the other side

well ok, i had been  pretty turned off on the whole blogging thing.  but here i sit at work being bored; plus i do have a new follower - so i figured 'what the hay!'.  so here are my reflections on life in the last week since our big baby news became known to the general public:
at first it was all fun and games, really.  i had a BLAST seeing everyone's reaction.  favorites were the screamers, followed closely by the cryers.  also entertaining was going to church with mom and dad on sunday and watching them stop every single person who met their eye afterwards to tell them that they are going to be grandparents.  given the fact that this announcement came on the weekend of the 1 year anniversary of the loss of grandma kelly - it was so wonderful to have a reason to gather everyone together for some happy times. 
so from there, the next source of joy was the facebook announcement.  my goodness have people said some nice things!  i've gone back a couple of times and read through all the comments and well-wishes and cried like a hormonal idiot.
and all throughout all of this, my absolute favorite part has been hearing charles talk about it.  he's not a touchy feely person, amazingly enough.  and although i rescheduled my last sonogram appointment specifically to accomodate his schedule because i wanted him to make sure he could have the chance to hear the dr tell us that everything is fine, listen to the heartbeat, and see the little booger jumping around - he didnt really have any reaction to ANY of it... at least not in front of me.. on purpose..  BUT, i find myself lingering close by when he is on the phone or othewise talking to someone because mr. stone face buford is in fact quite elated!  well, i knew he was, but i wanted to see/hear it for myself.  turns out i just have to ease drop to get it, but whatever.  so anyway *rambling*, i very much enjoy hearing my husband tell his friends about our child's strong heartbeat and about how as soon as the dr put that little wand on my belly he got to see his baby jumping and dancing around in my belly.  that's what i've been waiting for.  and just like everything else i've ever wanted in my life - i've got it.
so now's where we get to "the other side".  w.t.f.   --- 7 or 8 years ago, when the baby-making stage was in full swing for most of my friends, i was single, living at home, going to school, and working full time.  i had the money to spend $300-400 on a baby shower gift and i enjoyed doing it!  i had the money to take people out for pregnant pampering days or whatever the case was.  i wasnt remotely close to having kids of my own and since i was apparently the only one in that boat, i went for it - loving every minute.  i am firmly rooted in the philosophy that if you have money, time, whatever then it is your responsibility to give it to other people.  i prefer to do it anonymously and i dont want anything in return.  it has recently become apparent to me that my grand scheme of not receiving anything back is a joke.  2 people - TWO people, upon first being told that i'm pregnant have already immediately volunteered to do the baby showers.  this was not wholey unexpected, but still: "you're pregnant?!  congratulations *scream*cry*!  i'm gonna do your shower!".  really?  ok...!  and then there's the gifts.  joe and claudia drove 4 1/2 hrs to see me last weekend, brought a butt load of handmade presents and then thanked ME for inviting them.  someone else has offered to give me all of their baby stuff since they wont need it - including swing, play pen with changing table, toys, etc.  not cheap stuff!  and i am not allowed to pay for it.  and then there's my stealth shopper.  i'm 99.9% sure i know who you are, but if you wanted to be publicly thanked by name you would have put a card in the box - so THANK YOU, stealth shopper, for the Dr Sears baby books!  i'm already tearing through the pregnancy one so that i can try to get  a jump on the baby one before april in hopes that i'll have the slightest idea what the hell to do when i squeeze out this kid.  it's just all been so overwhelming! 
i usually refer to karma as something more like paybacks for people who are mean.  i think it's because this allows me to detach myself from the idea that goodness will be repaid in this life.  honestly i'd rather wait for it in the next.  but as a couple of people have reminded me - it's my turn to sit down, shut up, and take it - just as i've been forcing people to do all these years.  i am INCREDIBLY uncomfortable with that, but even more so INCREDIBLY grateful to so many people who love us.  i want to live a life worth passing on, and i want our children to know how many people have loved us.  if for no other reason, than because they should also be giving and loving people.  with a start like this, how can this life inside me NOT be a good person?  wow.  just wow.  thank you all for everything you've done, said, thought, and prayed for.  i will continue to try my best to live a life deserving of all of this.  oh, and charles too.  another bonus overheard quote: "man, this has been amazing.  michelle and i are so blessed."  yep, he said it.  and it's true.