so i'm down with the whole "wait till the time is right", "you're just not ready yet", "it will happen soon/on it's own/etc." thing. i get it, if God wanted me to be a mom, i'd be a mom. but here lately i'm wanting it so badly that it almost makes me cry! yesterday at work i googled "infant photography" and found some random professional photographer in michigan or something that takes the most beautiful pictures of babies and i seriously sat at my desk for about 10 minutes with tears in my eyes looking at these photos. i see the joy in the lives of all my friends with kids and i want that for Charles and me. we're extremely happy and in an awesome place right now in our lives, but i wish God thought it was our turn for that next step! sure i'm not in very good shape physically, and sure we have 2 big car payments right now - but i'm doing better at taking care of myself and we're going to have car payments for the next 5 years, so that's just life. we've been trying since he got home - going on 8 months now. granted, the first 6 months were extremely stressful so i dont think they really count - but all the same, for a brief period of time in those 6 months, i WAS pregnant, so i know it's possible. now life is beautiful and we are stronger than ever and i really think we're ready.... but God's not 100% on board i guess.
next Friday is the feast day of Saint Gerard Majella, the patron saint of motherhood. my good friend Deanna sent me the link to a website about him (http://www.praying4ababy.com/stgerard.html) and i have it bookmarked on my desk at work so when i'm reflecting a lot on it i will click on it and say the prayer for motherhood. i know it will happen eventually, hopefully soon, i'm just getting impatient. the military lifestyle isnt the greatest for continual stress-free baby making. charles will likely be gone for a couple months after the first of the year for school, and will possibly be gone for longer for something else and then we would move, so i feel like every month that passes is one more month of failure and brings us one month close to a period of time apart, during which no baby making will happen.
sorry to rant and rave, i'm just thinking about it a lot lately. if it occurs to you, say some prayers. thanks all. :)
1 comment:
so sorry you lost a little one, but now you have an intersessor for your family. we lost our first and sometimes i pray for him to get his brothers some extra graces. it's so hard and yet so amazing how God strengthens and molds us. and i do pray for you and charles when i think of you.
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