dry

as one of those people who is essentially a full time working single mother, my goal was to breast feed for 6 months.  but honestly, i know it's the best thing and also *free*, so i was willing to go a year; but i didn't know how difficult it might possibly be so i reasoned with my pregnant self that 6 months was a nice realistic goal.  so on came little man and his high palate and my short fuze and our inability to latch.  as familiar as i am with my level of patience, especially in difficult and sleep-deprived situations, within the first 2 days home from the hospital, i made the commanding decision to pump exclusively instead of fighting the tearful battle of the boob.  once the choice was made, i felt better enough not to be frustrated and my guilt was extremely minimal.  after all - he was still getting the goods, just not directly from me.  and so my intimate relationship with the pump began.  15 minutes every 2 hours, then every 3 hours, then every 5 hrs has now - over the weekend - turned into every 12 hrs.  well... ok.  i have maybe 2 weeks (maybe) worth in the freezer, and he's had formula before with no issues, so that won't be a tough transition, but it still makes me a little sad.  it's a conflicted feeling actually, on one hand i'm pretty stoked to get that time back.  now i can put him to bed and continue getting myself ready for the next day and NOT have to go back in his nursery to pump before i go to sleep.  i also did NOT bring my pump to work today for the first time in 7 months, which means that i do NOT have to sit in the nasty little basement bathroom at work used by the technology department with the stolen conference room chair placed there just for me so that people can walk by and knock on the door while i sit there pumping for 15 minutes trying to pretend like there isn't someone standing just outside the door listening (yea, that's not been weird/frustrating... ever...).  so yes, while i am a little sad that i won't be providing the best thing for him anymore, i am overall pretty happy to have my body back.  and i feel good about the fact that at least he had it for his first 8 months.  for a working mom, i think that's pretty good.
on another note, we had family pictures taken during our hellish week in wichita at the beginning of october.  they turned out quite a bit better than i thought they would, but if you're bored or need a good laugh, go ahead and take a look at the link.  if you are familiar with my family, as you probably are, you'll get a kick out of the grandma camacho situation, also big cameron has some pretty funny faces, especially while little cameron is screaming bloody murder.  classic.  mom and dad have some SUPER cute pictures though.  so yea, i look forward to your feedback on that magical evening.  also, the picture where little cameron has 'given up on life' (you'll know it when you see it) - charles wants to turn it into one of those demotivational posters.  any suggestions?  :)

choosing

i just came across a phrase in reading a beautiful friend's blog and it stuck out to me: choosing to be joyful.  what a difficult thing!  it sounds simple enough but it sure isn't!  the last couple of weeks i feel that i'm just barely holding my head above water.  my choices more closely resemble: choosing to wake up today, choosing to eat at least two or three times, choosing to put one foot in front of the other, etc.  like most people, i hate to admit my struggles.  i hate to admit that i don't have the strength to do what needs to be done, and i hate to limit the term "needs".  why is it that we expect so much of ourselves?  maybe if we eased up a bit on ourselves it wouldnt be so difficult to overcome our expectations and just simply be happy with what life shovels at us from day to day.  but again - if it was as easy as that, we probably wouldn't need therapists.  or chocolate.  or moms.  (not listed in order of importance, by the way - mom.)
so maybe i can make "choosing to be joyful" the big goal and depending on the heap of the day i might just "choose to be" or maybe even just "choose".  then i can maybe feel like i'm accomplishing something or making forward movement of some kind.  today is definitely a 'choose' day, it's looking that the rest of the week will continue much the same.  who am i kidding... the rest of the MONTH will continue that way.  but it's something.  keep on keepin on, i say.  and work off the chocolate later...