuses.  i finally got there.  if she were really serious, she'd get htere too instead of talking herself into a hole.  it really pisses me off when people do that. 
so ok, i could go on a whole separate rant about that stuff.  here's the pic of cameron's shirt:

and for a refersher, and because i happen to have the pic on my work computer, here's his other seasonal shirt from halloween:

journal: yep

out my window: summer is here and it's going to be 95 degrees all week, except in my office, where it's about 45 degrees all week.  if i wouldn't spontaneously combust when i went outside in the afternoon, i would happily wear pants and a wool sweater to work in the summer.  it's rediculous.  (first world problems, i know...) 
what i'm wearing: pants!!!  with a ruffly blue "work" tank top and a little short sweater that serves no purpose other than to cover my shoulders and be somewhat of an "accessory" to the outfit.  lately i am noticing that i am not in any way stylish.  my "business casual" workwear is all 6+ years old, so i imagine it was somewhat stylish then but i think not so much now.  plus, any of my "new" clothes are hand-me-downs from my mom who has lost so much weight that she is not a size 6 (don't mind me and my bitterness) and so she is giving me all of her clothes that are too big.  she informed me yesterday that she has 3 more bags of clothes to bring up but that thankfully, she has spared me the christmas overalls and sweaters.  close call! 
the toddler: he is decidedly walking now and having a great time.  i often worried and harbored an excessive amount of guilt for most of his first year because i was rarely able to read him books and sing songs, etc; but i have been making a conscious effort to work on that especially since we spend so little time together during the week.  so i am beyond pleased to report that both at home and at day care he will often be found digging through the books in search of one in particular and will sit down by himself and flip through the pages.  he is also very affectionate.  when picked up and snuggled, he has started to take his little hand and pat me on the back while hugging.  and he will snuggle his face into his stuffed animals (to which i will speak for him and say "i love you turtle" etc. so that he understand that to be a gesture of love.)  so showing love is very familiar to him and it all makes my heart so happy that he understands and does it often.  when going it alone, it's so easy to second guess every single decision (as i'm sure it is with two parents present as well!) and it's especially difficult to feel that your parenting is adequate and represents the love and parenting of both a mother and a father - so to see these things in him really almost brings me to tears because even though it often feels like i'm just barely treading water, i know that i'm doing some things right because he recognizes these important things.  lest you think it's all sunshine and roses though - he still has a major issue with throwing food/dishes/cups on the floor and that makes me want to kill people.  but we'll get there.
in the kitchen: my poor grill bit the dust (incidentally, so has the tv) while charles was home and that makes me sad because i love grilling in the summer.  so anyway, i've made another trip to the farmer's market and loaded up on some great stuff!  best deal of the day: a bowl of sugar snap peas for $2 - and when i asked for one, the lady gave me THREE bowls still for the same $2.  i am extatic.  she said they freeze well so i cleaned and trimed them up last night and will be making this and am very excited about it.  although so far the only ingredient i have are the peas... :)  i also got 8 bell peppers for $2 and have chopped them up and put them in the freezer for stuffed-pepper soup down the line.  made spinekopeta saturday and will be having salad and maybe some sort of chicken fajita sitaution with a leftover red pepper this week.  i need to cook some more of my dried black beans.  caprese salad with farmers market tomatoes too - life is good.
crafting: michelle g came to visit me this weekend and we had a blast!  she taught me how to paint with oils and i'm pretty sure i'm hooked!  i've always wanted to know how to paint and there is a particular painting i wanted to make for charles' man cave so we set to work.  what a wonderful experience!  so my mom, who used to oil paint, is going to dig around for any of her old supplies and i will need to buy some more myself to finish the work we started this weekend.  also, in visiting a classroom last week for work i saw the coolest quilt ever!  it was a very hungry catapillar quilt and it reminded me of my desire to quilt.  someday...  i also want to sew some puppets for cameron.  cause you know, i have lots of time and everything... 
reading: the old harry potter standby.  it comforts me.
bringing me joy: waiting all week to spend 2 1/2 days with my funny little boy.  skyping with charles and laughing with him about silly things.  getting healthy and slowly losing weight; also setting difficult goals - i have comitted to have my neighbor administer an army-standard PT test to me on my bday: 17 push ups in 2 minutes, 45 sit ups in 2 minutes, 2 mile run in less than 19:45 to pass.  once that is done, i will begin to prepare for my first 5k at the end of september with my church.  i am excited.
thinking about: i hate being sick.  cameron has been sick and now i am sick; aint nobody got time for that! 
no pictures - i put up a couple of us at the city market on fb that were great.