trudging

To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.

anyone else feel like that?  i sure have been lately.  charles has been working so hard lately to get the house as fixed up as possible before he leaves that we're both left pretty much financially screwed.  financially, i feel like we're on one of those fair rides that's the big huge viking boat that goes back and forth until you inevitably get stuck upsidedown with your coins falling out of your pockets, every major organ lodged at the top of your skull and the overwhelming urge to throw up all while convincing yourself that you must be having a good time because after all, this is a ride - and rides are supposed to be fun. 
charles' grandfather has also unexpectedly passed away, this last saturday.  thankfully, i got the call friday evening that he had fallen and was on life support; charles was able to leave work and get there before the machines were turned off.  he has since been with his family navigating some waters that are extremely difficult and i hate that he is doing it alone.  i'll be heading that way after work today and am anxious to be with him. 
this last few days apart and with extremely minimal contact have been rough for me.  they are a fairly good indication of how i will cope when he leaves for korea and it scares the hell out of me because i do not think i'm coping as well as i should be.  much depends on my strength, and it is not an option for me to be weak when he leaves.  or now, for that matter, although it's happening.  (at least in my opinion)  but i'll figure it out.  i have a couple of great and attentive friends here who are ready to help with whatever i need and i have resigned myself to the fact that i will need to suck up my pride and ask them from time to time.  my parents will be life savers, of course, and i am eternally greatful that i can count on them for anything.  so i'm piecing things together slowly.  i have just a couple more months to put a plan in place that will put my and charles' mind at ease before he goes.  it's amazing how overwhelming life can be.
on a much happier note - a couple very very good friends of ours were in town this week to visit.  that made me very happy.