not much to report

there is not much to report from Michelle World lately.  but as i'm sitting here killing time before my cooking class event tonight for work, i figured i might as well blog. 
charles returned from 30 days of exile in oklahoma last thursday.  it has been a lovely, odd, relaxing and frustrating week.  i did not do well without him this last stretch.  i think it is partly due to the fact that i had not yet gotten used to having him back after school (where he was gone for 6 or 8 weeks).  the general rule of thumb is that it takes as many days to get used to the presence of your soldier as days that he was gone.  it's true.  there are levels of adjustment and i can honestly say that we were not really fully adjusted after his last deployment for about a year.  and since we only had 4 weeks after he returned from school before he left again, it was just sort of off.  it was like he disappeared mid-stride and i wasnt really ready for it.  plus we only had 2 days notice before he left.  so consequently i spent the majority of the time without him recently being depressed, stressed, and in varying emotional states.  however, i do not share my burdens with charles for a number of reasons.  not only do i know what he would say, but i don't want to hear him say it; also, i know it will make it more difficult for him to know that i am not doing well.  instead i keep it inside and fight the urge to be resentful of him for things beyond his control - like his job.  nobody's perfect.  so anyway, now that he's back, we're adjusting again, in a lot of ways.
he is deploying again.  soon.  not to cuba.  i'm scared. 
he will begin a fast round of training in the near future and will leave for another 12 months.  my dear, dear God Squad -  you know what's up.  you know how the clock is always ticking over my head.  the ticking gets louder all the time.  but i have faith, and i know i am loved and have excellent support.  i have recently come to the realization that my intentions need to be less selfish.  yes, i still ask for patience; but now i also beg for a way to make it through another deployment without him.  (for both of our sakes, but mostly him)  if this last separation is any indication of how i will do alone, i won't last.  and honestly - charles does not, in any way, deserve to be worried about me when he's doing his job over there.  i have no choice but to get my act together, and fast.  through the grace of God only will i be able to accomplish this, because i know that as a human being, i have no idea how.  i jammed the piss out of my toe last weekend so running shoes are out of the question for now, but i'm thinking the time has seriously come when i need to get into the habit of running every day, even in the morning (which is my nemesis of an idea).   i'm also going to throw myself into my new Willow House business; there is plenty to do around the house and i can do that.  life happens. 
joy to the rest of you!  today is a good day.  the sun is out and the heat has finally let up.