May

Out the window - sunny and beautiful. it was in the 50s earlier in the week and in the 80s by the end. why not!
wearing - disguisatory black pants/shirt with an even further disguisatory cardigan.

big boy - sassy mcsasserson has been getting in trouble a lot for his mouth! between the uncharted waters of high emotions and the knowledge of better self-expression, it's been a rough couple of months for mr. Cameron. but we're working through it and somewhat succeeding at being loving parents instead of snarling rage-monsters who give in to their first instinct to bite at every piece of bait offered. it's a work in progress. beyond all that, he's doing really well. he only wears a diaper at night. he doesn't have any dry diapers yet, so I really don't know what the signal is for moving away from that. any thoughts? he's still a super sweet boy and takes very good care of his little brother. he's very good at comforting him and making him laugh or distracting him while I'm changing a diaper, etc. it's quite magical. they also scold each other, which is annoying but mostly hilarious. and "BROTHER!!!!" is often heard loudly through the house with varying degrees of linguistic command. makes my heart happy. :)

little boy - also pretty sassy, but more so with actions than words. if ever there was a kid who was a little turkey, it is my lukey. he will *sometimes* give me hugs and very rarely kisses, Charles is lucky to get either, and Ms. Kim at daycare is pretty much on equal footing with me. he used to hug Cameron goodnight, but now he just wants to be chased down and knocked to the ground and have a hug wrestled out of him. not even lying. and none of the other 3 of us usually have the energy for that nonsense. he is talking a lot more and we're all working to reinforce the manners. again. we just got the paperwork yesterday that he will be transitioning into his next classroom at the end of the month, so that will be fun! his Ms. Kim was quite devastated though. but in this new room they will work on potty training and his language will really take off! he will be in there with 18mo -3 yr olds, so it will bring a whole lot of changes in our house this summer I'm sure.

in the kitchen - minimal inspiration lately. I made an obnoxious amount of a goulash kind of situation a couple days ago and have 2 servings left. tonight I think we'll clean up some more leftovers and then tomorrow I will come up with something new to cook since it is my off day from the gym. this weekend my and charles' moms will be up, so i'll need to have something worked up.

crafting - yea, no. I moved lucas' almost-finished baby quilt from his room out to the dining room this weekend while cleaning in hopes that I might finish it soonish.

reading - chipping away at that big 7-book jane Austin collection that Charles got me. I finished sense and sensibility over the weekend and am now on P & P. it's really nice to read the stories and compare the difference from the movies and especially with P & P I'm happy to have a copy without someone else's notes all over it! My other copy was a used book from WSU that was written all over by people who often had no idea what was going on. pretty annoying.

bringing me joy - Charles has started up with online college classes, we're in week 2. not only am I really excited about that just to get it going, but also we are doing it together. I will be doing some of the classes and he will be doing others so that we can knock them out faster and divide and conquer. but this first one is an orientation class of sorts and we have been spending time every night working side by side. it makes me happy. it's not the ideal way to spend time together, but it is a way and I'm grateful for it. another source of joy is training and gym time. I've not yet officially signed up for the KC Half, but I am training for it. this weekend I will attempt my first run with the Leavenworth running club that I have just discovered/joined. I have a loooong way to go.

thinking about - said adventures with the running club. running, in general, causes me an unneccesary and irrational amount of anxiety. I'm actively working to overcome it, but it has been a fight and continues to be one. one of the many reasons why I am highly motivated to run half marathons - I am determined to beat my fear, however ridiculous it is.
also thinking about the job situation. I applied for another one last night that I am confident I will not get. ugh. there are so many conflicting emotions about the whole situation. and now Cameron's education is thrown into the mix. he is approved for a spot in the preschool on post for next year, but that is only an option if I am an employee of the district. if I get a job in the middle of the school year, he will no longer be able to attend, but he will also have missed his shot to start at the preschool in the CDC (which is the backup plan right now). he will be able to start on post for kindergarten, so it's not like it's a total loss. I just don't want him to have to switch programs mid-year. so I feel that I either have to get a job over the summer or wait till after the school year, and that's not a good financial alternative for my family. adulting is crap.
picture: monkey see, monkey do. :)

the kid that's hard to love

please somebody tell me that I'm not alone here. I love my kids completely, they are amazing. but that little one of mine is the MASTER of pushing my buttons and honestly, sometimes it's a real struggle to keep it together! have you ever had someone in your life who seemed to bring out the worst in you? every mean thing you could think of to say, every uncharitable thought or sarcastic, short-fused reaction that occurs to you will undoubtedly come out around this person. doug r. was that person for me in high school. I am still ashamed at some of the things I said to that poor kid for no reason at all. and I fear that my lukey will be another of those people if I let my guard down. he seems to bring out the worst of my parenting far too often.
granted, I fully acknowledge that I have some issues of my own. it does not take much to make me angry, and I allow quite a few insignificant things to effect me negatively. but holy crap! this is a kid who does. not. listen. almost every attempt at discipline is met with laughter, an increase in the behavior, or is just plain ignored. consequently, most of my time with him seems to be him terrorizing everyone and me trying very hard not to be clenched up just waiting for the next thing he does that will drive me nuts.
diaper changes: 90% of the time I have to pin him to the ground with my left leg while he lays perpendicular to my body and I keep a death grip on the ankles of his kicking (hard!) legs so that I can do my thing, all while he laughs like a loon or is otherwise screaming because he can't do whatever he wants to do. I am terrified that by my trying to hold him down so that I can change or dress him without him flailing in his own poop or running away I will accidentally leave a mark on his body and the daycare will call social services on me or something. sometimes it seems like EVERYTHING with him is this complicated. when we're all in the kitchen and I'm trying to get food ready or clean and he has to be up my butt or hanging on to my pants yanking them down, etc. meals are always stressful because he throws food, upturns his drink to play in it, or the new one is to use his waffle like a Kleenex, then rub the whole snotty/waffle/peanut butter mess in his hair before generously offering it to or throwing it at me with the gleeful exclamation of "eeewww! yucky!!".
I don't know, I'm sure I'm over-dramatizing it. he's really been getting to me lately and I'm starting to feel like it will always be this hard even though I know that's not true. on the flip side of all the craziness, he really is a sweet boy. he loves his brother and the dogs and is really talking up a storm. he likes to play games and wrestle and I swear that his smile is the source of all sunshine. he's just a tornado. a beautiful and devastating tornado to all things calm. I'm terrified to see what kind of teenager he will be. in the meantime, i'll just continue to do the best I can to avoid getting myself sent to prison and ride it out! but any words of wisdom for dealing with difficult kids would be greatly appreciated.

i am about to fall asleep at my desk

I'm in that post-lunch coma part of my day and my current project is almost as boring and repetitive as anything could possibly be. so maybe a blog post will keep me from slamming my face on my keyboard.
my goodness, where have the last couple of months gone?! I find myself often referring to my stage of life as a "season". so I'm quite entrenched in the season of life that makes me simultaneously elated and miserable/exhausted and enthused/in awe and in such deep amounts of stress that I don't know how I function. I'm sure you can relate. life is good, it really is a lot of fun. but hard. man is it hard sometimes! for the sake of direction - journal:
out the window - overcast and chilly. it was in the 70s this weekend though, which is quite lovely for February. I'm still waiting for the shoe to drop and that 8 inches of snow to dump down and provide me with a snow day off work.
wearing - black pants (the balloon-butt, too shorty kahkis have finally gone away!!), black shirt and red sweater. whatever.
little boy - lukey jabbers on like a monkey! he's in that super fun stage where he knows a LOT of words but can only say a fraction of them. so asking him to do something is generally pretty effective because he's so happy that he knows what you're talking about. :) he's started with the "MIIIIIIIINE" business though, which is not so adorable. so lessons in sharing all around. he was sick for the whole week a couple weeks back, so we got some good snuggle time. between teething and an ear infection, he was having a rough time. but it seems to have leveled out now for the most part.
big boy - mr. Cameron turns FOUR next month! goodness gracious this kid is a hoot. he is just the sweetest boy and so smart. he has recently earned himself the nickname of Prince Charming at school for insisting to help one of his teachers put on her shoe. and praise the lord, he finally eliminates all bodily functions in the toilet!!! he's had some accidents at school because he is too busy playing, but for the most part he does very well. the next step will be no diapers at night, but I don't think that's coming any time soon and I'm not in a huge hurry about it. all the same, any pointers would be great.
cooking - steaks on the grill this last weekend, so that's what we're having tonight for leftovers. spaghetti and turkey meatballs tomorrow. I caught a great sale on chicken at dillons a while back, so I might thaw out some of the quarters and make sweet potato fries.
crafting - Charles has volunteered me to make some seat cushions for his office, so if we can both manage to keep ourselves together next weekend we will get to a fabric shop and try to make that happen.
reading - I'm on the last book of the outlander series. noooooo!!!! there is another one in production but it will be a while. I downloaded some books to my tablet because the play store had a lot of classic novels for free, but I've had an incredibly annoying eye twitch for a good month now and I am not too eager to top my 8 hrs of work screen time with another lump of screen time at home just to read a book. I don't know that it's any better on screen vs. an actual book, but it makes me feel like it is, so I'm going with that.
bringing me joy - my husband and our shenanigans. and of course the boys. I'm also planning a spring break adventure in the exotic Wichita area for a couple days and really looking forward to it. it will also include a side trip to OKC to meet up with Claudia, so that makes me very happy. plus at the start of that week we'll have a house full of people we love to celebrate Cameron's birthday, so family time is always excellent.
thinking about - a family of friends from church lost their home to a fire last week. how do you begin to recover from that? I have a couple of ideas how to help, and I am, but I'm just wishing I could do more. they are a family of 6, which includes grandparents and two elementary-aged children. 2 of the 6 are fully handicapped and both the husband and wife are veterans. there's just a lot going on in their lives, I can't imagine how devastating that is all around.
I've mentioned it before, but I continue to be effected by the marital troubles of people I know. it just makes me sad to see people hating each other and regarding their spouse with such little respect. maybe it's because we've had our share of troubles and I know how difficult it is to live in an environment without a whole lot of consistent peace, but it just makes my heart hurt to see the depths to which people will go to be hateful, or maybe I should say the small amount of action people will take to work to fix it. inaction. deliberate inaction. I don't get it.
the job situation: I have applied for a couple more positions and still haven't heard anything. I will continue to apply. I'm really hoping that this summer there might be some more options when people around here move away. lord knows that the prospect of another summer working here with those terrible hours is NOT appealing.
picture - do I have the coolest kids ever? yes. yes I do.

hello again - November update

out the window -
it's cold and rainy here. Cameron was excited to get to use his "cumbrella" this morning. they're talking possible snow over the weekend, but only in the 40s for next week so I think we'll just get more cold rain. bring it on!
wearing -
trusty old kahkis and a black shirt with a cardigan. I'm glad not to be a vain person, because I'm pretty sure I look ridiculous with these pants on. I've already let the hem out as far as I can and they're still an inch or two too short. go me.
big boy -
Cameron's language has really taken off the last few weeks and he is quite the conversationalist. I still get a fair amount of sass from him, but not too bad. the bossy stuff is pretty intense though. how does one deal with a bossy kid? is that normal? thoughts welcome. it's like he has to be in control of the situation so he wants to make sure to tell everyone what to do. he's me. I know he's me. I'm definitely not blind to that fact. still wish he would tone it down a bit.
he's gotten really tall lately, which is fun. and he is super sweet. he is the kisser of my hand and random hugs. and he still runs screaming to me when I pick him up as though he hasn't seen me all week. every day. :) it's the best.
he is doing a lot better at school about playing with friends instead of by himself. he talks about his friends at home more too, which is good. and the running has improved quite a bit. some of the facebook suggestions were most helpful.
he went to the dentist for the 2nd time a couple weeks ago and did AMAZINGLY well! I was super worried about it after the last episode, but he totally rocked it. and so I took him out for breakfast afterwards, which was a lot of fun. I need to be better about mommy and Cameron dates, he was the best boy. and since he has his daddy's teeth, the dentist keeps talking about how he will need braces and his teeth are too close together, etc. so the flossing regiment has begun. much to my surprise, it's going really well. never in a million years would I have thought that I could get a 3 yr old to floss, but it totally happens. I got him the little floss pick things and he does the front then I get the back. every day I am amazed that he is going for it. it's hard to believe that he will be 4 in just a few months.
little boy -
Lukey is still the cutest boy in the universe. he got all 4 of his first set of molars in the last couple of weeks, and he's growing. so there have been a lot of cranky evenings and early bed times. we are in the era of fake sneezes again. so that's pretty entertaining. he LOVES light sabers and is fearless. even Cameron won't willingly head down the hall unless the light is on, but not Lucas. in all ways, he lives life at full speed, 100%. it's amazing and I love it! his main goal in life right now is to get ahold of a lightsaber or a sword and swing it around or chase his brother with it or just generally hold it up as high as he can and RUN.
he can say a few words: hush (when the dogs bark), shoes, hi. and he is starting to get into books.
in the kitchen -
other than a huge mess, not much. I made some lasagna last week and thank the lord, i'll be eating the last bit of it for lunch today. tonight we're going to dinner at a friend's house. I have stuff to make tuna and noodles, green chile chicken enchiladas, white bean chicken chili, ham and beans, and roast. Charles will be coming home Saturday evening, so I know roast will be Saturday. I might make the enchiladas Friday so that he can eat hose while he's home too. looking forward to a quiet thanksgiving with the 4 of us.
crafting -
ha!
reading -
still the outlander series. I'm on book 5 or 6 now and still enjoying it.
bringing me joy -
those silly boys. my amazing husband, and knowing that I will get to see him soon! finding ways to keep the spark alive when we're apart for so long.
thinking about -
a lot lately. I know 2 people close to me who are finding themselves in messy divorces. my marriage is in an awesome place right now and it makes me so sad to see people I care about suffering in theirs. I had occasion, through work, to read someone's divorce decree a few months back and it literally made me cry at work to see it all spelled out as relating to custody of the children. thankfully the two people I know do not have kids in the equation, but I'm sure it's certainly painful enough. so sad.
this terrorist stuff can bite me too. right along with the election propaganda. there is such a cycle of negativity and violence. I was thinking about it at Mass this weekend. I want to put on my rose-colored glasses and pray for peace. but that just feels like such a load of B.S. there is evil in the world, it is here for a reason - to bring out the good. I have a really hard time believing that the problems will go away without substantial violence and loss of life. the problem is too big. but the problem is not too big for God. so I will just keep praying that he holds my family and our friends close and gives us the strength to weather whatever comes. because it is coming, that's for sure.
new job. I've started applying for government jobs, quite reluctantly, because we're quickly approaching the time when we can no longer afford for me to stay where I am. I hate it. I applied for one job but did not get it. last night I applied for 2 more. they are jobs as an editor and I REALLY want it! REALLY!! not only is the pay double what I make now, but it would just be a really fun job and would actually allow me to use my degree. it closes on Friday, so hopefully something happens with one of those. I do not want to leave my job, but if I were to get one of the editing positions, I wouldn't feel so bad about leaving here. it wouldn't be leaving for "a job" it would be leaving for "the job". so we'll see. I already told my boss and the superintendent that I had started applying elsewhere. aaaand I cried when I told them. (I really like my job a lot.) *sigh*
picture -
with daddy being gone for so long, we send a lot of pictures. so much so that Cameron now will randomly ask to send a picture to daddy. here is the latest:

journal: september

so my office has moved and I'm now in the very front of the building, entirely too close to the main doors for my comfort, with my boss and boss' boss at my back. opportunities for blogging or checking blogs at work have been thin on the ground. but the stars have aligned and here I am today to check in.
out the window:
it's a nice day today, plenty sunny and maybe a little warm. but it's definitely been a mild summer and I'm glad that fall is on the way. it's my favorite season, hands down. I'm all about a good disguisitory wardrobe. and this will be the year that I can fit into some of my cuter clothes.
wearing:
jeans day today at work! heeeey! so jeans and a teal shirt from sams. in general, I do not spend money on my clothes. fortunately, my mom occasionally does. without mom I wouldn't have much. plus, she's been finding some super great and cheap fabric at the estate sales that they like to check out, and has made me a number of skirts and dresses. but yes, in the last several months I have bought myself 2 shirts from sams (and some underwear, if you must know). I won't spend more than $10 on clothes, especially for myself. so that works out well. my father in law sent me an old navy gift card for my bday and I plan to go later in the fall and buy some new work out pants, as one of my 2 pair have developed the dreaded thigh-chaffing hole. I figure if they don't have work out pants that will work, I might find a nice sweater or something then I only have to make 1 trip.
kids:
my lukey turns 1 tomorrow. I'm obviously biased, but I'm convinced that he's the cutest boy in the universe. he will definitely be my trouble maker though. his best smile is the one he gives when you tell him NO. he's recently discovered that he can feed the dogs from his high chair. so that's fun. it looks like a circle of alligators around his chair when he eats. he's learned about high fives, and his go to word is "uh oh!", typically preceded by the sound of his cup hitting the floor. he's only down to half a bottle before bed, and I imagine i'll put an end to that this weekend. *tear* it's sad, all of these "lasts". but am at peace with our decision to stop at 2 kids.
Cameron has been trying new things lately, he's quite the sassy mcsasserson. 3 is just an incredibly frustrating age I think. potty training is still a certifiable nightmare. I've bit the bullet and started buying pull ups because I got sick of having to throw away underwear because I couldn't handle washing a big slimy man poop out of them. he will sit on the potty for the most part when you make him, but he doesn't usually do anything but sing songs. he WILL NOT tell you when he has to go before it happens, and will rarely tell you that he has gone afterwards. he just plain doesn't care. I've tried sticker charts and incentives and setting timers and nakedness and every other thing I can think of and nothing works. I know he won't be 15 and still in diapers, but I just didn't expect it to take this long. so other than the potty training thing and the attitude, he's doing ok. his imagination is really taking off and that's so cool to see! he still loves to go on "adventures", and since the grocery store is the only place we really ever go, he really enjoys the grocery store and will get excited every time we drive by one. he's incredibly intuitive of peoples feelings, especially mine. he knows when I'm getting frustrated and will say "mama, are you nice?" when he knows full well that I'm pissed off and decidedly NOT nice. it's very humbling and has a way of calming me down. maybe it's that he is so aware of it and that opens up the line to communicate why I'm upset and how we can work together to both get ourselves straightened out. Charles gets frustrated when I lose my shit but I think he's starting to see that Cameron and I have a system that is working fairly well.
in the kitchen:
I made that cheeseburger soup this week, that was good. last night I did a pork roast, I've been buying those pre-packaged marinated roasts and they're pretty good. tonight we'll probably clean out some leftovers and tomorrow we're having a cookout for lucas' birthday. spaghetti at some point in the future.
crafting:
yea, no.
reading:
the outlander series!!!!!!!!! OMG! I'm on the 3rd book. there are 8 of them with a 9th on the way. seriously, all I want to do is read. as it is, I've gone through 2 1/2 big books in less than a month. and given how much time I actually have to read, I'd say that's pretty good. I've not watched the series yet, apparently it's just the first half of the 1st book. the first book was published in 91, and my grandma and mom have been reading them since. so the books I'm reading belonged to grandma Kelly and it makes me extra happy to be sharing that with her. I wish I could talk to her about them. well, I wish I could talk to her about anything.
bringing me joy:
kids, husband, marriage, eating healthy and not being so puffy, exercising. I'm kicking some pretty good ass at work lately too, so that's fulfilling. I have a lot of extra job duties now, more State level things, and I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job at it. work used to be my "down time", but definitely not anymore. it IS still at least my time to not have to touch someone else's bodily fluids, but definitely not as relaxing.
thinking about:
my health. I had a chest pain scare last week that eventually sent me to the ER. they're not sure what it was other than to know that it at least was NOT my heart. still scary. I know my cholesterol is bad, and I'm pre-diabetic. so I'm just really doing what I can to fix myself. next week I'm seeing the nutritionist for a "cholesterol class", whatever that is, and will have my numbers checked at the end of the month with the possibility of going on medication.
single parenting. again. this round will last about 3 months and will be zero fun. but at least now I'm not going to be on that crazy summer schedule, so overall, while it will be lonely and stressful and difficult and sad, I am confident that I will handle it much better than I did this summer because I wont be on 10 hr days and will have time to hit the gym a couple times a week. mostly, I'm in awe of my husband. he has missed so much of the boys at this age. I could not bear it as gracefully as he does. his strength is truly amazing.
pictures:
yea, I haven't taken many lately. and anything of quality goes on facebook. so there ya go.

Funned Out

Well so far, we've all survived the summer. There is exactly 1 week left until Charles is home and we are all beyond ready. the combination of a crazy schedule, new classroom, no daddy, etc has really been rough on Cameron the last couple of weeks. there have been a number of hunger strikes and lots and lots of dramatic fit-throwing. we're all just tired. we will have a nice weekend with him before he goes back to work and then it is not likely that we'll see much of him for a while due to the schedule he will have at work. it's gonna be ugly, but we'll make it. i'll sure get to see him more than I have the last 2 months, so i'll take it!
lucas started crawling on his 9 month birthday, and about 30 minutes after that (not even exaggerating) he pulled himself up to stand. he is quite the go-getter! he will work to be mobile in any possible method to the point that his muscles tremble from fatigue, and even then he doesn't stop trying if I don't set him down somewhere that he has to rest. he now has a top tooth to join his lonely two bottom teeth. he likes to clap and make all sorts of mouth noises. we're still working on waving.
other than the tough stuff, Cameron is ok. overall he is amazingly resilient given all the challenges the last couple of months. potty training is not going well. still. last weekend I tried a potty chart. he picked out his own stickers (elmo, princesses, and spider man) and for one brief, shining evening - he did amazingly well! he even actually managed to get some pee in the potty instead of just sitting on it. but Saturday morning the fun had worn off and he is maintaining his resistance since. I've talked to his teacher and our plan is to put him in underwear and really force it after Charles gets home in hopes that the comfort of having daddy back will help with the transition. poor kid. one shit storm after another it seems.
im doing ok. getting fatter and fatter over the summer. I'm going to really hit it hard when I go back to my normal schedule. Im going to force myself to run outside (major irrational fear of mine) and do some diet changes, i.e. - no more cheese, very limited sugar (no more bowl of cream of wheat with chocolate chips for breakfast - whaaaaat?) so hopefully that will get the ball rolling. I've been having a lot of trouble with my knees the last 3 weeks or so. according to WebMD, the source of all healthcare knowledge, it is an issue with my tendon. so that's pretty awesome. I am one with the naproxen and ice packs.
my parents were up a couple weeks ago for a wedding, which was pretty fun. dad was wearing a heart monitor for 2 weeks at that time. after some tests, they decided that he should have a heart cath, which was yesterday. he has 2 arteries blocked 50% and one was 80%, so they put a stint in that one. thankfully the dr was very proactive and schedules aligned to get dad in pretty quickly before anything more serious happened than his original "episode" over mother's day weekend. so a substantial lifestyle overhaul will be happening down south I do believe.
good times.

April update

before the craziness of the summer begins, I figured I would check in here. also, it's slow at work. thus the stars align.
Out the Window:
well I must say, the Big Storm was a bit underwhelming last night. we frantically cleared a place in the garage for Charles' car last night ahead of the storm, which was supposed to hit around 6. no lie, at 6 right on the dot there was a big gust of wind and a few drops of rain on the deck. I quickly shooed the dogs outside because I knew they'd never go out to pee if it was raining (damn daschunds)and by the time I got them down to the basement door the "rain" had stopped. other than some apparently quiet rain in the night, we had nothing else here! it's still plenty humid, but for now the sun is trying to shine and all is calm in NE Kansas.
What I'm Wearing:
the usual - kakhi pants that are entirely too big for me, teal tank top, grey cardigan. these pants. they're the size 18 post-baby pants and I was just telling Charles the other day that I greatly look forward to setting them on fire once my 14s fit again. in the mean time, I'm pretty sure I could catch pies in the front of these suckers. not that I'm complaining about the fact that they're too big, I'm quite happy about it, I just wish I didn't have to pull them up all the time or worry about them falling down while kid-wrangling. it's a special skill to rock both the "mom look" AND a "gangster sag" at the same time. first world problems, right?
The baby:
mr. lucas has no patience for baby stuff. he is pretty much sitting up on his own and has quite a lot of stamina for tummy time. he can scoot backwards but not yet forwards. my goodness this is moving quickly! he loves to be in the thick of things and laugh at his silly brother, especially when he's dancing and singing. his sweet little face is the source of all sunshine, especially the little baby chicklet smile with those two bottom teeth. and if you attack his fat little cheeks with kisses he squeals and then gets this big old man belly laugh happening and it is hilarious! he's sleeping through the night without any issues and eating his solids like a champ. the daycare ladies totally love him. they are really great at working with him on his tummy time and sitting up. I was leary about taking him to the CDC so young, but it really has been a great thing for him.
The little boy:
I don't know what the age cap is for "toddler", but I think Cameron is probably good to be a little boy now. he's quite the big shot. his main lady at the CDC has been off since the beginning of march, so the potty training came to a screeching halt, but she will hopefully be back next week and we will attack it with renewed force then. I'm also hearing good things about a "potty watch" that the kids wear and can be set at regular intervals to vibrate and let them know when it's time to potty. really, I think he totally knows how to do it and we just need to get forceful about it and quit allowing him to be lazy. I'm not looking forward to that. at all. hopefully lucas is a faster learn. this man poop in a diaper stuff is not cool. he's also quite the sassy pants. common phrases include: "don't talk to me like that mama!" (when I have not said a word to him), "don't touch me!" (not sure where that one came from), and "go to your room mama!" (to which I reply "I wish I could buddy!"). mostly these are all just funny, but can be quite embarrassing when my 3 yr old yells at me in public. not sure how to get around that. I swear, I do not yell these things at him. I am forceful with the "go to your room"s, but not in a yelling angry way, just in a direct and "I'm in charge" way. logically, I know that he is regurgitating it all back to me as he hears it, but it's still humiliating.
in the kitchen:
last night I made some awesome cheeseburger soup! I've seen a lot of recipes on pinterest for it but not made it myself. I didn't like the sound of the ones that I was looking up though, plus I didn't want to go buy a whole bunch of ingredients. so mine ended up being a pound of ground turkey, 3 peeled and diced potatoes, about 3 cups shredded cheddar, a packet of liptons onion/mushroom soup, 3 cups beef broth (the recipes all called for chicken - why!?!?!?), a small can of petite diced tomatoes, about half a cup of diced dill pickles, some pepper and dry mustard, and about 1//3 cup diced onion. I totally had 2 bowls and brought more for my lunch today. yes. just - yes.
Crafting:
well.... Cameron and I have done a lot of coloring lately, does that count? little michelle (his awesome godmama) sent him some paints and markers and HUGE sheets of construction paper for his birthday.
I have a friend having a baby in the next 3 or 4 weeks so I plan to pick up some towels and wascloths to sew together for hooded towels. And I'm still technically working on the hand-quilting for lucas' blanket. it's just not super easy to get time to safely sit around with a needle for more than 2 minutes.
Reading:
nothing now. although I now have 3 books, 2 from mom and dad's church and now another one from mine, that I'd like to read. I don't know where it came from, but I'm really enjoying this trend of parishes providing the members with reading materials to deepen their faith. the classes and prayer groups and all those regularly-scheduled opportunities are awesome, but just not always realistic for people to attend. but by providing something for everyone at no cost that allows them to develop on their own time - it's much easier! yay!
Bringing me Joy:
my boys. my silly silly boys. Cameron's latest thing in the car is that he notices when we go up and down hills and will call out the direction followed by "WEEEEEEEE!!!!!". oh how exited we are to ride roller coasters with this boy! he's also still doing a lot of singing. "sugar" by maroon 5 is a favorite. he's getting pretty good too!
also seeing Charles with the boys. he has so much stress, well, we both do, but his job makes him more miserable than I've ever seen him, and it is painful to watch and hear his voice when he's at work. but he is amazingly good at leaving it at the door once he is home with the kids. he and Cameron are really getting close and Cameron has entered the "daddy's little shadow" phase. and it was about this time with Cameron that Charles left for korea, so it's fun to see him get to experience it with lucas. although that's short lived..
Thinking about:
stressful summer coming up. charles will pretty much be gone from the end of this month till the end of june. then at the start of july Cameron is having surgery on a cyst in his neck, followed by a surgery for charles the following week. combine that with my summer work schedule starting after memorial day (4 - 10 hr days) and it's shaping up to be quite a doozy. I've been borrowing an increasing amount of worry the last couple of weeks and finally my body broke out in hives over the weekend. oh how easy it is to stress over things beyond your control...
finances.
remembering to focus on what's important: i.e. - having happy, healthy kids who love me for who I am, not what I can give them. quality time over quantity. more dancing and singing and coloring and snuggles and books. less worrying about body fat and having surplus. help more people. be the type of person I want my kids to be.
pictures:

little man on Easter - he is clearly obnoxiously excited about big boy sitting up stuff! :D

here he is a couple days ago, passed out in a carrot coma. yes, my 7 month old is wearing 12 month pjs.

big boy is all about stickers, naturally. so he discovered this sheet of free address labels that came to charles from somewhere and went to town yesterday afternoon. isn't he just the Bee's Knees? (oh yes I did!)

cool kids

things are relatively slow at work, so I figured I would kill a bit of time with some blogging about my super cool kids.
Big Boy:
Cameron is really into music, books, cooking and generally being silly. much to my amazement, he will be 3 next month! we're throwing him a super hero party, which should be fun. that's the only "play theme" that he's consistently into now, although he still enjoys a good bit of curious George. (and waffles - but I didn't think that would be a very fun birthday theme for someone severely limited on funds and time) my mother in law has generously offered to make the cake and we have invited a couple of friends and some of the ladies from daycare. he doesn't really have friends at school that he's into. he is clearly a leader in the room, but he couldn't care less about any of that social nonsense. he interacts appropriately, but he also enjoys being on his own and actively avoiding trouble and chaos. (unless it's his idea, and then he's leading the charge.) while I sometimes worry that he isn't social enough, I'm also proud of the fact that he doesn't need validation from anyone else. and in fairness to him, by the time I see him at the end of the day, he has been in the room with the same crazy kids for the whole day and is ready to have his space.
potty training is finally under way and seems to be going fairly well, but slowly. we seem to have gone through the variety of potty options at home and the little mini seat that fits on top of the regular toilet seems to be working. I think he was scared of falling in. he will now agree to sit on the toilet a few times a day, sometimes things come out and sometimes they don't, but it's a start! at home, he gets a chocolate chip each time he sits on the potty. this weekend he was roosting and jabbering on as usual when he would suddenly get really pensive and whisper in an incredibly creepy way "I'm gonna get a chocolate chip..." to no one in particular, then go back to jabbering. it was ... interesting...
language is also a source of entertainment lately. he has excellent manners, for the most part. and to further his accreditation as the bossiest kid in the universe, he has started correcting us if we ask him to do something without saying please. it caught me off guard, but it's also pretty b.a.! "how do you ask, mama?" pahahahahah!!! funny kid.. another zinger is when he is told that it is time to go to bed: "no thank you mama, maybe later." :D he's getting better at catching song lyrics, which is both good and bad. he started singing a song the other day that I didn't even realize he liked, but it was quite clearly the tune. this concerns Charles a bit more than me. I, for one, thing it's hilarious to hear him sing "all about that bass" and have tried to convince Charles that it's a good song about having a positive body image. he, on the other hand, has a hard time hearing his son say "shake it shake it, like you're supposed to do". the jury is still out. although he did learn the valuable lesson of previewing youtube music videos before showing them to Cameron when he expresses an interest in a song from the radio.
big brother stuff is pretty cool too. for the most part, he doesn't mind sharing. and he is great about covering up brother if he needs a blanket, or bringing diapers (needed or not). the kisses on brother's little head are the sweetest things ever, trying to pry open brother's eyes while he sleeps in his car seat - not so much. but we're learning. I am so excited to see them play and interact more as they get bigger!

Little Boy:
Lucas is pretty much adorable. those big brown eyes just suck you in! I didn't think it was possible, but he is even more chilled out and happy and snuggly than Cameron even was! and to think, I had been so terrified of having a second child because I was convinced that there was no way I could get so lucky as to have two easy super cool kids. so maybe they'll be terrible teenagers, but for now I will not borrow any more worry than already comes with the territory and will say that I am 10000% enjoying the contentment of my two little gifts.
his bottles were not sufficient any longer, so the weekend before last I had him try some cereal. I was reluctant to do so at only 5 months but felt that he really did need something extra. I was right! he had zero learning curve and is now scarfing it down 3x a day and with applesauce mixed in at home. once I can get to the store next week I will start more foods, but for now it's all going very well. he is definitely a healthy and growing boy! he's also starting to get better control of his hands, so toys are entering his world as explorative opportunities. and without a doubt, his big brother has sunshine glowing out of every orifice. if lucas is in the walker, his little eyes will follow Cameron around the room like a spot light! and any bit of attention from him, or anyone, will just light up his sweet little face.
he was sleeping through the night for a glorious couple of weeks until lately, when he has been too hungry for that nonsense. he will be up in the night starving to death only to realize that he's too tired to actually stay awake and finish a whole bottle. such is life. he also does a lot of scooting in the night. I have to lay him at one side of one end of the crib and will find him in the opposite corner by morning. it took me a couple of days to come up with that solution as opposed to be woken up by a freaking out kid who is stuck in the corner of his bed. go me.

so life is definitely good at my house! I have two of the coolest kids around. they both are so sweet and innocent and they live 100% out loud without any inhibitions. it's just beautiful to see. I still struggle, during those times when everything seems to be happening at once and there are too many demands on my time or attention, but that has leveled out a lot and for the most part I manage to really give the best of myself to my family these days. it's pretty cool. :)

watching a miracle unfold

so I've been bumping this post around in my head for a few weeks. I don't think anything I could throw together would do justice to the situation, but since I know my couple of readers are likethis with G.O.D., I thought I'd put it out there in whatever form it comes in hopes of continued prayers for continued miracles. so here goes:
when Charles was in cuba, the year before we got married, he surprised me (understatement) by going through RCIA and joining the church. so this guy, who had never belonged to a church in his life, was impressed by what he saw in my family and became catholic. pretty awesome stuff! well, after we got married, real life crept back in and his work schedule was ridiculous and unpredictable. he start out coming to mass with me when he wasn't working, but to be honest, the priest was TERRIBLE. we lived in a small town and the next closest small town happened to share the priest with our town. awesome. so I trudged through with fr. fire and brimstone, but Charles was pretty quickly disappointed with how his big conversion had turned out and fizzled. he did not join me at church (other than Christmas) until about a year ago, when I was pregnant with lucas and no longer able to contain Cameron and deal with myself. he was very reluctant, much bitching was done. often he would wake up 5 minutes before we left and was rather huffy throughout mass. but he was there.
a number of factors have played in to the recent events:
1. our priest at st. frances de sales is AWESOME! he is the most REAL priest I've ever had. that's a long story, but suffice it to say, he has his struggles and he is not shy about talking about them. 10000% relatable.
2. our good friends janet and terry. I was lucky enough to meet janet at my job a few years ago and we are very close. she and her husband are my parents' age and they are amazing. we go to mass together and they have been very encouraging, for all of us.
so yes, the miracles. things started occurring to me lately, and when I looked back it was hard to pinpoint when changes started happening - but check this out:
- "hey michelle, will you wake me up 30 minutes early so that I can shower and get dressed before church?"
- then: "what is up with you staying after and talking to everyone after mass!?" now: no lie, we were there a good 20 minutes after mass ended the other day because he was talking to the guy who sits behind us. him, not me. I was chasing Cameron all over the place because he's a turd. just a week or two after my long-winded explanation to Charles about what a "church family" really means, there he is - making it!
- a couple weeks ago we had some guys from Jerusalem selling incredibly beautiful carvings. so we were all visiting with the people who sit behind us again, and their son comes up and hands Cameron this little carved heart magnet thing with the holy family on it. ok, cool. I was wrestling kids again so I only half paid attention to him when he said something about 'he gave me money'. turns out CHARLES had given THIS KID $20 and told him to buy something for him and something for Cameron. whaaaaaaaat?
oh! oh!
- so one time, janet and terry weren't there and I don't feel up to the task of taking both kids up by myself unless I'm wearing the baby, which I wasn't. so I tried to hand lucas off to Charles so that I could take Cameron up to communion for his blessing (and he always tries to weasel a host out of father because he "wants one too"). Cameron started to throw a fit because he wanted to stay with Charles. so Charles stepped out of the row so that I could take my place in line with lucas, then he GETS IN LINE BEHIND ME. uh, what? I am pretty confident that he didn't take communion, but he went. point: he went.

I know we have a lot of people praying for us. I know it, because I see it and feel it every day. and trust me, I pray for those who pray for us right back. but if anyone, myself included, ever feels like their prayers are not being answered - just think of this miracle. it's a slow one, but there is no denying that it's happening. might not seem like much to you, but to know this man and his past, it is. it really is. :)

the new normal

well I'm pleased to say that I finally feel like I'm adjusting to our new normal with 2 kids. I feel a little bad since pretty much all of the faithful readers that I know of have more than 2 kids and, granted, I only see your facebook "highlight reels", it still looks like you handle things really well and I have decidedly not been. but I tell myself often that comparisons to what I think I know about anyone vs. their actual reality does neither party credit. it's best to just keep my nose in my own crazy business and choose to believe that everyone else is dealing with their own craziness too. and so with tremendous support from my amazing husband, some good time spent at the gym, and an increase in prayer time - I am on my feet as a mother of 2 and loving it!
for the sake of guiding my thoughts:
Outside my window:
it's rainy and dreary and looks to be cold. the leaves are pretty much all off the trees and everything is that murky brown color. I don't mind though, I like cold weather. and it's not been so cold lately to make the trip from the car to the daycare/work unbearable. I hear it's supposed to be up to 60 this weekend though!
What I'm wearing:
well, I'm still in that awesome post-pregnancy stage when nothing really fits. I have 1 pair of work kakhi pants that are at least a size or two too big, and 2 pair of leggings with a couple of sweater dresses that I feel to be mostly work-appropriate. so I do a lot of pulling up of the pants or pulling down of the dress. as tall as I am, it's very difficult to find long enough sweater dresses! and lord knows I will NOT be buying any clothes for myself for a while. at some point, I hope to go digging in the basement storage again for some smaller pants in hopes that I might be able to fit into something else. those darn kahkis are so loose that they've almost fallen off while chasing Cameron into or out of the CDC (also carrying the car seat, etc.). it's a great picture, I tell you. so anyway, yes. I'm wearing the black leggings today with black boots and a gold sweater dress that I forgot I had until I noticed it on my closet floor last night while I was looking for something to wear today. go me.
Toddler:

oh that boy! he is just amazing. his language has really taken off lately and he says the best stuff! he's still obsessed with frozen. no joke - he will run around the house for a solid 30 minutes recreating scenes from the movie complete with hand gestures, facial expressions, songs (sung mostly in key!) and with perfect recitation of multiple character's lines. and we DON'T watch it every week anymore either. he will even request to wear daddy's superman cape because it's obviously much longer than his and it makes him feel like elsa, so he'll run down the hall into each of the rooms, dramatically toss the cape out behind him and go "Are you ready?!" the stomp his foot to the ground to "make the ice appear". if it wasn't so funny it would be a little creepy how well he does it. he also does similar recreations with scenes from Finding Nemo and WallE. We got him a stuffed WallE for Christmas and he will be SO excited! Charles has been talking to him about his dreams before bed and he often reports them to have been "WallE dreams" and will tell us about what he's done with WallE and Eve-a, usually involving trucks or sandwiches. he also got an elf on a shelf yesterday from grandma ronda. I have mixed feelings. he doesn't really have any concept of who santa is and that is 100% ok with me. up until now I've been just trying to get him to understand that Christmas is Jesus' birthday and since he loves us so much we get presents. not sure how else to explain it to him and I would welcome suggestions! but now we're introducing the santa thing. he was a bit freaked out this morning when the elf had moved. I read him the book last night but don't know that he retained much. but regardless, we're giving it a shot. "shark bait" the elf is trucking along. potty training is still not happening but I'm hoping to give it a concentrated effort over Christmas break since we'll have a good long stretch of time together to try it.
Baby:

3 months old already! he is an exceptionally sweet little boy. his smiles started around thanksgiving and he just loves to take everything in and get snuggles. he's even more snuggly than Cameron was and I think he will be maybe less independent and more clingy - he will be the baby. I am ok with that. I quit pumping at about 2 months and, except for the ridiculous cost of formula, I do not regret my decision one bit. I chose to give him the same formula used in daycare because they will provide it while he's there; but sadly the version I use at home is powdered (cheaper) and they use liquid pre-mixed at the center. even though the doctor says they are the same, they are decidedly NOT. the liquid kind does not sit well on his stomach and I've now had to start sending bottles from home of our formula. we recently joined sams, so we save some, but it's still about $20/week. ouch. he's had a couple of sicknesses lately from daycare but thankfully nothing too major. he caught on to the beginning of that terrible stomach bug going around but it wasn't nearly as severe as others have had it, and this week he had a mysterious rash that is now pretty much gone. he and big brother are getting along well still, and he is sleeping much better through the night. I feed him around 8:30 and he is up again at around 3. so definitely not too bad! plus, if he happens to wake up before 2, Charles will get up and take that feeding. score!
In the kitchen:
last night I tried a pot pie sort of thing with leftover turkey and some ham and swiss cheese. it was not nearly as good as I had hoped, needed more liquid. overall, I've been trying to eat a lot better (want to be able to wear jeans by Christmas instead of just my sweats!), so there's been some shrimp things and some quinoa lately. I bought a bunch of meat at sams a couple weeks back and made use of my food saver, so that's been good. I will go again this weekend so we'll have some more options. it's been a crazy week with sick kids and sick mom and life in general, so yesterday was the only night I cooked and it wasn't even all that good. don't know what tonight will bring.
crafting:
I need to make the salt dough ornaments/gifts, my goal is to do that this weekend so that I can be painting on them.
reading:
yea... no.
bringing me joy:
my boys, all 3 of them are amazing. my heart sings when we're all together! I've really been working on trying to go the extra mile with Charles. instead of getting frustrated that he's reluctant to get up and come to church with us, I made him some coffee for the car. and what do you know, he did awesome and I got to watch him snuggle on the boys during mass and even willingly stand up for a birthday month blessing (read: PARTICIPATE!). life is good.
also, Cameron LOVES Christmas lights! so far that seems to be the only thing about Christmas that has sunken in (other than singing happy birthday to jesus and getting cupcakes - good luck with that one kid...). we took him on post this last weekend to see the lights and he lost it. "CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!" it was amazing. I hope to take him to one of those drive through park displays or maybe the thing at botanica, I've never been, when we're back home.
what I'm thinking about:
money. it is and it isn't within my control and it's a huge source of stress. but that's life I guess. we're doing our best with what we have and it will get better.
not being so hard on myself.
pictures:
my boys, entertaining their mother with Mr. T impressions in the bath. they pity the foo...

because everybody loves a good birth story...

my goodness, is it almost November already?! sweet! at this moment, I am not at all upset that time has gone so quickly. I love fall here, and as far as I'm concerned, the faster time goes, the closer I get to the part when the baby will sleep for more than 3 hrs at a time, well, really 2 since it takes him an hour to eat. it took me a couple of weeks to catch up at work from my 5 weeks off, so now I'm back to a bit slower pace and thought I'd keep myself awake by blogging. be warned, I'm incredibly tired so there will be some serious rambling. but all three or four of my readers are well acquainted with the feeling, so I don't feel judged. :)

this handsome fella sure took his time to get here. I had hoped to be induced on Wednesday the 3rd after my final appointment with the diabetes dr, but alas, since you pretty much see a different person at every appointment - the dr who had told me the week before that it was likely was not the same one I saw that day. Charles was dealing with his allergies at the time, so we stopped off at a pharmacy after our appointment and he wisely bought me a candy bar to sooth my sorrows at being pushed off for another 2 days. but it was for the best, as my actual OB was able to deliver him on that Friday as opposed to another dr who works Wednesdays and is the man who once told me I was fat. no thanks, dr. owens. bite me. (told you there would be rambling) so anyway, I had decided to start my maternity leave that Wednesday regardless of whether or not they induced me, and my parents were already up and ready to greet their new grandson. so mom and I spent Thursday making cinnamon rolls for the nurses. consequently, we discovered about halfway through the process that my beloved sweet bread recipe is already doubled. so 4 large and 2 small pans of rolls later, that was done. Friday the 5th we arrived at the hospital at about 7:30, I was antsy to get the show on the road but nervous too - pretty much about everything. but once we got the show on the road I calmed down and just let it happen. they tested my blood sugar (never mind the huge cinnamon roll I had eaten that morning... to say that I was DONE with gestational diabetes is an understatement) and it was obviously high. so they were in the midst of a debate about whether or not to put me on insulin when they tested it again and it was back down to 90. diabetic coma: narrowly avoided. they started me on Pitocin at around 9 and the clock began to tick. I was dialted to 4 when I got there, so they were encouraged by my progress already. they upped the Pitocin every 30 minutes and around 11 or so the dr came in and estimated that I could be done by 1 or so. yea, sounded nice. :) so my parents and Charles' mom and the two of us sat. and sat. and sat. thankfully, my birth ninja skillz were not depleted after Cameron and I was totally fine until about 2 or so. when things began to get interesting (translation: I started to actually feel something), they brought in "The Peanut". The Peanut is similar to an exercise ball, but shaped like a peanut, and about 3 feet long and 2 feet around. I was asked to lay on my side, flipping every 30 minutes or so, with The Peanut between my legs to help open my hips and get him into position. this process was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and about 3 or so I requested that the parental units vacate the room so that I could focus on my breathing. it was at this point htat I became the harnesser of the chi. if I were able to focus that well at any other time, I'm pretty sure I could solve the problem of world hunger in about 15 minutes. it was pretty cool. yoga breaths ensued and by the time the contractions were back to back, I was in the zone. I really wish I could have had my temperature taken! I do not remember putting off that much heat with Cameron and I'd like to know how high it got. it did occur to me to ask but then another contraction came and I forgot about it. Charles was amazing and held my hand and smoothed my sweaty hair and kept a cool washcloth on me. I was SO eager to get the pushing started because I knew that it would make the pain go away, so kept saying "ok I think it's time!" only to have them check me (probably roll their eyes) and tell me to keep going. 'one more time', 'ok, just one more'... I'm pretty sure I said that to myself for a good hour at least. but finally, it was actually time. I gave about 3 good heaves and before I knew it, dr. suleman was telling me to open my eyes so I could see my slimy boy held up between my knees! as much as I'd like to say that something beautiful came out of my mouth this time, honestly it was "THANK GOD!", with the silent "that's over with!" at the end. 4:18pm
I tore pretty extensively, thankfully it didn't go through the muscle this time, just skin. so while I was being put back together and shaking like crazy, they handed me my boy. magic. I didn't realize that I had missed out on this time with Cameron until I had it with luke. all of a sudden, all those people who come out of the woodwork just before baby time had dissolved back into thin air and it was just the doctor and attending nurse who were stitching and one other person who was cleaning up. but they were quiet, I had a warm baby in warm blankets on my warm chest and we just were. other than the obligatory tests, he was not away from me for maybe 2 hrs. even Charles insisted that I take my time and bond with him. it was heavenly. the only minor setback was that his blood sugar was low. they gave me the option to try and nurse or supplement him with formula. since I knew nothing would be coming out of me yet and it was important that he get something in to avoid the NICU, we went with formula. within 12 hrs, his blood sugar was normal. but since they held us in the delivery room for a bit longer to watch him, we ended up eating dinner there too. my hospital has some bomb diggity food, so we had steak and grilled shrimp and veggies and a massive piece of chocolate cake. my parents had to leave to go get Cameron before the daycare closed, so they did not get to meet Lucas right away, but charles' mom stayed. we called her in to the room about 7 and my dad returned to the hospital about that time too. how sweet is it that he didn't want to wait till the next day to see the baby?! :) mom, who had put in so much time and effort to take care of me in the previous few months, stayed home with Cameron. talk about a selfless wonder woman! dad and ronda stayed for a little while in the postpartum room and then went home so that we could try to rest.

the next couple of days were pretty uneventful. milk production was very minimal and latching was again unsuccessful. the lactation consultants and nurses were great; but in the end, I decided to just pump like I did with Cameron. over the last 2 years I have become very well acquainted with my limitations. I don't fear them, I embrace the fact htat if I push myself beyond certain limits, I will not be a successfully contributing member of my family in any capacity. so if there is something that needs to happen or change in order for me to function as I feel that I should, then I will make any necessary sacrifices.
we went home sunday the 7th and all was well. they had asked us to check in with the pediatrician the next day to monitor billiruben levels. Cameron was a bit uncomfortable when his brother would cry, but it was more of a look of apprehension because he didn't know how to help than anything. that only lasted a few days. he is now absolutely 100% on board with the big brother gig and it makes my heart sing! I will expand on that some other time.
a couple of days after coming home, after getting bilirubin checks every day, I received a frantic call from the nurse practitioner. back to the hospital we went, for what we were told would be a few hours in the NICU. I was a hot mess, in many ways. Charles was still not feeling well and someone had to take care of Cameron, so my incredibly swollen feet and legs and i spent 2 days there by myself. luckily they were able to find a room for me on the same floor, so I could pump and then go in and see him and feed him every 3 hrs. after the first 36 hrs or so under the light, he was improved enough to room in with me. as stressful as the whole situation was, I definitely feel that it was beneficial for me to get so much uninterrupted time with him. but I was sure glad to get to go home.
more on the post-birth week stuff later...

just a couple more days!

so my induction is most likely going to happen on Wednesday after the diabetes dr sees that my numbers are still high, despite the continued increase in dosage of the medication. if, by some miracle, he decides not to do it then, I am on the books for Friday with my dr. either way, I plan to stop working Wednesday. although, I've been having contractions all morning, so I might not even make it that far - which is perfectly fine with me. as of the growth sonogram Tuesday, he was estimated to be 6 lbs 15 oz. take that with a grain of salt, obviously, but the point is that he's clearly not a delicate flower of a little boy and my business already hurts at the thought of it. I am nervous for labor but excited for the result. I give myself pep talks about how short it is likely to be this time around whenever they're needed. my goal is again to go without drugs, although I suspect that I will feel much more of it this time just because I have already been feeling it for the last couple of months. I'm not at all opposed to medication, but if it really is just a few hours, I think I can handle that. besides, once you get to the pushing stage, it doesn't hurt anyway. at least it didn't for me. felt quite glorious actually. the week or so after was by far more painful from swollen/stitched areas down below.
so other than all that usual stuff, things are pretty ok at my house. Cameron is still a bit of a turkey but he's doing ok. I've said before that the only way I can get him pinned down for some snuggles is if I put some youtube videos on my phone. this is a current favorite. he refers to it as the "doo doo doo". you will see why if you watch it. he rocks out hard core and last night, for the first time, he sang it almost entirely the way through, singing multiple parts with admirable accuracy for a 2 1/2 yr old. it was hilarious! he also enjoys the muppet's version of bohemian rhapsody, another good one, especially now that he's caught on to proper head-banging protocol. and he remains a pretty devout fan of pharrell Williams. Get Lucky is a definite hit, in fact the end of it came on the radio when I flipped stations on the way to school earlier this week, which promptly led to a massive meltdown because he wanted to hear it and we had just caught the end. Happy, of course, is another pharrell staple in frequent rotation. I absolutely LOVE that I am able to expose him to so many different kinds of music in many different ways. it's no secret that music has always been important to me, and Charles is the same, with an even more varied taste. so we just have a blast exposing him to all sorts of stuff. for obvious reasons, we've been watching a lot of movies lately and I think he's now gone 5 days straight of watching the lion king. while eating dinner last night he randomly busted out some African tribal chants and we about peed our pants.
Charles is doing well. he only has to make a couple of floating shelves for above the bar and the man cave will be finished. he hopes to get to that this weekend in addition to cleaning out/organizing the shed. but he has been able to actually (finally) use his man cave space recently and it makes me very happy! it's a great space, he likes the way it looks, and he has a place he can go to blow off some steam.
I'm very much looking forward to exercising again. it's incredibly frustrating that the lower half of my body is not functioning and I'm infinitely thankful that this is such a temporary condition. in addition to the nerve issue in my back/butt, my right leg is painfully tight and now my left knee has decided it doesn't want to work either. probably has a lot to do with the 40 extra pounds I'm lugging, so I'm eagerly anticipating a lot of good stretching and some long walks to start out. strength training and jogging will follow, with the goal to be a lot of 5ks next summer, a half marathon next October in downtown kc, and the Disney world princess half in feb of 16. it tough mudder comes back or warrior dash, i'll hit those too. I definitely want to do a tough mudder. but that will take a lot more training than just a run. either way, I'm excited to hit it pretty hard once I'm able. a favorite quote/mantra of mine is something to the effect of: if you can't stop thinking about it, make it happen. being incredibly fit is this for me. and so although I'm scared and I know it will be very hard to find the time and energy, I will do it.
so in the mean time, I'm still working "working" and getting as much done as I can to set them up for success for the next 6 weeks without me during an incredibly busy time of year. I know I will come back in October to some hellatious piles of 'job security', but that's ok. mom has been here for another 3 weeks and this weekend dad is coming also. he got permission from my grandparents to stay until luke is born, so we are all happy that he will be here for that. charles' mom will come up too, which will be very good. then Charles will get his 10 days off and after that I will try my hand at transporting 2 kids by myself. should be interesting.

still ungracefully pregnant

to those of you with multiple kids, seriously - how in the eff do you do it?! I like to think that, in ordinary circumstances, I'm pretty good at letting things roll off my back. but this pregnancy has turned me into what I feel to be the worst version of myself! I don't care how many people attempt to reassure me with talk of "you're a million years pregnant and entitled to be whiney and uncomfortable", it does not make me feel any better for snapping at my son, husband and mother, all of whom are doing their very best to provide for me and take care of things I am unable to do. I guess the only thing I can do is continue to work hard at keeping my mouth shut and send myself to my room with a book and a large glass of water every time I get twitchy. needless to say, I've been sent to my room almost as often as the 2 yr old these last couple of weeks.
the pregnancy itself is going well now, for the most part. in theory, I have another 4-5 weeks to go, but I strongly disagree with my doctor who laughs at me every week when I go in for an appointment. this pregnancy has been 95% uncharted waters for me, I've been having contractions and dilating for the last 2 months, so by now, my body is pretty worn out and NOTHING feels "normal". (although I know "normal" is relative.) with Cameron, I legitimately didn't feel a single contraction of any kind until the last 45 minutes of pregnancy. no lie. so I pretty much spend every waking moment in freak out mode because things are happening that I'm not used to. it doesn't help that we live an hour from the hospital (which is in south KC) and know that this labor will go QUICKLY. we actually went to the hospital last Thursday morning for a few hours but were sent back home due to lack of progress. I then proceeded to spend the rest of the day in pain laying down as they had to get two different people to check me multiple times to determine that there had been no cervical change. awesome. But as of then, at least, I was 65% effaced and dilated to 3. I have an appointment today and haven't decided if I want to get checked again or not.
the gestational diabetes is pretty much a disaster this time around. they put me on medication and then doubled it, and I still can't keep my numbers down no matter what I eat. I'm not so much worried about that so much as just completely have zero tolerance for the ass-chewing that I have to drive an hour to receive each week from the perinatalogist. I am not a fan of time-wasting experiences and this definitely qualifies as one in my books.
so yea, boo hoo and crap.
let me try to balance this out with some positivity:
Cameron has been nice-ish the last couple of days. at morning drop off, I stay in the car so mom can wrestle him into his classroom and she has been lifting him up to give me hugs and kisses before he takes off down the sidewalk. it's really sweet, but not as sweet as the fact that he then takes the rest of the sidewalk in about 7 minutes because he has to stop every few feet to turn around and wave enthusiastically at me and blow me kisses. for this super grumpy mama, this is the best balm in the world and undoubtedly saves the lives of anyone I encounter throughout the workday.
Charles continues to be amazing and supportive and more patient with me than I thought possible. we are both very much ready to have the "good michelle" back, but in the mean time, he is doing wonderful things to take care of me and communicate and make sure that our time at home is as peaceful and easy as it could be with a hugely pregnant miserable woman in pain.
mom is here, and she is amazing. I'm sure I don't need to tell any of you how awesome she is, but she is.

on another note, please say some prayers for my dad. he's having a tough time dealing with the constant care of his parents and the only thing I can come up with to help him out is just to say some prayers. so if you could spare a few for him also, I'd appreciate it.

mid-july journal

well here I sit at work on my beloved heating pad with the bosses heading out of town for the rest of the week. as the prospect of 20 hrs of work week left sitting by myself in a quiet half of the building looms ahead of me, I figured I'd start off the morning with a bit of a blog just to feel productive.

Outside my window:
that man with his damn hedge trimmers is at it again, hacking away at he evergreens just outside my office. but that will end soon enough and then I will listen to my little birdy friends again and wish that I could move my desk outside in this beautiful 70 degree weather! I tell ya, my large and pregnant self is extremely grateful for the reprieve from the typical july weather. not that I spent a lot of time outdoors, but it makes the walk in and out of work to/from the car quite lovely.

What I'm wearing:
most of my larger maternity wear from last time was winter-appropriate, so I snagged a pair of shorts and some khaki capris at the consignment sale in the spring. I can't wear jean shorts to work, so most days I wear the capris to work with a nice-ish tshirt. some days I wear a shorter dress with black stretchy maternity capri leggings. (yes Elizabeth, not only do I wear capris, but they are capri LEGGINGS.) :) I find it uncomfortable to just wear a dress without some sort of barrier to muffle the thunder thighs. baby powder is my friend. so anyway... today - capris with a lovely white and blue stripped tshirt and the same black sandals I've worn every day for the last 8 months. rock on.

Toddler:
Cameron smameron is doing very well! after mom being here for over a month, he has managed to adjust to her and the situation in the house which renders me unavailable for the most part. his fits have greatly subsided. it only took a few times of tossing him into his room to cure the majority of the meltdowns, now we just have to ask him if he needs to go to his room until he can be a nice boy - he will say no and stop crying immediately. who knew!? he is getting so tall! today I decided to give it a shot with him eating at the table instead of his high chair and he did well. the last time I tried it, his face was almost level with the table top, but it worked just fine for breakfast. we will tentatively continue with that. he can scale the dining room chairs fairly easily on his own so that will eliminate the need for me to pick him up and put him in his high chair. really, I think the only difficult part will be that we don't always eat at the same time. but this is the last week of my 10 hr days, so it will be much easier to get home and get a meal together at a normal time now.
we are working on the Great Room Shuffle. hopefully this week or weekend we will get out to purchase a twin bed for Cameron and then be able to move the crib over to Luke's room. the plan is still to decorate Cameron's room with curious George, but it will be a while until a trip to joann's can happen - probably while I'm on maternity leave (and after I win the lottery). mom spent yesterday digging out the baby clothes and washing them now that the nursery is empty of charles' stuff. it was incredibly surreal to see those tiny little clothes and shoes again. but it is such a HUGE relief to have it out and moving again and know that we are heading in the direction of being ready for his arrival.

In the Kitchen:
Mom the Amazing has been handling all the cooking/cleaning/shopping. this week we had leftover spaghetti, meatloaf, roast, shephard's pie last night, and probably leftovers again tonight. Friday we have invited some dear friends over who we will ask to be godparents for Luke in addition to charles' sister, to cover the Catholic bases. I (or mom) will make that peach and Dijon pork tenderloin again with roasted sweet potatoes and brussel's sprouts.
I have also been eating an obscene amount of cookies and ice cream. luke REALLY likes ice cream. I have Dursley chins. it's gross. but it will pass.

Crafting:
good one! how bout "if my body could support a trip to the store and I could afford it, what would I be crafting": then joann's would be void of curious George fabric for curtains and such for Cameron; I would also buy grey and sky blue pattern fabric with puppies to decorate luke's room (curtains, crib skirt, baby quilt, possibly a cushion for the rocking chair) and white frames with which I would make "nursery art" out of fabric remnants or scrapbook paper. the road between wants and needs is a bitter one to tread these days. it's hard to surrender my vision of "perfection", or even "completion".

Reading:
harry potter. again. don't ask me how many times I've read it, I've lost count. it's a great distraction and helps to pass the time I must spend on the couch. I'm currently on book 4.

Bringing me joy:
seeing how Charles and Cameron's relationship has grown this last month or so. we've hit such a great family rhythm, I guess all it took was for me to just get out of the way and give Charles the chance to really dig in. but it's pretty awesome to see!
Cameron's favorite thing: being superman! he and Charles got matching capes for his birthday and almost every day he will ask to put it on and run up and down the hallway going "ready, set GO!". best. thing. ever.

Thinking about:
how in the world I will function when mom goes home. as of now, we're planning on her leaving in a week and a half or so, at which time my back will theoretically be well enough for me to get around and "chase Cameron" as needed. I don't know. functioning is my current fear and I'm just focusing on that because if I think about all the things that will be scary once I'm actually done being pregnant, functioning would go out the window.
but obviously taht's not smart, so I save a good portion of my worry for finances too. just to be good and stressed prepared.

Pictures:
yea, still haven't taken or uploaded any of the pictures from my camera or phone. and as this is the last week of 10 hr shifts/Fridays "off", it's not gonna happen. so instead, here are some pictures taken from charles' facebook:

the basement floor is finally done! Charles has worked on it for several weeks and I am thrilled to say that he is pleased with the results. it was touch and go for a while but now that he sees the finished product he is happy. I love it too. we were quoted at about $2000 for someone to do it for us but he got it done for just under $500. remaining basement tasks: installing the bar counter/cabinet/shelves, tiling around the fireplace and decorating. although Charles does not like my vision of the bar and desparately wants to add another counter in front of the wall unit for people to sit at. this is our current wish/project. he just wants it all finished, but the spirit is willing and the account is weak. it is an understandable source of frustration that after all his hard work he still doesn't have a usable man cave space. but we are both doing our best not to be super pouty about the situation and focus on what needs to happen in order to prepare for luke. being a grown up blows.

this is what happens when I leave Charles with Cameron on a Saturday morning. spiked hair and biker tattoos. those two are thick as thieves! :)

aaaand now let's all take a moment to celebrate that I finally figured out why the damn blogger wasn't starting a new line of type when I push Enter.
The End.

bloody sheets, smelly diapers, and snuggles

that's how my morning started, and it was GREAT! Cameron had a bloody nose in the night. I suspect he was picking his nose in his sleep, it happens. and although he ate half a piece of cheese and 4 bites of peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner, aaaand a cup of milk, I think the milk for breakfast, 2nd breakfast, lunch, snack and dinner along with the pineapple and oranges at school probably did him in. but that's all gross stuff. the snuggles are the best. in my current state, I don't really get Cameron huggies unless I fight for them. I'm pretty much assured to get one when we tuck him in but that's about it unless he's feeling especially generous. when we get home in the evenings I am complete toast, so I go straight for the couch and then, although I don't like him to watch videos during the week since our time is already so short, I usually try to convince him to sit with me for a few minutes to watch a video just so that I can have a chance to touch him. most of the time it works but usually comes with the price of him accidentally sitting on his brother or digging his elbow into my guts. but i'll take it. so this morning he was up about 20 minutes early, with said diaper poopsplosion, and I had some time to go in and sit with him and read him a book and snuggle. it was heavenly. I hate hate hate being so dependent on everyone but even more so, I hate missing out on time with him because I can't function properly. but it is what it is. tomorrow will be a big day, as will the weekend. I have physical therapy at 8, dentist at 9:10, chiropractor at 10:30, hopefully a nap to rest up, then my OB apt at 2:30. 30 weeks has been the "goal" to re-evaluate everything and see if they can ease up on the bed rest stuff and precautions. this week has been TERRIBLE. no lie, Tuesday I made 5 trips to the copy machine and was having noticeable contractions for the rest of the day. yesterday my hips were killing me, contractions were continuing and there is pressure on my cervix. needless to say, I'm freaking out quite a lot. so I have been planning for them to check me again tomorrow, and I still will have them do so. I will be very much surprised if I'm not sufficiently progressed from what I was 4 weeks ago. as of now, my plan is to re-take my damn 3 hr glucose test Saturday morning, then head to the hospital from there for my first of 2 more steroid injections. they will put me on the monitor for 20 minutes, give me the shot, then send me home. (theoretically) and I will go back sunday afternoon for another round. but after this week, I really don't know what to expect. one of my bosses just came in and said that she suddenly has a "feeling" that I'm having a baby today or tomorrow. yea. so that's helpful. don't get me wrong, I would be THRILLED to be done with this as soon as possible, but it's not the best thing for mr. lucas. and my boys are the reasons I was put on this earth in the first place, so if I can't be the best mother I can be, then why bother! so we'll see what happens. I have no doubt that we will both have the absolute best medical care and plenty of family and friends to help us out as much as we need regardless of what happens. so really, there isn't much more to worry about (other than the practical things like, money and food and having a nursery set up in which to put said newborn). oi.