May

Out the window - sunny and beautiful. it was in the 50s earlier in the week and in the 80s by the end. why not!
wearing - disguisatory black pants/shirt with an even further disguisatory cardigan.

big boy - sassy mcsasserson has been getting in trouble a lot for his mouth! between the uncharted waters of high emotions and the knowledge of better self-expression, it's been a rough couple of months for mr. Cameron. but we're working through it and somewhat succeeding at being loving parents instead of snarling rage-monsters who give in to their first instinct to bite at every piece of bait offered. it's a work in progress. beyond all that, he's doing really well. he only wears a diaper at night. he doesn't have any dry diapers yet, so I really don't know what the signal is for moving away from that. any thoughts? he's still a super sweet boy and takes very good care of his little brother. he's very good at comforting him and making him laugh or distracting him while I'm changing a diaper, etc. it's quite magical. they also scold each other, which is annoying but mostly hilarious. and "BROTHER!!!!" is often heard loudly through the house with varying degrees of linguistic command. makes my heart happy. :)

little boy - also pretty sassy, but more so with actions than words. if ever there was a kid who was a little turkey, it is my lukey. he will *sometimes* give me hugs and very rarely kisses, Charles is lucky to get either, and Ms. Kim at daycare is pretty much on equal footing with me. he used to hug Cameron goodnight, but now he just wants to be chased down and knocked to the ground and have a hug wrestled out of him. not even lying. and none of the other 3 of us usually have the energy for that nonsense. he is talking a lot more and we're all working to reinforce the manners. again. we just got the paperwork yesterday that he will be transitioning into his next classroom at the end of the month, so that will be fun! his Ms. Kim was quite devastated though. but in this new room they will work on potty training and his language will really take off! he will be in there with 18mo -3 yr olds, so it will bring a whole lot of changes in our house this summer I'm sure.

in the kitchen - minimal inspiration lately. I made an obnoxious amount of a goulash kind of situation a couple days ago and have 2 servings left. tonight I think we'll clean up some more leftovers and then tomorrow I will come up with something new to cook since it is my off day from the gym. this weekend my and charles' moms will be up, so i'll need to have something worked up.

crafting - yea, no. I moved lucas' almost-finished baby quilt from his room out to the dining room this weekend while cleaning in hopes that I might finish it soonish.

reading - chipping away at that big 7-book jane Austin collection that Charles got me. I finished sense and sensibility over the weekend and am now on P & P. it's really nice to read the stories and compare the difference from the movies and especially with P & P I'm happy to have a copy without someone else's notes all over it! My other copy was a used book from WSU that was written all over by people who often had no idea what was going on. pretty annoying.

bringing me joy - Charles has started up with online college classes, we're in week 2. not only am I really excited about that just to get it going, but also we are doing it together. I will be doing some of the classes and he will be doing others so that we can knock them out faster and divide and conquer. but this first one is an orientation class of sorts and we have been spending time every night working side by side. it makes me happy. it's not the ideal way to spend time together, but it is a way and I'm grateful for it. another source of joy is training and gym time. I've not yet officially signed up for the KC Half, but I am training for it. this weekend I will attempt my first run with the Leavenworth running club that I have just discovered/joined. I have a loooong way to go.

thinking about - said adventures with the running club. running, in general, causes me an unneccesary and irrational amount of anxiety. I'm actively working to overcome it, but it has been a fight and continues to be one. one of the many reasons why I am highly motivated to run half marathons - I am determined to beat my fear, however ridiculous it is.
also thinking about the job situation. I applied for another one last night that I am confident I will not get. ugh. there are so many conflicting emotions about the whole situation. and now Cameron's education is thrown into the mix. he is approved for a spot in the preschool on post for next year, but that is only an option if I am an employee of the district. if I get a job in the middle of the school year, he will no longer be able to attend, but he will also have missed his shot to start at the preschool in the CDC (which is the backup plan right now). he will be able to start on post for kindergarten, so it's not like it's a total loss. I just don't want him to have to switch programs mid-year. so I feel that I either have to get a job over the summer or wait till after the school year, and that's not a good financial alternative for my family. adulting is crap.
picture: monkey see, monkey do. :)

the kid that's hard to love

please somebody tell me that I'm not alone here. I love my kids completely, they are amazing. but that little one of mine is the MASTER of pushing my buttons and honestly, sometimes it's a real struggle to keep it together! have you ever had someone in your life who seemed to bring out the worst in you? every mean thing you could think of to say, every uncharitable thought or sarcastic, short-fused reaction that occurs to you will undoubtedly come out around this person. doug r. was that person for me in high school. I am still ashamed at some of the things I said to that poor kid for no reason at all. and I fear that my lukey will be another of those people if I let my guard down. he seems to bring out the worst of my parenting far too often.
granted, I fully acknowledge that I have some issues of my own. it does not take much to make me angry, and I allow quite a few insignificant things to effect me negatively. but holy crap! this is a kid who does. not. listen. almost every attempt at discipline is met with laughter, an increase in the behavior, or is just plain ignored. consequently, most of my time with him seems to be him terrorizing everyone and me trying very hard not to be clenched up just waiting for the next thing he does that will drive me nuts.
diaper changes: 90% of the time I have to pin him to the ground with my left leg while he lays perpendicular to my body and I keep a death grip on the ankles of his kicking (hard!) legs so that I can do my thing, all while he laughs like a loon or is otherwise screaming because he can't do whatever he wants to do. I am terrified that by my trying to hold him down so that I can change or dress him without him flailing in his own poop or running away I will accidentally leave a mark on his body and the daycare will call social services on me or something. sometimes it seems like EVERYTHING with him is this complicated. when we're all in the kitchen and I'm trying to get food ready or clean and he has to be up my butt or hanging on to my pants yanking them down, etc. meals are always stressful because he throws food, upturns his drink to play in it, or the new one is to use his waffle like a Kleenex, then rub the whole snotty/waffle/peanut butter mess in his hair before generously offering it to or throwing it at me with the gleeful exclamation of "eeewww! yucky!!".
I don't know, I'm sure I'm over-dramatizing it. he's really been getting to me lately and I'm starting to feel like it will always be this hard even though I know that's not true. on the flip side of all the craziness, he really is a sweet boy. he loves his brother and the dogs and is really talking up a storm. he likes to play games and wrestle and I swear that his smile is the source of all sunshine. he's just a tornado. a beautiful and devastating tornado to all things calm. I'm terrified to see what kind of teenager he will be. in the meantime, i'll just continue to do the best I can to avoid getting myself sent to prison and ride it out! but any words of wisdom for dealing with difficult kids would be greatly appreciated.

i am about to fall asleep at my desk

I'm in that post-lunch coma part of my day and my current project is almost as boring and repetitive as anything could possibly be. so maybe a blog post will keep me from slamming my face on my keyboard.
my goodness, where have the last couple of months gone?! I find myself often referring to my stage of life as a "season". so I'm quite entrenched in the season of life that makes me simultaneously elated and miserable/exhausted and enthused/in awe and in such deep amounts of stress that I don't know how I function. I'm sure you can relate. life is good, it really is a lot of fun. but hard. man is it hard sometimes! for the sake of direction - journal:
out the window - overcast and chilly. it was in the 70s this weekend though, which is quite lovely for February. I'm still waiting for the shoe to drop and that 8 inches of snow to dump down and provide me with a snow day off work.
wearing - black pants (the balloon-butt, too shorty kahkis have finally gone away!!), black shirt and red sweater. whatever.
little boy - lukey jabbers on like a monkey! he's in that super fun stage where he knows a LOT of words but can only say a fraction of them. so asking him to do something is generally pretty effective because he's so happy that he knows what you're talking about. :) he's started with the "MIIIIIIIINE" business though, which is not so adorable. so lessons in sharing all around. he was sick for the whole week a couple weeks back, so we got some good snuggle time. between teething and an ear infection, he was having a rough time. but it seems to have leveled out now for the most part.
big boy - mr. Cameron turns FOUR next month! goodness gracious this kid is a hoot. he is just the sweetest boy and so smart. he has recently earned himself the nickname of Prince Charming at school for insisting to help one of his teachers put on her shoe. and praise the lord, he finally eliminates all bodily functions in the toilet!!! he's had some accidents at school because he is too busy playing, but for the most part he does very well. the next step will be no diapers at night, but I don't think that's coming any time soon and I'm not in a huge hurry about it. all the same, any pointers would be great.
cooking - steaks on the grill this last weekend, so that's what we're having tonight for leftovers. spaghetti and turkey meatballs tomorrow. I caught a great sale on chicken at dillons a while back, so I might thaw out some of the quarters and make sweet potato fries.
crafting - Charles has volunteered me to make some seat cushions for his office, so if we can both manage to keep ourselves together next weekend we will get to a fabric shop and try to make that happen.
reading - I'm on the last book of the outlander series. noooooo!!!! there is another one in production but it will be a while. I downloaded some books to my tablet because the play store had a lot of classic novels for free, but I've had an incredibly annoying eye twitch for a good month now and I am not too eager to top my 8 hrs of work screen time with another lump of screen time at home just to read a book. I don't know that it's any better on screen vs. an actual book, but it makes me feel like it is, so I'm going with that.
bringing me joy - my husband and our shenanigans. and of course the boys. I'm also planning a spring break adventure in the exotic Wichita area for a couple days and really looking forward to it. it will also include a side trip to OKC to meet up with Claudia, so that makes me very happy. plus at the start of that week we'll have a house full of people we love to celebrate Cameron's birthday, so family time is always excellent.
thinking about - a family of friends from church lost their home to a fire last week. how do you begin to recover from that? I have a couple of ideas how to help, and I am, but I'm just wishing I could do more. they are a family of 6, which includes grandparents and two elementary-aged children. 2 of the 6 are fully handicapped and both the husband and wife are veterans. there's just a lot going on in their lives, I can't imagine how devastating that is all around.
I've mentioned it before, but I continue to be effected by the marital troubles of people I know. it just makes me sad to see people hating each other and regarding their spouse with such little respect. maybe it's because we've had our share of troubles and I know how difficult it is to live in an environment without a whole lot of consistent peace, but it just makes my heart hurt to see the depths to which people will go to be hateful, or maybe I should say the small amount of action people will take to work to fix it. inaction. deliberate inaction. I don't get it.
the job situation: I have applied for a couple more positions and still haven't heard anything. I will continue to apply. I'm really hoping that this summer there might be some more options when people around here move away. lord knows that the prospect of another summer working here with those terrible hours is NOT appealing.
picture - do I have the coolest kids ever? yes. yes I do.