Ms.Gwartney's class

i dont talk a lot about my job, mostly because it's not really interesting.  i am an administrative assistant for the special education department which covers 2 school districts.  i push papers, send emails and can make a mean spreadsheet.  i've never worked in a school district or had anything to do with special education (not counting one of my previous managers...).  so this job has given me a pretty healthy dose of ignorance and i am doing my best to muddle through as i learn new acronyms and laws, etc. 
well today i had occasion to visit a class at one of our elementary schools.  the teacher, ms. gwartney, and i have corresponded via emails often for various requests and she has invited me a number of times to walk over to her classrooms.  i have put it off for a couple of months because truth be told, i was scared of what i would see.  her class contains the most severely disabled kids in the county.  all are nonverbal and for the most part immoble. 
she took me around the room and introduced me to each student.  obviously they were all completely adorable.  the first one, a little boy, is 13.  he has cerbal palsey and was folded up in a swing of sorts with headphones on chewing on a teething toy and moaning to himself.  he looked to be content, although the teacher explained that he was a bit fussy because he didnt feel well.  last friday, in this class of 6 kids, they had 11 incidences of diarreha that soaked through clothes.  this one little boy alone had a gran mal seizure which caused him to throw up and soil himself and the swing while also rendering himself unconscious for about 30 minutes, during which time the teacher had to hold him. 
another little girl was sitting at a table staring intently out of her right eye into a plastic ball that lights up.  when the teacher called her name to introduce her to me, she turned to stare at me with that right eye while her left eye was completely clouded over and pointing a different direction.
the little guy i was most anxious to meet is sean.  i did a feature on sean for the district newsletter.  two years ago, the post newspaper did a story on sean and his family because the make-a-wish foundation had granted him what they believed to be his wish: a trip to disney world.  sean can not speak or walk and only recently has he been able to somewhat feed himself.  he has an extremely rare brain disease, among other things, that is pretty much progressively turning his brain into mashed potatos.  yet somehow, in this classroom, he has made some pretty extrodinary progress.  as i say, he's mostly off the feeding tube and is more responsive than he used to be, he can sign a couple of things.  sean's condition is such that he was only given 4-5 years of life - total.  he is 5.  when his teacher asked about the newsletter feature to find out when i would be sending it, i told her that it would go out today.  "good!", she said.  "his dad is leaving for deployment next week."  ..........can you imagine?  there have got to be so many "what if's" in that house that i wonder how there is any room left for the people! 
students aside, the teacher herself is clearly someone special.  you don't often see people who love their job as much as she does.  she told me that she retired from another school district after 35 years only to return to this district to do the same work 4 years ago.  she glows.  truly, she glows.  she sees God every day in these poor sweet kids and there is not a single doubt in her mind that her day is as full of love and service as it possibly could be.  to me, that room was full of intensity and fear; to her - love.  it's just amazing.

ok ok ok

so yes, i apologize for my pissy rant in the last post.  thank you for reading and thank you for not calling me a crazy loser bitch.  i could easily blame hormones but that just seems like cheating.
after much time snuggling with an ice pack, my back improved.  still have no idea what was wrong.  many people have recommended the chiropractor but frankly i can't afford it so whenever things get sore, i bust out the heating pad and hope for the best.  today is the first day of the 3rd trimester, and if it goes as quickly as the last 2, which it will, then this will all be over soon and i will then embark upon a whole new set of issues i'm sure. 
my friend katie has made it to her destination.  she said goodbye to her family just befor new years and is now adjusting to life in one of the absolute worst places anyone could be in a country full of people who want to kill her - afganistan.  it scares the hell out of me.  her most recent FB status update was simply: "this sucks".   obviously, i am often upset by and disgusted with the serious disconnect that so many people have with the military.  as my wise mother pointed out - people do not take the time to familiarize themselves with an aspect of life taht does not relate to them.  this is so true.  in my mind, i need to cut everyone a lot more slack than i do.  just because something is so important to me does not mean that it should be important to everyone else.  *sigh*  i'm not sure if this train of thought makes me a selfish or self-less person by wanting everyone else to share my enthusiasm for the military life; but i suspect that considering the fact that i even have to ponder that distinction makes it a selfish thought.  perhaps i should try to use this space as it was intended - a place to share these random thoughts and less of a place to preach them.  alas, i am "a crazy pregnant lady" (as i was called a number of times in the past couple of weeks).  i can only hope that this will pass and i can once again reel in my tounge because quite frankly, pregnancy makes me mean.
our 2 weeks in wichita were passed beautifully.  there was much time spent in pjs and taking naps.  i have developed such an appreciation for charles' family - they are so awesome!  they are all so loving and accepting, the more time i spend with them the more grateful i am for their love in my life and they show me so much about the type of person i should be more often than i am.  (follow that?)  it's much easier to be judgemental, but brings so much more happiness to just love unconditionally.  and for the sake of fair representation - we had a lovely time with my parents also.  they both enjoyed "belly watch 2011" and got to participate in belly karate practice.  we missed cameron terribly.  he was in washington with his wife and her daughter, so he probably wasn't really missing us much though.  i did get a "happy new years chunks" text and a brief text-versation ensued during which he addressed me as "pregnosaurus", which was pretty awesome.  but we hope to see him in september for the air show.  the rotation seems to be about 3 days together every 2 years.  as my own little family becomes more present in my life, i find myself missing the rest of my family even more.  but anyway, once i download the pictures i took over break from my camera i will try to give a more comprehensive account of our activities for the last couple of weeks. 

ouch and a rant

i have somehow managed to hurt my back, just below my left shoulder blade.  combine that loveliness with the fact that i can't do more than take 2 tylonol (which are doing absolutely nothing btw), it hurt so bad i couldnt sleep for the last 2 nights, and i'm hungry all the time - today is not a super happy day.  if i thought i would feel better from home, i would totally leave work right now but the only thing that would accomplish is a smaller paycheck, which i can't afford.  *pissy*
being the pissy person that i am, shamelessly rambling on a blog that apparently no one reads, i'm going to acknowledge that fact and accept the conclusion that apparently i don't care because i havent yet deleted it.  perhaps having a forum to rant is ok, or perhaps i'm just too lazy to do what i would perceive as "rocking the boat" by dropping off the face of the earth to some people.  either way, i choose not to make that decision in my current state of painful pissiness. 
on another mostly unrelatable note - one of the many friends who have moved away inthe last year came over last night for dinner.  our friend is preparing for another deployment, perhaps # 3?  i'm not sure.  either way, at some point in the next month or so, SHE will be saying goodbye to her husbandand THREE children (all under the age of 5) and heading to afganistan.  i'm terrified for her.  charles and i were talking last night and even though she is going to the worst possible place anyone could go, even within that country, she is rediculously excited about it and looks forward to "seeing some action" (her words).  there is no better type of person to have in that situation protecting us, but i hate that it has to be her.  but she wouldnt be as amazing as she is if she didnt love it the way she does.  they are one of the best families i know, certainly one of the strongest.  and charles is just the same.  as we sat at the table eating our enchaladas last night, they were talking about her training and the types of things she will be doing.  they both had serious stars in their eyes and charles' jealousy at her "real army" experiences was palpable.  i love that about him and as scary as it is to even ponder that he could just as easily be in her shoes, i wish that for him.  he is so proud of his service and he was made to do what he does, but the thought that he could go his entire career without "seeing that action" makes me sad for him.  he deserves more than he has and he's earned the right to those opportunities.  these soldiers that i know and love, they don't just work for a promotion, they LIVE as soldiers in hopes of having the chance to give 200% of themselves for our country and the people they love.  that's not just a tag line - that's the truth.  they put ontheir uniform every day, they commute to a job, they work 8, 10, 12, 16 hr days, they commute home and spend a bit of time with their families and they do it againthe next day.  they do their thing every day just hoping and waiting for the piece of paper that will tell them that it's their turn to go to the other side of the world, eat powdered eggs and MREs, sleep on a cot in the sand and miss out ona year with their families.  they're not all that great - but the ones i love truely are.  if you dont have people like that in your world, in your social sphere, i feel sorry for you.  if you dont have close friends like that, it's a shame.  sure - you know good husbands and fathers and spiritual people and friends.  but i get to know people who are all those things PLUS soldiers.  yep - i'm totally bragging, and i dont care if it offends you.  (see?  still pissy)  i could say that i hope that you DO get to be close to someone like that at some point, but even that doesnt really matter too much.  because they will be there for you whether or not you are there for them.  always.

little boy parts

and so came the fateful words from the sonogram tech: "you see that?"  (how could you not?!)
as charles is simultaneously fist pumping, hugging my mom AND doing some sort of seated end zone victory dance, i am on a table covered in goo staring at a screen while my world of pink frilly things and shopping trips is crumbling around me.  a boy.  what the hell do i do with a little boy?  i didnt realize how much i had my mind wrapped around a girl until i learned that he is not, in fact, a girl.  i'll admit, it took me about a week to truly wrap my mind around it and even so i am feeling more clueless than i would have with a girl - or maybe i just imagine that would-be feeling of serenity and in reality i would be clueless either way.  (which is probably closer to the truth)  so regardless - the casa buford has moved forward with the knowledge that there will be a son. 

thanks to a random story told to charles by one of his coworkers who was quite aggessively made to watch the original star wars trilogy back to back without bathroom brakes as a young girl by her father, charles has decided against an all-out star wars themed nursery for fear of brain washing our son.  although that would have been fun and would have given the room a more identifiable theme, i'm not really complaining.  also, due to a series of not so enjoyable "discussions", the all brown walls are now brown on the bottom and light green on the top with white trim and the colors will be separated by a white chair rail when we can afford to buy it.  one of my friends is buying us our crib, which will be white, and i am on the hunt for some fabric to re-cover the burnt orange chair and otoman purchased new in 1970-something by my parents.  i am pleased with the room, partly because it is bright and pretty and partly because that is really an extremely small matter to me in relation to the tasks ahead.  despite my attempt at a healthy compromise, charles still hates it.  it's generally best not to discuss the topic of the nursery in our house so i try to avoid it or at least talk about it with my back turned or as i'm walking away so as not to see the looks or hear the comments.  it's a bit ostrage-y of me but i dont particularly care.  i know it will look really cute when it's done, even if it's a bit odd now.  i am very much hoping to find a nice fabric though, not only for the chair but so that i can make a valance, crib skirt and maybe a bit of a blanket out of it.  so we'll see. 

<~~~ is the color scheme and fabric choice i am ideally looking for.  the green is the right color for the walls.  so i'm just searching for the green fabric at this point.

this is the general idea of the walls only with the lighter green and we have carpet instead of hardwood ~~~~>

so yea, that's what's up with the nursery.  as far as me - i'm ok.  i have started to feel him move more which is fun.  he's a major squirmer, for the sonogram and trying to find his heartbeat at each appointment.  i chose not to get the downs syndrom, etc. blood tests at my last appointment because none of that runs in our family and realistically, there's not anything we could do about it if he has either of them so we might as well not know.  but from what the sonogram tech said, everything looks great.  i have an appointment today so i'll hopefully hear more now that the doctor has looked at the images. 

i'm definitely getting bigger and i'm having a good time with that.  as expected, i am very much enjoying the fact that my belly is finally huge for a reason and that it is socially acceptable for me to have one.  i no longer have to spend a couple of days feeling down on myself when someone asks me when i'm due - now i can just tell them!  :)  sleep is an elusive friend most nights, i have lots of weird dreams - some funny, some creepy.  i'm hungry all the time and have trouble fitting into clothes.  i'm down to 1 pair of work pants which are still pretty uncomfortable.  but hopefull soon i can get more.  i did score a bunch of shirts and a pair of those super sexy jeans that go up to your boobs a couple weeks ago at a thrift shop. 

so yea, overall life is good.  we spend our evenings and weekends being as lazy as possible and the dogs have taken to following me around constantly just waiting for me to sit down so they can lay on me and rest their heads on my belly.  it's pretty cute and i'm looking forward to when the baby kicks them in the face just cause their reactions will be pretty awesome.  let's hope they continue to enjoy him as much once he's out as they do now. 

charles ear & a glimer of hope for a cute boy nursery

so charles had his big hearing test this morning and i am DE-LIGHTED to announce that he has passed!!  he BARELY passed, but it's a pass none the less.  you may recall that his is the man who spent january-july deaf as a post in his right ear.  surgery #2 gave him titanium surgical implants in his ear and he has slowly been regaining hearing since.  had he failed this test, the process would have begun to chapter him out of the military and life (insurance, income, everything...) as we know it would end.  needless to say, it was a bit of a stressful morning.  but we're in the clear now, at least for a bit.  his regular-toned hearing is perfect but lower decibles are non-existent for him.  on that ground alone, the doctor could have submitted the paperwork to end his career but thankfully since his "regular" hearing was so good, he cut him some slack and removed all profiles and cleared him for duty.  he is required to have the tubes in his ears replaced yearly as preventative maintenance, and should he not do well on ANY other hearing test in the future, he's done for.  but luckily they usually only do hearing tests every couple of years.  WHEW!!!


so in my last post i said that if we're having a boy there will be star wars decorations in the nursery.  in my attempt at time wasting/desperate searching for a way to make that cute, i came across an artist who does the COOLEST star wars nursery stuff.  yes, people really do that... apparently...  i showed it to charles and he too liked it.  so now i'm not so learly of a lame-ish boy nursery anymore.  http://www.jameshance.com/wookiee-the-chew.html

how friggen cute is that?!!?!  hahah!!!

pay no attention to the whale in the bedroom

so now that my 29 years of stomach sleeping has officially gone to the crapper, our nights have become a bit more wild, but not in a fun way...  sunday night was particularly turbulent, which led to a colorful and HALARIOUS "discussion" from charles.  heheheh, it still makes me laugh.  luckily for both of us, i am not like 99% of other pregnant women with serious body image issues and overly hormonal outbursts because when aspersions were cast about feelings related to attempting to sleep with a restless hump backed whale in the bed next to you, i couldnt help but laugh!  it's pretty much true.  and i certainly can't fault the guy for being frustrated by my huffy and frequent trips to the bathroom and my inability to lie still.  neither of us are sleeping well when all i do is flop around.  perhaps we should have sprung for that king sized mattress afterall! 
in the mean time, i am trying to work with some strategic placement of an extra pillow in hopes that i can manage to both sleep well AND avoid crowding him out.  he has already mentioned taking up residence on the couch for the next few months but i am vehemently opposed.  there are already enough times when we are unable to sleep next to each other, depending on the whims of good ol uncle sam, and i'm sure as hell not going to let him give up any more nights voluntarily!  but last night went well with the pillow (or maybe we were both just too tired to move/care).  so hopefully as the whale expands, things continue to remain tranquil-ish.

and just for the sake of putting pictures on a blog:

the walls in the nursery will be brown like this.  charles HATES it, but in his wisdom and grace, he has allowed it anyway.  my mom says that guys generally have problems picturing the finished product.  i think that's probably true because from the look on charles' face whenever he talks about it, you'd think i'm trying to make our child sleep in a giant colon.  but oh well...   if we are having a girl, the finished product will look similar to these photos.  per our agreement, if we are having a boy, charles will be placing the bulk of his collection of star wars toys around the room and the nursery will therefore be decorated in star wars.  yet another reason i'm really hoping for a girl... 

the other side

well ok, i had been  pretty turned off on the whole blogging thing.  but here i sit at work being bored; plus i do have a new follower - so i figured 'what the hay!'.  so here are my reflections on life in the last week since our big baby news became known to the general public:
at first it was all fun and games, really.  i had a BLAST seeing everyone's reaction.  favorites were the screamers, followed closely by the cryers.  also entertaining was going to church with mom and dad on sunday and watching them stop every single person who met their eye afterwards to tell them that they are going to be grandparents.  given the fact that this announcement came on the weekend of the 1 year anniversary of the loss of grandma kelly - it was so wonderful to have a reason to gather everyone together for some happy times. 
so from there, the next source of joy was the facebook announcement.  my goodness have people said some nice things!  i've gone back a couple of times and read through all the comments and well-wishes and cried like a hormonal idiot.
and all throughout all of this, my absolute favorite part has been hearing charles talk about it.  he's not a touchy feely person, amazingly enough.  and although i rescheduled my last sonogram appointment specifically to accomodate his schedule because i wanted him to make sure he could have the chance to hear the dr tell us that everything is fine, listen to the heartbeat, and see the little booger jumping around - he didnt really have any reaction to ANY of it... at least not in front of me.. on purpose..  BUT, i find myself lingering close by when he is on the phone or othewise talking to someone because mr. stone face buford is in fact quite elated!  well, i knew he was, but i wanted to see/hear it for myself.  turns out i just have to ease drop to get it, but whatever.  so anyway *rambling*, i very much enjoy hearing my husband tell his friends about our child's strong heartbeat and about how as soon as the dr put that little wand on my belly he got to see his baby jumping and dancing around in my belly.  that's what i've been waiting for.  and just like everything else i've ever wanted in my life - i've got it.
so now's where we get to "the other side".  w.t.f.   --- 7 or 8 years ago, when the baby-making stage was in full swing for most of my friends, i was single, living at home, going to school, and working full time.  i had the money to spend $300-400 on a baby shower gift and i enjoyed doing it!  i had the money to take people out for pregnant pampering days or whatever the case was.  i wasnt remotely close to having kids of my own and since i was apparently the only one in that boat, i went for it - loving every minute.  i am firmly rooted in the philosophy that if you have money, time, whatever then it is your responsibility to give it to other people.  i prefer to do it anonymously and i dont want anything in return.  it has recently become apparent to me that my grand scheme of not receiving anything back is a joke.  2 people - TWO people, upon first being told that i'm pregnant have already immediately volunteered to do the baby showers.  this was not wholey unexpected, but still: "you're pregnant?!  congratulations *scream*cry*!  i'm gonna do your shower!".  really?  ok...!  and then there's the gifts.  joe and claudia drove 4 1/2 hrs to see me last weekend, brought a butt load of handmade presents and then thanked ME for inviting them.  someone else has offered to give me all of their baby stuff since they wont need it - including swing, play pen with changing table, toys, etc.  not cheap stuff!  and i am not allowed to pay for it.  and then there's my stealth shopper.  i'm 99.9% sure i know who you are, but if you wanted to be publicly thanked by name you would have put a card in the box - so THANK YOU, stealth shopper, for the Dr Sears baby books!  i'm already tearing through the pregnancy one so that i can try to get  a jump on the baby one before april in hopes that i'll have the slightest idea what the hell to do when i squeeze out this kid.  it's just all been so overwhelming! 
i usually refer to karma as something more like paybacks for people who are mean.  i think it's because this allows me to detach myself from the idea that goodness will be repaid in this life.  honestly i'd rather wait for it in the next.  but as a couple of people have reminded me - it's my turn to sit down, shut up, and take it - just as i've been forcing people to do all these years.  i am INCREDIBLY uncomfortable with that, but even more so INCREDIBLY grateful to so many people who love us.  i want to live a life worth passing on, and i want our children to know how many people have loved us.  if for no other reason, than because they should also be giving and loving people.  with a start like this, how can this life inside me NOT be a good person?  wow.  just wow.  thank you all for everything you've done, said, thought, and prayed for.  i will continue to try my best to live a life deserving of all of this.  oh, and charles too.  another bonus overheard quote: "man, this has been amazing.  michelle and i are so blessed."  yep, he said it.  and it's true.